Off the Record (Off 3)

She looks up at me again and her gaze looks uneasy. "No...it's just...I thought this was just sex. I thought that was all Linc Caldwell did...just sex."

I want to reassure her that is not all there is to me. I want her to know that for some reason, she's become more to me than just a great fuck. "Ever...everyone grows and changes. Maybe I'm changing. Maybe you're changing me."

I had hoped to see relief in her eyes. I had hoped she would kiss me and tell me that was fucking fantastic. I wanted her to say that something was missing in her life too until she met me.

Instead, she shakes her head sorrowfully. "I'm sorry, Linc. But I just don't feel that way. I can't feel that way."

Then she steps out of my arms and walks off the dance floor.

I'm lying in bed next to Linc. He has me spooned into him, his arms wrapped tightly around me. His breathing is even and relaxed.

I am anything but.

Yesterday had actually threatened to destroy my sanity. I had thought I had firm control over my feelings. But yesterday, when Linc and I had sex on the deck, something shifted inside of me. It was like that hard block of ice around my heart started rattling, threatening to expose a vulnerable crack. His actions were intense and raw. I was stripped naked, but he made me feel more exposed and vulnerable...stripped to my core...with the way he moved inside of me.

And then at the cowboy bar last night...my stomach actually lurches at the memory. Our dance had been so sweet. A welcome change from the intense way we lose ourselves to each other sexually. But then he ruined it with his words.

I think something was missing until I met you.

He said that to me and that block of ice rattled again...and I swear, I could actually feel a crack run down the middle. But then I thought of Marc...and my father...and I knew that I could not take what he was saying as truth. I reasoned to myself that he was just feeling high on our mutual attraction to each other. He was translating the perfectness of sex into something deeper.

Yes, Linc was starting to make me feel. And I can't let that happen again.

So I said the words that needed to be said. I told him that I couldn't feel that way about him.

His look...just before I walked off the dance floor...he was crushed. A sharp pain ran through me at the thought of his feelings being hurt, but I steeled myself against it. I had to protect myself.

I didn't have it in me to suffer the pain of Linc loving me and leaving me. I just couldn't risk it.

When we got back to the cabin last night, I had every intention of telling Linc that it was over. That we couldn't continue on this sexual odyssey upon which we had embarked. Every time he touched me, I could feel my resolve weakening. But he took me in his arms, and told me that he was sorry for the words he had said. He told me that he didn't want to freak me out, and that he understood that I had just come out of a bad relationship.

He had said, "Ever, I can be satisfied if sex is all we have. We'll make it work."

And just like that, I melted into him. He had reassured me that our hearts would remain detached and our bodies satisfied. And I chose to believe him. I needed to believe him.

And it had become so natural...the way we came together, our clothes just seemed to dissolve. We fell into bed and fell into each other. Rather than think about all of the ways that both of us could get screwed out of this deal, I chose to concentrate on the way he made my body feel. And he didn't disappoint. He never disappoints.

I look at the clock beside the bed. I need to get up. I still have to pack so I can catch my early afternoon flight. I have a layover in Houston, then I'll fly direct into Raleigh and to my mom. I can't wait to see her. To sit on the front porch, and drink sweet tea, and talk about our lives.

Gingerly moving Linc's arm off of me, I start to slide away from him. But apparently Linc isn't sleeping as deeply as I thought. His arm tightens around me and pulls me back into his body. I can feel his hardness against my butt and my body immediately floods with desire. I can't wait to see my mom, but I have to admit...I am going to miss waking up in his arms.

Linc wastes no time. His hand slides down between my legs and before long, he is inside of me. He moves leisurely, despite my urgings to go faster. He kisses me the entire time, never breaking contact with our lips. Our bodies are so in tune with one another, the minute he feels the rumblings of my orgasm coursing through me, he follows me to completion.

As our heart rates slow, he nuzzles my neck. I stroke his arms, trying to hold on to this feeling for as long as I can.

