But then it all changed.
The very next Monday morning Chloe Sutton stepped onto the ward, and along with her came that sparkle of soul everywhere she turned.
She paired up with Gina from her starting shift, and was gentle, and kind, embracing everything the role needed her to be, right from the very beginning. Her smiles were bright enough that they brought out a smile in everyone she met, especially those seeking the warmth in human closeness for their most desperate days.
Gina was impressed with her, and told me so at every passing opportunity, and so did Romi, and Richard, too.
I was equally impressed, I just kept that in check and didn’t venture close enough to lose my mind. I kept my smiles professional, and my words professional to match. I avoided small talk, as I did with everyone, and she didn’t push for more, just smiled and waved a hello in passing.
I could feel her nerves, dancing under the surface. I could see them beneath her smile, just a flutter. Heady and beautiful.
Four days went by, and her nerves were beginning to settle. I could sense it deep in passing, every fleeting moment I saw her near. Again, she was heady and beautiful.
I was surprised by her, as always. Impressed by her calm whilst maintaining her delightful buzz of enthusiasm, and by her strength in helping people through their pain.
Still, it wasn’t Chloe Sutton that surprised me most that week, despite the fact I’d learned to expect the unexpected wherever that girl was concerned.
It wasn’t Chloe who stopped me in my tracks, jolting me into a maelstrom of shock as her first week on Franklin Ward drew to a close.
It was me.18ChloeMy first days alongside Gina were intense and busy and sped by in a flurry that had me spinning inside, but they were amazing. Franklin Ward was amazing.
Gina and Romi, and Nadia and Richard were amazing, too. Everyone was so committed to everything they did, and never stopped giving.
I was determined to be like that too.
Those first four days on the ward went by fast and slow, both at once. I was exhausted every night when I got home to Mum and Dad’s, collapsing in the armchair and barely even able to toss a ball for Beano in the back garden before dinner. Liam was dropping me texts, asking me what I was going to do about my stuff at his, and I was sending him suggestions, but he didn’t really want to hear them, just wanted to keep groaning on at me between gaming tournaments. It only made me feel more exhausted.
Luckily, the craziness of the days made it easy not to dwell on the doctor at the centre of them. They were managing to keep my craziness for him in some kind of check, at least.
Dr Hall was polite, but quiet, barely saying a word to me outside of consultations. The difference between the doctor with his patients and the man outside of it was crazy huge. Two different pieces of a puzzle that I could never imagine fitting together.
I decided to keep my nosey little crush on him under wraps as best I could do. I didn’t even attempt to ask him about what books he was reading, or how his journey was in the morning. I didn’t say anything, just kept my comments patient-related and nothing else, and my smiles must have been nervous, but professional right back at his.
I hoped so, anyway.
Wendy Briars had nice things to say when she caught up with me as day four drew to an end. She said people had been giving her very positive feedback and congratulated me on doing a good job. It made me glow, but not enough. Not yet.
There was still so much to be learnt, and so much to see, and so much to do to make the biggest difference I could make to people. That’s where my focus was. On doing my best. Always on doing my best and thinking about how I could improve and do better.
I wasn’t expecting it at all when Gina let out a giggle on Friday morning, just as soon as Dr Hall had turned the corner at the end of the corridor away from us. He’d grazed by us with barely a word, just his usual nod and wave, and steps with purpose.
I guess I’d watched him all the way. I guess it was obvious, too.
“You like him,” she said to me. Three little words that had my heart thumping right up in my throat.
“He’s… brilliant…” I gulped. “A great doctor.”
My words were stupid and I knew it. Her grin told me she knew it too.
“He’s not married, you know. Goes home alone.” She tipped her head at me. “Maybe you could brighten up his nights a little.”