I held her tight to my chest as I gathered my breath, but I knew she could feel the difference in me. It was ripe through the tension in her arms.
“Don’t do this,” she whispered. “Don’t shut me out.”
Once again, my truth was on my tongue, desperate to spill out in a river and come crashing into hers, but no. No.
“Get some sleep, jitterbug,” I told her, but she wouldn’t. She pulled herself up to look me in the eyes, and hers were wide, bottom lip trembling with a pain that wasn’t from losing Mum.
“Please,” she whispered. “Don’t do this.”
I wished I didn’t have to. I wished I cared more for myself and less for her, but I didn’t. My love for her was beyond any love I’d ever have for myself. My care for her future was more than enough to sacrifice the joy in my own.
“Get some sleep,” I repeated, and reached up to brush stray hair from her forehead.
I looked at her through fresh eyes as she sat above me, legs folded underneath her on the bed. I saw her freckles in the lamplight, and remembered the very first moment I saw her on the train, sitting there so sweetly, lost in her own little world.
It would have been so much easier for her if she hadn’t been sitting on that train that morning.
“What is it?” she asked, bringing me back to the moment. “What makes you do this? Shut me out like this?”
I propped myself up on my elbow, wishing she wasn’t quite so astute and so answer seeking. The beauty in the purity of her truth and expression was enough to pang my heart like a hammer blow.
She carried on talking before I could even begin to find an answer.
“I mean, I know it must be really, really shit, and I can’t imagine what you feel like right now, I really can’t… because I feel so shit myself, and it’s nothing compared to how you must feel… but please don’t push me away. I want to be there. I want to help. I want to be the Chloe you let me be in your mum’s bedroom. I want to be the Chloe she was so happy to see you with. I want to be the Chloe that –”
I shook my head, and she stopped speaking, those saucer eyes wide on mine.
“Not now,” I said. “This isn’t the time for this. Just sleep. Sleep and we’ll talk in the morning.”
“You aren’t going to sleep, though, are you?” she said. “I know you aren’t.”
She was right. I wasn’t.
“Get some rest,” I told her. “You’re exhausted.”
“So are you,” she said.
She was right. I was.
I dropped down onto my back, staring at the ceiling and wishing this wasn’t the godawful time to be having this godawful conversation. If I hadn’t been such a reckless, short-sighted fool in the first place, then we wouldn’t have had to. She’d have been at home at her parents’ place, reading some of her favourite paperbacks and playing with her dog, none the wiser about the curse of fucking pain going on in my world.
“We can do whatever you want,” she said. “If you want us to stay quiet, we can. If you want us to talk, we can. If you want to stay here, we can. If you want to go out, we can.”
I loved her mantra of helpfulness, but it changed nothing. She didn’t belong here. She couldn’t.
“You really are a beautiful little sweetheart,” I said to her, but she saw past the compliment in seconds.
“So why are you so keen to let me go?”
I wished I had an answer for that, but any answer I had would only make it harder for the angel to find her wings and fly the fuck away from me.
“You are, aren’t you?” she pushed. “That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it? About me going?”
I met her stare. “I’m thinking about you getting some sleep,” I said, but she was shaking her head.
“You can try to get rid of me, Logan, but I don’t want to go. And even if I did, which I don’t, I promised your mum I would never walk away, and I won’t. I don’t want to.”
“Mum didn’t understand things,” I replied, but Chloe didn’t listen, she was still shaking her head.
“Your mum did understand things,” she said. “She understood how important you are to me, and how good we are together. She understood how much we enjoy time together and just how great the world is when we’re standing side by side.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Did you rehearse that?”
She shrugged, and did her usual finger twiddle in her lap.
“Might have done. A bit.”
I smirked, because she was incredible. A stunning girl, with a stunning mind, and a stunning heart to match.
She smirked along with me, then took a breath.