Reid helped me into the car. Enrico and Aldrik stared at me, and neither of them spoke. Reid got behind the wheel and took my hand in his, squeezing it tight. We sat there in silence for a moment.
“I had a panic attack in a movie theater once,” Aldrik said. “I ever tell you about that?”
“Tell me?” Enrico snorted. “I was there. You nearly puked on me.”
“Freaked me the hell out.” Aldrik sighed and looked out the window. “That shit just happens, girl.”
“He’s right.” Reid spoke softly. “We’ve all been there. It’s hard to get acclimated to it when you get so close to the edge like we did.”
“Speak for yourself,” Enrico mumbled.
“Shut the fuck up.” Aldrik punched him in the arm.
Enrico grunted and rubbed his shoulder, but didn’t retaliate.
Reid glared at him then squeezed my hand. “You’ll be fine.”
“Sorry. I just…” I trailed off, not sure what to say. But then it came out in a rush. “I saw that truck and remembered the gunshots, and the screaming, and how scared I was—and it was like being out there all over again.”
Reid nodded. “I know, and I wish I could say that it’ll never happen again, but it might. Now you’ll recognize it though, and when it happens, you can try to calm yourself down.”
“Deep breaths,” Aldrik said. “And self-talk.”
I looked away, unable to take any more of this. “We should go.”
Reid nodded, released my hand, and started the engine. He pulled out, dropped the guys off at another house, told Enrico to go clean a toilet, then dropped me back off at the house. He lingered in the doorway and watched as I collapsed onto the couch, suddenly more tired than I ever had been in my life.
His eyes stared into mine and I hated him for the pity and the worry I saw in his expression. I wanted to tell him I was fine—it would pass, it would go away, and it wouldn’t matter in the long run since none of this was real. Instead, I turned my face away, unable to handle that silent stare, and tried to pretend like everything was okay, like I hadn’t just embarrassed myself
He left and shut the door quietly. I got up and slammed the locks shut, cursing myself, hating myself, sick to death of being myself.11ReidCora was sullen and upset for the rest of the night and I knew better than to push her. I took my anger out on Enrico the next day and had him clean the bathrooms in four of my safehouses, which made Aldrik beyond happy—until I made him help out.
The next night, I came home with a pizza from a fancy joint one of the crew bosses owned. Cora was curled up on the couch in yoga pants and a tank top watching one of the housewives reality shows that I never really understood—didn’t make sense that people wanted to watch a bunch of overly made-up old ladies throw drinks at each other and complain about their lives, but whatever. I put the pizza down in the kitchen and she drifted over like a moth to a flame.
I poured myself some whiskey. “Have a slice.”
She hesitated then flipped open the box. I saw her eyes light up. “You got my favorite.”
“You mentioned it once. Figured you’d like it.”
“Sausage and peppers. The only decent toppings.” She grabbed two pieces and dropped them down on a plate before digging in.
I watch her eat for a second and sipped my drink. She looked miserable and I really hated it but couldn’t understand why—it wasn’t like our marriage was real or we were in love or any of that shit, but the idea of her being miserable in my house, unhappy with me, it drove me nuts.
“You said something in the car yesterday.”
She looked up at me and I saw the moment of anger in her eyes. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
“I don’t mean the panic attack, before that. When you were talking to Aldrik and Enrico.”
A moment of confusion. Then she tilted her head. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
“You talked about life being hard with your dad.”
She snorted, took a bite, and chewed. “Yeah, so what? You don’t believe me?”
“I definitely believe you,” I said, keeping my voice soft. “I’m curious, honestly. What was it like, being the daughter of a mafioso?”
She stared at me and I could tell she was trying to decide if I was fucking with her or not. Truth was though, I didn’t have much experience with having a solid family, and I was curious what it felt like to have a stable home, a stable father and mother, and still hate it like she did.
“I’ll tell you,” she said, “only if you go first.”
I smiled. “Go first?”
“Sure, you want to do the whole woe is me, here’s my sad backstory thing. And fine, I’ll play along, but you go first.”