Perfect Rage (Unyielding 3)

I dragged my hand through my hair. “I worried about you every single day I was a prisoner.” Her body stiffened and her eyes darted from mine. “You were okay, right? Deck protected you?”

“Yeah.” She nodded a little too quick for my liking and I suspected there was something she wasn’t telling me, but pushing to find out what wouldn’t do either of us any good. “Deck protected me. I wasn’t easy on him though.” She laughed and the sound was exactly as I remembered it. “But Deck likes a challenge.”

I plucked a maple leap off a low branch. “He likes winning.”

Georgie nudged me with her shoulder. “You did, too. You just accepted the challenge laughing. He was always the serious one. Well, he still is but not as much as Vic. I bet Tyler gets a kick out of trying to make that guy smile.”

I snorted. I sensed what she was doing, trying to bring lightness to this.

We walked in silence for a few minutes then I asked her about her coffee shops and afterward she chatted about her friends, Emily and Kat.

I listened. There was nothing of me I cared to talk about and hearing about her life was why I was here. It gave me some semblance of peace to hear that she was okay and would be okay after I was gone. When she mentioned Mom and Dad, my tentative hold collapsed.

“Never tell them. It won’t do them any good to find out I’m alive. They don’t need to lose their son twice.”

“But they aren’t losing you, Connor.”

“Yeah, they are, Georgie. I’m already gone. Too far gone and there’s no hope finding my way back.”

“So, you just leave and we’re all supposed to pretend you’re dead?” Pretty much, but I stayed quiet. “Do you know what Deck has done to try to bring you home?”

“Yeah,” I whispered more to myself than her.

Then she asked, “And Alina? You love her, right?”

It took a second for me to speak because just mentioning her name raged a war inside me. “What I feel for her is limitless. There is no end to the love I have for her.”

She frowned. “Then why are you leaving, Connor? Why?”

The familiar tapping in my head began and soon it would be out-of-control banging. “She’s pregnant.”

She gasped and her eyes widened. “Holy shit. Wow. That’s great—” She abruptly stopped. “And you’re leaving? Connor, you’re leaving the woman you love alone and pregnant?”

Turning, I headed back to the coffee shop. She remained where she was and then jogged after me.

“Connor? You can’t do this.” She grabbed my arm and tugged me to a stop. “Damn it, Connor.” Her voice rose, “My brother fights until the end. He never gives up. He fights until he gets it right, even if it kills him.”

“I’m fighting. Fuck, I’ve never fought so goddamn hard in my life. I’m fighting to stop myself from going back to her, so I can do what will keep her and my child safe. I won’t have a kid growing up with a father they fear. Or be made fun of at school because their dad sees shit that isn’t there. Or a dad who can’t keep his cool. Or a dad who stalks his or her own fuckin’ mother because he doesn’t want to forget her. And what about when he wants friends to come over? Or when Alina gets tired of putting up with my bullshit? What then? What happens then, damn it?”

“Then we get you help now.”

“I fuckin’ can’t, Georgie,” I shouted. “I’ll lose my mind and I can’t lose the memory of her, too. It’s all I have left.”

She grabbed my arm and forced me to stop from crossing the road. “Connor, you’re my big brother and I love you no matter what. I mean that. No. Matter. What. And I want more than anything for you to stay, but you’re a stubborn son-of-a-bitch and I know once your mind is set, it’s set in cement. But you’re lying to yourself if you think you’re fighting. And if your head is too messed up to know that, then you need to listen to me.

“You’re running and losing. I know you’ve changed, and suffered more than I can ever comprehend, but there are parts of a person that are permanent. They don’t change. And you, Connor, you fight and take risks. It’s who you are.

“Risk losing, Connor. Risk losing everything. Because if it’s limitless like you say, then isn’t it worth the risk?”

Heat raged in my body as her words rallied in my head. Words I didn’t know what to do with. Risk. Risk losing my mind and forgetting her? Risk losing myself to the rage if I’m locked up again?

I stared at the ground as I dragged my hand over my face. My body trembled and my head pounded. Control slipped and it wasn’t so much the rage, it was the collapse of a man as tears welled in my eyes. I clamped my jaw desperate to stop the pain and be strong like I was supposed to be.