Hello Stranger

Logan Hall had given me everything a soul could ever give another. Support, and encouragement, and laughter, and inspiration. Nights in his arms, and his touch driving me wild, no matter how many times I’d ever felt it.

Logan Hall drove me wild, right up until his final breath. He always would in my memories.

I’d never have been a doctor if he hadn’t encouraged me with every part of his heart.

I’d never have had the faith in myself to push myself through all the study and exams and the stress of training, not without him having so much faith in me that I believed in it too.

His books were still on the bookcase when I stepped into the living room that night, arranged just as we’d always arranged them. I picked up one of the novels from the shelf, holding the pages up to my nose for the glorious scent of the paper.

I’d never forget that very first second I saw him on the train that morning – the man who was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

His shoulders so broad and suited. His tie neat and burgundy, classic against a bright white shirt. But it was his face – eyes dark and serious, brooding with more depth than I’d ever known. His jaw steady, and serious to match. His beard neat and severe. His eyebrows wise. Perfect.

His cheekbones so defined. His hair with that flick of salt and pepper, just enough to make him look refined.

My magician. My mentor. My lover.

My husband.

I glanced at the envelope on the mantlepiece – Chloe, scrawled in his glorious handwriting.

Today I didn’t open it, I was already cutting it fine for the quiz night – fine enough to scoot on upstairs and grab my dress from the wardrobe.

And there he was again, my husband. Memories on top of memories, on top of more.

I had kept a few of his suits on the rack, hung up so neatly along with my clothes, and took a couple more seconds to run my fingers over the sleeves, smiling to myself for the bazillionth time at the thought of him standing there in one of them.

I’d never forget any of it. Not one little scrap. Not until I was taking my very final breath to go and join him.

But that wasn’t for today.

Today was about today.

Every moment counts.

Tonight I’d be living some pretty damn good ones in Harrow, along with my damn good friends.

The train was my regular journey.

Sunnydale Viaduct and Callow Road, Eastworth and Newstone and Churchley.

Every time I took the route I had a paperback on my lap, always sitting in that same seat all the way to Harrow, just so long as it was free to be sat in.

And every time I thought about my hello, stranger.

All hellos ultimately have their goodbyes. And all goodbyes hurt so much harder if the love they are founded on is so damn strong.

Still, all hellos with people you love are worth it. They are all worth their weight in gold.

I got up from my seat at Harrow Station, and like always I smiled at the empty seat opposite before I left the carriage.

Goodbye, my beautiful stranger.

Goodbye, my beautiful Dr Hall.* * *ChloeHey there, jitterbug. My white rabbit, and Cheshire cat and my sparkle of golden light that lights up my heart.

I’m sorry I had to say goodbye.

You know when I’m writing this I can see the end on the horizon, but please don’t think I am bitter about it. I’m not in the least bit bitter at all.

I really didn’t imagine I’d ever get this much time. I really didn’t imagine my bucket list would ever stretch so long, or give me so much.

You brought that to me, sweetheart.

You were the one who brought me to life when I was all but gone already.

I’m so proud of you, Chloe. I’m so proud of the incredible woman you are.

I’m so proud of the wisdom on your shoulders, and the compassion and love in your heart.

I’m proud of how well you cherish every moment, and always thank the universe for every day it brings.

Honestly, jitterbug, I thank the universe for every single day it’s given me at your side.

Please don’t miss me any more than you have to. If there is such a thing as a soul, mine will be looking right down on yours for the rest of your life.

I really do hope there is such a thing as a heaven, or an afterlife, because the prospect of another chance of time with you is enough to make me smile, even if my fingers are getting too weak to write this.

I love you, sweetheart.

Thank you, for showing me how.

I’ll say hello to my mum if she’s up there waiting. I can’t wait to hear her cackling laugh again if she is.