My heart slammed into my ribcage as a million thoughts went through my head at the same time. But what forged ahead was the fact that Connor had figured it out and yet he was still here.
He was still here. He hadn’t left me.
Would he stay? Hope filled me. “You didn’t leave.”
He must have seen the hope in my eyes because his hand left my stomach and he cupped my chin as he said, “I swore to you I’d never leave again without telling you.”
His words drained the life out of me. Oh, God. No.
“Fuck, baby. I love you more than anything. But, we both know I can’t stay. It’s too dangerous.”
I choked back the sob, my throat so tight my breath was ragged and I felt as if I couldn’t get enough air. “Then talk to someone, Connor. Doctors can help you.”
He stroked my cheek, his thumb wiping away the tears. “It’s not so simple.”
“Nothing about us is simple. You told me that.” My voice rose as the panic heightened. “We can do this. You can. I know you’d never hurt a child.” I was full-out crying as reality set in. And maybe that was why I’d been so upset because I knew deep down I’d never terminate the pregnancy. “Connor, please. I can’t do this alone. Don’t make me do this without you. Please. I’m begging you, don’t make me.”
Tears streamed down my face as I sobbed and he pulled me into his arms, cradling my head against his chest as he stroked my hair. I felt his lips on the top of my head with his heated breath.
It was a long time before I managed to calm myself to a somewhat civil sobbing. I hated myself for breaking apart, but that was what this was. Being torn into raw bleeding pieces.
He gently pulled me from his chest, his hands cupping either side of my head as he met my eyes. “Fuck, I hate hearing you cry. It reminds me of….” He stopped then. “I fuckin’ hate it.”
I knew what he was going to say, the videos Moreno had forced him to watch while imprisoned. “Then stay.”
He sighed, shaking his head. “That’s exactly why I can’t.”
“You’re better,” I choked out. “The baby won’t be born for months. You’ll be fine. You’re handling the rage.”
He dipped his head and softly kissed me, the tender surface of my lips clinging briefly to his when he pulled away. “Until something sets me off. Alina, I sleep in another room because I see shit that isn’t there. Four nights ago I woke up and thought Moreno stood across the room from me. I had my gun on him in seconds, but you know as well as I, he wasn’t there and I had my gun on a ghost.” His thumbs stroked back and forth on my cheeks. “I love you more than anything, Alina. I’d love our child more than anything. But for once since I’ve been back, I have to do what’s best for you and not me.”
I shook my head and his hands slipped to my shoulders. “No. No. It’s not better.” I shoved him aside and scrambled from the bed.
“Alina,” he called.
I stood, anger whirling through every part of my body. He slowly moved off the bed and I backed away, shaking my head. “You don’t get to be all fucking calm right now, Connor. You want to leave me and your child then show me why,” I shouted. “Be an asshole and show me, damn it. Make me hate you.” I pushed. “Be the man who fucked me in Colombia. Be him. And maybe I’ll understand why you need to leave. Fucking show me, Connor.”
His temples throbbed and his hands curled into fists as he approached me.
I was the one who lost it, but I couldn’t stop the words as they poured out of me. “You know what? I think you enjoy watching me cry like Moreno did.” He flinched and the color drained from his face, but he kept coming for me.
I backed up until I hit the wall.
Raising my chin, I met his piercing eyes. I had to prove to him that he’d never hurt me but suddenly I wasn’t so sure, because mentioning Moreno had taken him to another level. I protectively placed my hand on my abdomen. He noticed the movement and his eyes darted down then back up again.
And then the anger blazing in his gaze shattered into complete devastation as his eyes became glassy and wet.
My breath hitched as Connor fell to his knees in front of me, arms wrapping around my hips and his forehead resting on my belly. “I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m so sorry. But I can’t stay.”
Oh, God. I tipped into him, my arms around his head to cradle him to me.