I was more churned up about a man I was too scared to be working with than losing the man I’d said I’d be committed to forever.
I settled down back into my old bedroom with Beano, our collie, wagging his tail at my feet. I called up train times online, and it panged. A scared pang that chewed me up fresh, because Halsey was on a different train line. This was nothing to do with the Redwood line.
And nothing to do with the stranger on it. Not a glimpse, not a glance, not a shiver.
It didn’t matter what happened on my commuter mornings from here on in.
Dr Hall wouldn’t be there.15LoganI’d made a mistake.
I’d let my own abject shock recoil me in the opposite direction, and I felt it.
What I’d shown to Chloe Sutton when she’d ventured nervous footsteps onto my ward wasn’t professionalism. It was a professional veneer. No warmth or welcome, just clipped and cold.
There was no smile and no Welcome, Chloe. So nice to meet you. No Chloe, welcome to the team here. We’ve met on the train, hello.
I’d remedy that.
I’d keep my own inner whirlwind contained and I’d introduce her to the ward just as I would do with any other new member of staff.
I’d even say more of a hello on the train that morning, that’s what I told myself as I sat down in my usual seat and took the paperback from my briefcase.
Brave New World.
I smiled at that. I sensed Chloe Sutton would be a brave new part of mine. A sweet face boarding my daily life in Franklin Ward, as well as on the train.
Only she didn’t get on the train at Eddington. The same faces boarded at the platform, but she wasn’t there.
The flame of panic was irrational, just like everything was about that girl. My heart started thumping, and my mouth felt dry, and I hated it. I hated how it made me feel.
Maybe she was sick today, or scheduled in at work on a different shift? It could be anything. Anything at all.
But somehow, I knew it wasn’t. Somehow, I knew it was more.
Again, it was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Worthy of nothing more than an internal curse at myself.
I reached the ward and sank into my usual routine, and pushed my attention where it should be, far beyond that stupid jangle that jigged around Chloe Sutton in my mind.
Except I couldn’t, could I? That stupid jangle just kept on jigging.
Wendy Briars reached my office early afternoon, with her usual clipboard of documents and her usual set of questions about the day, and I should have left it at that – only I didn’t. That ridiculous little part of me jumped up and out before I could shut its mouth.
“Chloe Sutton seems a nice girl. When does she move over from Kingsley?” I asked.
Wendy’s expression switched in a flash. “Ah yes, about Chloe.” There was a pause. A definite pause. “She’s a little more… unsteady after yesterday. Not quite sure if she’s ready for this ward yet. I think we’ll get Rhonda Freeman over from Leadon Ward instead. She’s very good.”
“Unsteady?” I asked, and I actually felt my blood run cold.
“Yes, unsteady. I’m glad she ventured over here to get a feel for it herself.”
It wasn’t unsteadiness that had shifted Chloe’s commitment to the new role, and I knew it.
It was me.
“Don’t worry,” Wendy said. “Rhonda is excellent too, she’ll be fantastic.”
But I didn’t want Rhonda. I wanted Chloe Sutton.
“Chloe was your first choice,” I said. “Why was that?”
Wendy’s face lit up. “Oh, Chloe’s a bright little star. She really is. You met her, yes? She’s such a warm sparkle. Conscientious, and committed, too. I really thought she’d be a gem in here.” Another pause. “It’s a shame, yes, but she’s a great presence in Kingsley. They’ll be glad to keep hold of her.”
I didn’t doubt it.
“Have you told Rhonda yet?” I asked. “Is she aware of the position?”
Wendy shook her head. “Not yet. I had a staff appraisal meeting a few weeks ago where we spoke about potential department shifts, but I haven’t told her about this position yet. I’m giving Chloe a few days to decide for definite, but having seen her yesterday, I’m pretty certain she’ll be staying where she is.”
I pasted on my professional smile and thanked her for her time. I watched Wendy get up to leave, with that ridiculous flame of panic rising up in my chest, and once again it won. Poked its face up and claimed its moment before I had the chance to slam it back down.
“Is Chloe in today?” I asked. “She’s, um… usually on the same train as me in the morning, and I don’t think she was there today.”
Don’t think? I sounded like a complete dick.
Wendy tipped her head. “Yeah, I think she’s in. Pretty sure I saw her this morning. It’s hard to miss her with that beam of a smile on her face wherever she goes.”