Hello Stranger

But I couldn’t.

It wasn’t there.

I lay in bed, next to him fast asleep, and I tried to imagine feeling that way about him. I tried to imagine wanting him to touch me, the way I’d always wanted him to touch me.

But I couldn’t.

It wasn’t there.

There was something else.

Something that should never be.

Something that sent my fingers wandering between my legs.

My body was desperate for my own touch. It was too much to ignore. I was gentle, but fierce, both at once. Tight little flicks on just the right spot to quicken my breaths, until they were tight little rasps to match. And it shouldn’t be him. It shouldn’t be the stranger on the train I was thinking about. But I couldn’t stop.

I tried to be quiet and still. I tried to leave Liam asleep next to me.

It didn’t work.

I was lost in my own motion when he rolled to face me. I tried to pull my hand away from myself but he was already there, pressing his fingers on top of mine.

“Kept that quiet, babe,” he whispered, and his voice was a dry grunt.

He pushed my fingers away, and his touches were so much rougher. I tried to wriggle into the spot, but he was always just out of place, so I told myself it felt great. That it was driving me wild. That it was a tease… yeah… a tease.

I needed to feel this. I needed to feel the love for Liam that used to give me tingles. I needed to remember that he was the one for me. The one for the rest of my life. Chloe and Liam forever.

I tried.

I rolled into him and held him close when he pressed his mouth to mine. I searched for the passion in his kiss to spur mine on, but it wasn’t there to be felt. His attention was all on his dick and grinding it up against me, and in a flash his hand moved away from me and gave up his touches. He climbed up on top, and worked his hips against mine, and again, I tried to wriggle to find the spot, but no sooner had I done that than he wriggled away from mine to find his own.

He thrust inside in one. I tried to be ready.

He stopped kissing me and breathed against my neck. He told me how hot I was, and how good it felt, and I wanted to feel the same.

I raised my legs and wrapped them around him, and found the groove along with him, but I didn’t feel it. No matter how hard I tried, I didn’t feel it.

Thrusts, and hot breaths, and grunts.

I pictured the old times, when I was back from uni. When I was so desperate to get my hands on him that I’d rush up the moment I saw him and kiss him as hard as I could. And that was enough. That was enough to feel the passion in the physical, even when my own fingers had to work their rhythm along with his.

The passion in the physical was gone, and it was like that moment in The Labyrinth, when Sarah says the magic line, and you know then that the Goblin King is done, and even though you want to marry the Goblin King yourself, you still know that Sarah is done with him and utters the you have no power over me statement with that moment of mad realisation on her face. That’s what it was for me, right there in bed with Liam.

You have no power over me.

I’m sure I had an open mouth with the shock, and my breath caught in my throat. I was glad that I hadn’t let him have lights on for years, not wanting to show him my imperfections, because he’d have seen that moment. He’d have seen it and been wide open eyed himself.

Instead he grunted his grunts, and bucked his hips harder, and slammed me against the mattress until he came.

I got this weird choke of sadness in my throat, because it was a horrible feeling – knowing in one striking moment that your dreams of spending the rest of your life with someone have been shrivelling to nothing. You’ve just been too scared to face it.

He rolled off with a thanks, babe, and I knew then that it’d been shrivelling to nothing for him too.

He slept. I didn’t. Well, barely anyway. I was caught up in the horror of accepting it – that me and Liam were really through.

I guess he had a lot to do with that – the stranger on the train. Even though I knew nothing about him, it was that tickly rush every time I’d seen his face that had been the trigger. To knowing there was more out there in the world I wanted to feel with someone. So much more than I’d ever felt.