I have given her all of my blessings, and all of my snippets of wisdom, so what have you got to lose, my precious boy? The best things in life can’t be bought or sold, they are given. Chloe wants to give you herself and all that comes along with it.
Don’t be sad, for I will always watch over you. Remember me in all the funny, crazy memories we have had, then start building a whole set of new ones with the woman you love.
Life is a span of years,
Full of hope, love and tears.
But there is a time and a place in every day,
To find a special moment to see your way.
Thank you for being my pride and joy, from a tiny bundle of sheer delight into the loving, caring man I’m so joyous and so damn proud to call my son.
Love you to the moon and back.
Mum.If only she could have known.46ChloeI let all three of us down that night.
Logan’s mum, when I’d promised her I wouldn’t be leaving him.
Logan himself, when I walked out of there without the greatest fight he’d ever had.
But mainly, I’d let myself down.
I’d walked away from the love of my life, knowing he was meant to be my world. I’d walked away from the place I was happiest, even in the worst of the pain.
Mum and Dad were in bed when I walked through the front door that night. I petted Beano, but even he was dozy, flopping back into his bed without even bringing me his ball.
I crept on upstairs, and already my bedroom felt alien to me. Cold and empty, even though it was packed with my things.
I had a faded old bed set I’d loved for years, and my favourite photos of college up on the walls. I had some of my old teddy bears sitting up on top of the wardrobe, and a sparkly pen set on my desk. Once upon a time it would have been enough – to rush on home to the safety of my parents, like the little girl falling off her bike outside.
But I wasn’t that little girl anymore.
I didn’t make it into work the next morning – I’d have been useless if I’d have tried. Luckily, Romi was still available to help me out and cover my shift. I tried calling Logan right through the day, leaving him messages he didn’t answer. I was ready and set to head on over there, and attempt his front door. I’d found out the train times and got myself dressed ready for the journey, and was just about ready to put my shoes on when I heard the bleep of a message on my phone.
I need my space, it said. Please, Chloe. Give me my space.
Fuck.
I sat down on my bed and cried all over again.
I didn’t know what to do.
I was missing Logan worse than I could have thought possible, and missing Jackie along with him, both of them gone like a gulf from my soul. I tried to hide it as best I could from Mum and Dad, keeping my distance bar a nibble at dinner that night with a whimper of a bad stomach.
I laid down in my room and failed at reading. I tried to sleep but failed at that too.
I was still barely awake when my alarm sounded for work the next morning. My legs were like jelly when I threw myself into my usual nurse uniform, still pulling on my sweater as I ran down the street.
I made it to the train, throwing myself in the carriage and dropping down onto the nearest seat, barely catching my breath before it pulled away.
And then I wondered what the fuck I was doing there.
How the fuck would I make it through the day in a ward full of people trying desperately make it through their own?
I’d just have to try.
I’d have to try for Franklin. For the staff and the patients.
And for Dr Logan Hall.
The man who would want me to help the ward, instead of helping him.
Who knows how I did it, but I did it. I choked back everything I could, sobbing frantic sobs in the toilet every time I had a couple of minutes I could grab. I managed tiny smiles, giving my all to being as genuinely happy as possible, even though I’d taken a grater to every scrap of my insides.
The other nurses knew I was going through some painful shit. They could see it a mile off.
Romi pulled me aside before lunchtime, and her expression spoke a million words.
“Are you alright, Chloe? Has something happened to Dr Hall? Wendy said it’s Dr Edwards in this week instead of him. And I know I’ve been covering… but I don’t know what I’m covering for…”
I’d seen Rachel Edwards in the ward before, and she was great. Really great. But nowhere near as great as Logan, not in Franklin Ward.