"Well, we better get up and get us packed," he says.

I thought it was a slip of the tongue. "You mean get me packed."

"No, I mean get us packed. I'm going with you to North Carolina."

I push out of Linc's arms and turned to face him. "You're not going to North Carolina with me."

"Yes, I am."

"You weren't invited, Linc."

"I'm inviting myself. Besides, you agreed to spend six weeks with me, and I expect you to abide by it."

I want to get angry at him. I want to tell him he is being pushy and overbearing, but God help me...I want him to go with me. And while I can still firmly say that I cannot do a relationship with him, I still want him beside me.

"I'll stay in a hotel. I won't impede on your time with your mom," he says, as an extra means of securing my assent. But he doesn't need to do that. I want him too much to be apart from him for a few days.

"No, it's okay. My mom has plenty of room at her house. Although we'll have to sleep in separate rooms."

The smile he gives me is blinding, and that ice box in my chest rattles again. "No. I'll stay in a hotel. I want you to be able to come over there and let me have my way with you, at least three times a day."

"Only three times? You're getting slack on me."

"You cannot insult my manliness like that and expect to get away with it." He pulls me back into his arms and starts kissing my neck while his hand comes up to palm my breast. I sigh into his touch and hope to God we aren't late getting to the airport.

We are waiting to board our connection from Houston to Raleigh and I'm watching Linc. Because we were relatively secluded in Wyoming, Linc didn't get many people that recognized him. But walking through the Houston airport, he's had a few people ask him for autographs. He is so gracious with everyone, stopping to chat and ask them personal questions.

A slam of regret hits me hard for the things I said about him in that article. I painted him so crudely and he is anything but. I hope my next article can make it up to him. So that he can see that I see him for what he is. A genuine man.

Linc is talking on the phone right now. He got the call about ten minutes ago and he stepped away for some privacy. The look on his face is grave and I hope everything is okay back home. He drags his hand through his hair, an action I've come to recognize as frustration. He did it two nights ago as we sat at the dining room table and played Rummy. I beat him hand after hand and I thought he'd pull his hair out at some point.

They finally call us to board, and Linc walks behind me as we make our way to our seats. He's still on the phone and I can hear snippets of what he is saying.

"Well, get on the phone with Barry and see if the rumor is true."

"Yeah, I get that this could go down quickly."

"No...I mean...what can I do. It's not my decision, is it?"

"Fine, call me tomorrow and give me an update."

Linc puts his phone in his pocket and we take our seats. He's sitting near the window and looking out. I can feel tension radiating off of his body, and while I don't want to care...I can't help but do.

Taking his hand in mine, I ask, "Is everything okay?"

He turns slowly to look at me. He glances down at my fingers laced with his, and then back to me. "This has to be off the record, okay?"

"Of course," I assure him.

"That was my agent. He says there is a rumor floating around that New York wants to trade me to open up room under the salary cap." His voice sounds dejected and although I've tried hard to keep the temperature low on my heart, I can feel it starting to melt a bit for him.

"I'm sorry. I'm not sure what that really means, but I can tell that you're not liking that."

He sighs, and there goes the hand raking through his hair. The other hand squeezes mine, as if the contact is reassuring to him. "It's part of being a professional athlete. You get traded. I just hate the thought of leaving my dad and Nix."

"Where would you go?"

"Apparently they approached the Phoenix Coyotes and are willing to take some prime draft picks for the trade."

"Is it a done deal?"

"Not yet. The teams are just talking now. I'll know more in a few days."

"How does that affect you? I mean, outside of having to move to away from your family?"

Linc shrugs his shoulders. "It doesn't really. I mean...I'll miss my teammates like crazy. But my contract stays the same. Phoenix will have to pay the contract out as is."

"I'm sorry," I say. I want to take him in my arms and hold him, but the airplane isn't conducive to that. "I know what it's like to move away from your loved ones."