“No. No. I can’t. He’s coming back. I know he is. He wouldn’t just leave me.”
Deck’s gaze shifted to Kai who now stood and was only a few feet away.
“What?” Panic rose as I looked from Deck to Kai. “Damn it, what?”
Kai spoke, “Tell her.”
“Yeah,” Deck muttered. Then he reached for my hand. “Sit down.”
I jerked away. “What?” My eyes shot to Kai and my fear intensified because he longer appeared casual. “What’s wrong?” Oh, God, please let Connor be okay.
“He left provisions for you and the baby,” Deck said.
I gripped the door handle, wondering if it would be better if I just ran out the door before he told me anything more. If I didn’t hear it, then it wasn’t true, right? My hope would still be there and I could stand on the porch at night and believe Connor was out there watching me.
“He left money,” Deck continued. “A large sum with instructions to buy Kite and Deaglan’s house and set up a bank account for you with the rest of it. I hadn’t told you yet because I was waiting on the paperwork for the house.”
Connor left me money? He bought the house? My head spun as I tried to grasp the meaning of this, but really there was nothing to grasp except what I didn’t want to accept.
“No. It’s not true.” My hand tightened on the doorknob as the fear of losing Connor for good attempted to get through the cracks of my denial and anger.
Deck walked to his desk and shuffled papers around.
“I don’t want his fucking money. Do you hear me?” I yelled. “I don’t want it. I want him. Just him.” It was a stupid idea coming here. They’d given up on Connor, but I wasn’t. I’d find him myself. “Fuck you both.”
I yanked open the door and stormed out, but I only made it three steps before an arm snagged my waist and picked me up off my feet.
I saw the secretary glance at us. Her eyes wide with shock and then she quickly put her head down and went back to whatever she was doing.
“Let me go, damn it.” I struggled to escape Kai’s grip, but my hand shoving at his forearm had no effect. He carried me back into the office, slammed the door then plopped me onto my feet in front of the couch.
“Sit,” he ordered.
I met his scowl, breathing rapid and pulse racing. I opened my mouth to tell him to go fuck himself when his brows lifted as if daring me.
I sat.
Deck and Kai stood in front of me, impenetrable boulders, but both of their expressions softened once I sat. It was like a heavy blanket settled over me and smothered the burning fire of anger and my shoulders sagged with defeat.
“I’ll send London to stay with you tonight,” Kai said and then turned and left the office.
“Alina,” Deck said softly as he crouched in front of me.
Tears welled as I met his eyes because he didn’t have to say anything.
The truth had slipped through the cracks.
I choked on a sob, hating that I fell apart, but unable to stop myself. “I’m sorry,” I murmured. “God, I’m so sorry. It’s selfish of me to take my anger out on you. You’ve done so much to help him and you must be hurting, too, and Georgie. God, I can’t imagine what she’s feeling.”
Deck laid his hand over mine that were wrung in my lap. “I wish I could lie and tell you I think he’s coming back, but I can’t.”
I nodded.
“It’s not easy to give up on someone you love. But that’s not what this is, Alina. This is being able to accept his choice. I don’t know if it’s the right or wrong one and I won’t judge him for it. I didn’t go through what he did.”
“It hurts so much,” I said in a quivering voice. “I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe without him.” I raised my head and said the words that had been eating away at me for weeks. “I blame the baby for him leaving. And then I hate myself for blaming an unborn child who’s innocent of all this.”
“I know it’s hard to believe right now, but one day the hurt will be bearable and you’ll take a breath and it won’t hurt so much. But I won’t lie, Alina. It never goes away, you just learn how to live with it.”
“Oh, God, I need him to be okay. He’s alone Deck. He doesn’t have anyone.” I threw my arms around his neck and sobbed into his shirt. He held me close and he slowly stroked my hair as I cried.
My acceptance had busted through the denial and the last of the anger drowned in the pain of what was the truth. “He’s not coming back,” I muffled into his shirt.