Off Course (Off 4)

"No. We don't need to be thinking like that. We need to do everything we can to support her to get better."

"Okay... you're right," I say with relief.

Because I can't give up on Maeve, particularly if I've been the cause of some of her issues. The guilt is pressing down on me hard, and I vow that I need to make fixing this a priority.

CHAPTER 9

Renner

I check my watch as I walk to The Hibernian and see that I'm going to be my usual fifteen minutes early. So much for living life on the wild side.

But who needs the wild side anyway? There are benefits to having order, and surprises are way too stressful. There's not anything lacking from my life, I'm sure of it.

However, if that's true, then why can't I get Cillian's last words out of my head?

He told me that I had received something from our exchange the other night. I mentally calculate the list of emotions that ran through me. Anger, frustration, hurt, sorrow. That list just doesn't seem to be what I need. I've had plenty of that in the not-so-distant past.

There were other things that happened to me. Pleasure, beyond pleasure. That almost outweighed the bad, but not quite. Besides, I'm confident that's not what Cillian was talking about. He's arrogant, for sure, but he's confident enough in himself that he wouldn't need to point that out.

No, it's something more. And I feel like I should know what it is, yet it's just beyond my reach.

Without thinking twice about it, I pull my phone out of my purse and dial my mom. She answers almost immediately.

"Renner, baby! How are you?"

My heart swells and expands, just hearing her voice. Nora Caldwell is my light among lights. Even though I was a daddy's girl growing up, my mom and I developed a closeness these last few years that surpassed the bond I have with my dad.

"I'm fine. Dublin's great. Everything's great. How are you and Daddy?"

"We're just fine, honey. Your dad and Flynn are outside trying to fix the lawn mower. You should hear the curses coming out of their mouths."

I grin, thinking about those two Caldwell men trying to fix something. I know, without a doubt, they'll tinker with it for about an hour before they give up and call a repairman. Still, I have to admire their tenacity.

"They'll be so glad to hear from you," she says.

"Actually, I don't have much time. My shift starts soon. I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Is something wrong, Ren?"

I swallow hard. Do I lie to her or do I seek her advice?

Advice, definitely. It's always been good.

"Actually...I'm just feeling like something is lacking in my life, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what it is."

"Is this because of Cormac?" Just hearing his name tightens my stomach, and the extra disdain in her voice just reinforces my shame over what happened to me. "Because if it is... you did absolutely nothing wrong, Renner. What happened is his shame, not yours."

Holy hell, my mom freaks me out sometimes. It's like she can read my mind. She and Cady are the only ones that know the true story about what happened with Cormac and she's not a fan of his.

"No, it's not exactly about Cormac. It's just... well, something happened to me the other night and it just got me thinking."

"You know I can't help you unless you spell it out for me. So dish."

Smiling, I take a deep breath and tell her everything about Cillian, from the moment we met five years ago, until the minute he walked out of my apartment almost three days ago. I gloss over the sexy details, but I give her enough so she can get a clear picture of what he's doing to my insides.

"So, he says I got something out of that exchange. He makes it sound like he did me a favor when he just ran roughshod over me. And he drives me crazy, Mom. He's arrogant, bossy, stubborn, and mean-tempered."

My mom laughs with delight. "He's Irish, Renner. Get used to it. That's not going to change."

I've made it to The Hibernian and glancing at my watch, I see I'm exactly on time. Fifteen minutes early. I squash the compulsion to hang up with my mom so I can get inside.

"So what did I get out of it, oh Wise One?"

"Let me ask you this, Renner... why didn't you just push him away and kick him out of your apartment? Why did you let him kiss you? And be honest with me."

I think about it and the answer is immediate, if not a little embarrassing. But there's no holding back now, particularly if my mom is on to something. "Because it was thrilling and dangerous and new. And I had to know what came next."

"Hmmmm."

"What 'hmmmm'?

"For someone that lives her life in such an orderly and planned fashion, that sure sounds pretty spontaneous to me. Sounds like you gave up control just a bit. How'd it feel?"

"It was amazing," I admit. "Up until the time he started talking, then it went rapidly downhill."

My mom laughs and it is bright and cheerful, and I can tell she takes true delight in my discovery, as well as my frustration over the situation. I know this because she is a big believer that change is good and she often believes that if you're not stumbling just a bit in your endeavors, you're really not learning very much. "Well, it sounds like you've figured out your mystery. If I had to take a guess, that young man is causing you to live a little outside of our comfort zone. I think that's a good thing for you, baby-girl."

"Maybe," I tell her noncommittally. I give her my love, ask her to pass it on to Dad and Flynn, and then hang up.

I don't know what to make of this newfound discovery. So I suppose I took a chance and let go of some control. I guess I was spontaneous. And I even believe that those things are very good for me.

But none of that meant that Cillian O'Bradaigh is good for me, now did it?

***

The dinner crowd is starting to thin out a bit but it's still not been too bad tonight. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I check it for texts.

Yes, it's become my habit to to check my phone a few times a day, because I know I can count on receiving at least one, if not more, from Cormac.

I think I may have screwed up royally where he's concerned. After receiving that first text, I didn't respond. I had decided it was best to just let this one go. But he persisted, and after receiving three more, I returned one and asked him to stop. He was quiet for all of about twelve hours, and then he hit me below the belt.

He started telling me he and his wife were getting a divorce. He offered to move to the States to be with me, that we could get married, buy a house together, and have children. He was offering me my ideal life. And it made me curious.

So I replied. I merely told him that I thought it was a little too late for those things. He texted me back right away.

There's always time for forgiveness and starting over.

Was there? Could I forgive his betrayal of me? Could I even trust him again? The answer was probably no to all of those questions, but it didn't stop me from engaging him in further text conversation.

The thing that bothered me the most was that he and his wife were divorcing. I never had the courage to ask him the details, but my gut instinct said that she left him. Which makes it seem to me that he was probably moving in for his second choice. I clearly couldn't see him having the courage to stand up to her...to tell her he was choosing me over her. He had the opportunity to do that when all of this came out in the open, and instead he lied about our relationship, made false accusations against me...all in an effort to save his marriage.

No, I'm pretty sure she didn't buy his crap either and she ended it with him. Now he's feeling alone and wants to bring me back into the fold so his battered ego can be soothed.

Now I'm regretting the fact I even engaged in conversation with him. Because the more he texted, the more grandiose his plans seemed to be. It was now making me feel uneasy, and I stopped responding as of yesterday.

Glancing at my phone now, I see he's sent another one.

I believe that you and I are mea

nt to be together. Please don't let my mistake cause both of us to be unhappy.

Yeah...not going to respond to that one either. It's my hope that he'll get tired and eventually leave me alone.

"Hey, Ren. You got two hungry customers here. Shake a leg."

I glance up, looking for Cady, because it's her voice calling out to me. She's standing at the end of the bar, wearing a pale yellow sundress with strappy sandals. And standing right next to her is none other than Cillian. Their arms are linked together.

My mouth goes dry at the sight of him and I hate the fact that my pulse is thrumming rapidly. How can just looking at him cause my body to physically react like that?