The next email I read represents the start of my journey back to salvation. It took me less than twenty-four hours to decide to pack my shit and hit the road after I kicked Emily out. It took me a bit longer to realize I needed help and I reached out to Dr. Antoniak.
Date: November 11, 2012 6:21 a.m.
To: M. Antoniak [[email protected]]
From: Nix Caldwell [[email protected]]
Re: Help
Dear Dr. Antoniak:
I think I may have screwed my life up pretty royally and I really need to talk to you. Unfortunately, I'm in California so I obviously can't come and see you. Can we do a phone session?
Just as a head's up, I was in a situation where my rage completely took over and I'm afraid I said some things to Emily that are pretty unforgivable. I'm not sure what to do but I would like to try to fix this. Any help is really appreciated.
Sincerely,
Nix Caldwell
I'm lucky that Dr. Antoniak responded to me almost immediately. We set up to have an hour session via phone for the following day. I spent most of the time telling her in exacting detail what transpired in my bedroom when Emily found my Navy Cross. It still came back to the same exact issue. I was suffering from extreme guilt over what transpired with Paul, and until I confronted that, Dr. Antoniak pretty much said I was fucked.
She didn't say it in quite those terms, but that's what I got out of it.
I spent the next week talking things through with Dr. Antoniak over a course of three phone sessions. She would send me follow up emails giving me words of encouragement.
I read one such email now.
Date: November 16, 2012 4:02 p.m.
To: Nix Caldwell [[email protected]]
From: M. Antoniak [[email protected]]
Re: You Can Do It
Dear Nix:
Just a quick note to tell you that I think we had a very good phone session today. You know the answers to all of your problems. Hell, you've probably known the answers all along. You are only missing the fortitude to push past your fears and confront your guilt head on.
You must go see Paul. You must talk through these feelings with him. Remember, it doesn't matter what he says. It doesn't matter what his perception is. It only matters that you get these feelings off of your chest so that they stop weighing you down. I personally trust that Paul is going to give you exactly what you need to heal.
Last piece of advice. You need to let Emily in sooner, rather than later. You need to trust in her too. Now get off your ass and go get it done. I have faith in you.
Dr. Antoniak
This last email has the desired effect and I believe I'm ready for what needs to be done. I open a new email to Dr. Antoniak and start typing.
Date: November 18, 2012 10:48 p.m.
To: M. Antoniak [[email protected]]
From: Nix Caldwell [[email protected]]
Re: Here I Go...
Dear Dr. Antoniak:
I'm heading back and will be home by tomorrow evening. I plan to see her then I'll head down to see Paul.
I'll let you know how it turns out.
Sincerely,
Nix
I hit "Send" and then shut my laptop down. I sit back on the bed and finish my beer, my thoughts straying to Emily as they normally do.
I miss her so much.
I cannot believe how much I fucked things up with her. I wasn't even sure that we had anything to fuck up. But once I pushed her out of my life, it was painfully obvious how much she fulfilled me. If I thought I was only half of a person before I met Emily, I was nothing but a wasted, dried out husk after she was gone.
Over the past two years, I have spent all of my time trying to hide from my feelings. I was afraid of the torment they brought me. What I've come to learn is that the pain of losing Emily far exceeds anything that I could ever imagine happening to me.
And that realization alone makes me understand with shocking clarity that I have nothing to fear by talking to Paul. Nothing can hurt as bad as the way I feel when Emily is not in my life.
I've probably lost her for good and that's a consequence I'll have to bear. But I need to let her know she's taught me so much in the few weeks I've known her. She's shown me the path to my own salvation and I am finally strong enough to walk it.
CHAPTER 28
Emily
It's Friday afternoon and I'm trying to study. My eyes skim over half a page before I realize that I've not absorbed a single word.
I throw my textbook aside with frustration. It's no use...I can't concentrate.
It's been this way for the past two weeks. All I can think about is Nix and how much I screwed up. My heart is broken and I don't know how to fix it. Nix is angry, and I don't know how to fix that either. I feel useless...and lonely.
I am also tired of feeling this way. I have to snap out of this funk and move on with my life. It's clear that whatever I had with Nix is no more, and there is no going back.
Unfortunately, it doesn't feel like there is any going forward either.
There's been no word from Nix. I texted him the day after our fight asking him if he wanted me to still work for him. I knew the answer to that already, but I was desperate for some contact from him...anything.
His return text was short and biting.
Just pay me when you get your trust money.
That was it. Nothing else.
I didn't have the guts to try again. It hurt too much to have this bitter freeze from him.
Danny and Fil have been great. Between the two of them, they are sporting some soggy shoulders. They've both listened to me bitch, grouse, cry, moan, and gripe to them. They've cursed Nix with me and they've defended my feelings. They both threated to cut off his balls for me, but when it boiled right down to it, they would have welcomed him back with open arms if he walked through my door, because they both knew that would make me happy.
Ryan is another matter. I haven't really talked to him yet but Danny has filled him in on everything. I think she said it would be wise for Nix to stay away from Ryan unless he wanted a broken nose. I don't think Ryan is going to be happy if he were to walk back through my door, but it really doesn't matter. It's not going to happen anyway.
Surprisingly, I even told my parents about our breakup and they were amazingly supportive. I mean, my mother wasn't threatening to cut off his balls but she did tell me that sometimes men just need time to see the error of their ways.
I hated she told me that because it kept my hopes alive far longer than they should have been.
That's it, I say to myself. I stand from the couch and stomp into the kitchen. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. It's time to put Nix Caldwell to rest and start getting back on this crazy train of life I had been riding.
I open the fridge and pull out a bottle of wine we had opened a few days ago. I don't even bother with a wine glass but pour some into a coffee cup.
Ah, the benefits of freedom.
Heading back into the living room, I take a generous sip. Maybe I'll get drunk tonight. Just as I'm almost ready to sit down again, someone knocks on the door.
Setting my wine down, I head over to the door and look through the peep hole.
And my world starts crashing as I see Nix on the other side of the door.
My heart starts into overdrive and my skin starts to itch. I suddenly realize I'm wearing his t-shirt. It's the same one I had pulled on when he kicked me out of the apartment. I walked out wearing it, not even realizing it until a few days later when I found it in my laundry bin. I didn't wash it because it smelled like him and now I'd taken to wearing it around the house when I was feeling blue.
Maybe he's here for the shirt. Surely there would be no other reason for him to be here.
I take a deep breath and open the door. As soon as my eyes meet his, all of my false bravado and promises to move on flee my mind. Instead, I take in the beautifully, damaged man that I had fallen foolishly in love with.
&nb
sp; And the tears immediately well up in my eyes.
Hastily blinking them back, I manage a whisper, "What are you doing here?"
"Can I come in so we can talk?"
Can he? Should I let him? Or should I stay hard and unyielding?
"Okay," I immediately capitulate as I step back from the door.
Nix, as always, looks beyond mouth-watering. Simple t-shirt and jeans. Nothing different from what he normally wears but he owns that look. His hair has been trimmed a bit but he's still sporting that five o'clock perpetual shadow that I love so much.