I sobbed, squeezing my eyes shut as I silently prayed for him to let me go.
The sudden splash of scotch hit the fresh wounds. I writhed and jerked and screamed, but it was useless as he held me down. “Do you?”
I shook my head.
He shoved me hard in the back and I fell forward. He untied the belt around my wrists and I heard him slipping the leather back through his belt loops. I waited for the creak of the door to open and close before I yanked the rag out of my mouth and vomited until my sides cramped and I had nothing left.
“Chaos? Come back, love.”
Deck? No, Deck didn’t know Chaos. He’d never know Chaos. I kept that from him. I had to for both our sakes.
But there was a small part of me that wanted him to see me. Instead, he believed in the lie I’d become. How could he think I was that drunk girl who wasted her life away? Because I’d made sure he did. I did everything in my power to hide my lies.
I jerked away from the hands slowly helping me up from lying on the floor. He gently undid the belt then removed the rag and I licked the saliva accumulated around my mouth. I kept my eyes squeezed shut, needing time to pull myself back from the memory. Contain the pain that revisited.
I heard him walk to the far side of the shack, the creak of the metal wall as he leaned against it. He’d stay and watch me like he always did. I didn’t know if he did it to make certain I was okay or because he enjoyed watching me curl in a ball and cry until I had nothing left in me.
Tears for Connor. The brother I’d lost and missed with every breath. Tears for the other girls Robbie had hurt. Tears for Deck. Yeah, I cried for him because I knew behind the unyielding man was pain for what he’d seen in his life.
Emotions drove through me—Guilt. Pain. Rage.
Then finally acceptance.
That was why I needed the purging, to prove I was strong. To let go of the weakness I hated so much. To remember who I was now.
It was a long time before the raw emotions became controlled again and I was able to take a deep breath without the catch in my throat. I felt the release, like a balloon being set free in the wind—freedom. It was euphoric and completely fucked up, but it was my fucked up and what happened here worked for me. I could walk away strong and immune to the nightmare that destroyed who I’d been.
It was my way to tuck my past away in the far corners of my mind, not to be released again until I came here.
I sat up on my heels, hearing the soft tread of his approach before he was carefully applying bandages over the cuts. They weren’t deep, and most likely wouldn’t ever scar me. Robbie had made certain of that, too. Wounds that healed so my back could become a blank canvas again, but my memory would never heal.
I patiently waited for him to finish and then picked up my shirt and slid it over my head. I could smell the scotch. It must have splashed onto the material. I watched his long fingers do up the two buttons at the top and then his thumb came under my chin and raised my head so I’d look at him.
He always did that. Looked me in the eyes as if reading whatever was going on in my head. He never said anything, and I suspected it was to make certain I was okay.
He took my hand and helped me to my feet then we walked outside. The sun beamed down on my face so brightly I couldn’t see for a few seconds while my vision adjusted. Every step I took, the cuts on my back rubbed under the bandages. I learned to wear loose clothing when I came here. This time … I’d worn Deck’s shirt. It smelled like him despite the scotch that now splattered the material. Still, if I tilted my chin down, I could breathe Deck in and feel … solid again.
“Faster than usual.” I heard Tanner say as we approached the car.
He snorted and when I looked up at him through parted blue streaks of hair, I caught the fierce glare he sent Tanner. I had the impression he didn’t like him very much, but Tanner had been with us since the beginning. It was odd. If he didn’t like him, why was Tanner still part of this? “Get your head on the job, Chaos,” he said.
I opened the passenger door and slid in, careful to keep my back from touching the leather seat. Like always, my mind was a fog of emotions attempting to block out the memories and bring me back to the numbness of surviving.