She tipped her head from side to side. “I wouldn’t say normally. He doesn’t normally get this far, keeps everyone away with a barge pole.”
I could imagine that.
She reached for my hand and squeezed. “I told you about Evelyn? The girl he split with when he was in hospital getting treatment?”
I nodded.
“I guess he spoke to you about her?”
“A bit.”
She sighed. “He’d say it was about things getting tough and the split being the best thing for her, but that’s bullcrap. He pushed her away so hard she couldn’t stay anymore.”
“Because of the life being fragile thing?”
She nodded. “Because he thought he would leave her grieving.”
I felt the heartache down deep, even from the thought of it.
“But there would have been grief anyway. She lost him. Dying or not, she still had to let him go.”
Her eyes were sad. “He doesn’t see it like that. He sees fear in illness, devastation as people have to watch people they love ending their world.” She paused. “Like he’s watching me.”
I didn’t buy into that viewpoint. His logic was opposite to everything I’d ever felt.
“Yeah, he’s watching you die.” I hated saying those words but knew I had to. Knew that I could say them to Jackie, “Watching you, but valuing every single minute with you. Getting to share so much you want to share. Watching you live some of your craziest moments and knowing you’re having the time of your life.”
She laughed. “You’re preaching to the converted, sweetheart. I’m with you all the way. Unfortunately, Logan isn’t. He’s watched too many people die.”
“No shit,” I laughed along with her. “He’s surrounded by it every day of his life.”
She squeezed my hand a little tighter. “Please don’t buy into it and leave him like Evelyn did. I’ll be reaching the end soon, and I don’t want to see him fuck up his chance to live a happy life and end up alone. I promise you, darling, he is besotted with you. You make him sail the skies. I’ve never seen him so happy as he is when he’s with you.”
I felt the tears brewing in me. “I’ve never been so happy as I am when I’m with him.”
She nodded, and squeezed again. “So don’t let it go. Please, Chloe, don’t let it go. No matter how hard he tries, don’t buy into his bullshit. He’s just a pessimist, preparing everyone for the losses and not living for the blessings.”
“I won’t let it go,” I said.
“Is that a promise?”
Her eyes were deadly serious, and so was my answer.
“That’s a promise.”
The smile that came out of her at my words was enough to take my breath. She took a breath of her own, tears in her eyes, and I got a shiver down my spine, because it was beyond words and reason, the feeling I got from her in that moment.
Her breath was pure relief.
Her shoulders eased, as though she was saying goodbye to every bit of tension in her, and I felt scared and happy both at once as something changed.
I didn’t know what that something was, but I knew how important it was.
It took a little while before she spoke again, smiling a mischievous smile.
“Fancy watching some shitty gameshows with me?”
I grinned, realising just how awake I was. “Sure, I’ll watch some shitty gameshows with you. I’d love to.”
She shunted up on her bed, pulling her oxygen tubes and shifting her bed-sore donut, leaving me enough space to slip my bum alongside her and snuggle up under the duvet. She put shitty gameshows on and we high fived when we got the answers right, laughing along to the stupid presenter.
It was an incredible feeling, being so close to an incredible woman as we laughed through the early hours of Sunday morning. I barely noticed when the tiredness caught up with me and my eyes started flickering closed, barely noticed that Jackie was snoozing beside me, tablet dropped down on its side and gameshows still blurting.
I fell asleep there, next to my boyfriend’s amazing dying mum. Because that’s what he was – my boyfriend. Even if he didn’t want to admit it, to himself as well as me.
I fell asleep next to my boyfriend’s amazing mum, and it was an amazing place to be.
Knowing Jackie Hall was an honour I’d never forget.
I just wished I had longer alongside her.36LoganI awoke with a start to find an empty space beside me. The covers were rumpled, Chloe gone. For an awful moment I thought she may have cut and run, abandoning her live for the moment logic. But no.
I found her asleep next to Mum, slumped in bed alongside her with the oxygen machine rumbling its rumble.
It was one of the most moving sights I’d ever seen.
Mum’s tablet was dropped between them on the duvet, both of them dreaming deep. I could picture it crystal clearly, them both giggling together watching some crappy TV show through the night. Mum often did that when sleep evaded her.