Off Course (Off 4)

"I was just calling to see how things were going?"

"Hang on," he says, and I wait a few moments. His voice is louder when he says, "Sorry I haven't called."

"That's okay. I was just getting ready to go to bed and wanted to see if you were still coming over tonight."

He sighs, and I can envision him combing his fingers through his hair. "I don't think tonight's going to be good. She's having a really rough time and I hate to abandon her right now."

"Sure," I say confidently. "That's not a problem. I hope everything goes well."

Before he can answer, I hear Maeve in the background. "Cillian, please come back in here," and something about her tone of voice grates on my nerves. It sounds whining with a hint of sexuality to it. Maybe I'm imagining it, but I don't think so.

"Look... I got to go," he says abruptly, whispering again. "I'll call you in the morning."

And then he hangs up without even saying goodbye.

I put my phone down, staring at it for a long while. Dread gnaws at my stomach, and I can't help but feel that I'm stuck in some spider's sticky web created by Maeve.

I'm hurt he was whispering to me as if he was ashamed I was on the phone. I hate he didn't say goodbye to me. I hate that she called out to him as if her needs were far superior to anyone else's.

Most of all, I hate that I feel any of this, because when it boils down to it, Maeve has a serious problem and I'm ashamed that I'm jealous of her time with Cillian.

CHAPTER 20

Cillian

I disconnect the call to Renner and grip it tightly. I want to hurl my phone into the wall; I'm so angry and frustrated right now.

I'm angry at Maeve. I'm pissed because she has a problem, and I'm the one that has to deal with it. I know that's unfair to her, but I'm fucking pissed all the same. I hate her weakness, the same way I hated it in my Da. I've been sitting here for almost six fucking hours trying to talk sense into her, and it's going nowhere.

When I first arrived at her apartment, she was a mess. She was sobbing and lamenting about her life. At first, it was about the stresses with the band, and then it was about me and how she missed what we had. She even had the nerve to tell me that she was stressed because she was worried about my relationship with Renner, and she wasn't sure that she was the girl for me.

She could tell that pissed me off, particularly when I told her that I wouldn't listen to her badmouth Renner. I almost walked out on her, but then she started backpedaling. She apologized, and then wanted to tell me all about her crappy life.

She'd never shared in the past with me much of the details as to why she was estranged from her parents, but surprise of surprises, it was because they were both alcoholics and it was far worse than I could have imagined. I listed with acid churning as she told me her father would molest her when he was drunk, and that her mother knew about it and did nothing to stop it. I sat and listened to her patiently, my heart sick with how much she suffered. I also commiserated because I know something about the subject of alcoholism and abuse, although she doesn't know just how much.

I'm also angry with myself, because as I sat there and listened to Maeve pour her heart out to me, I actually zoned out a few times and thought about Renner. But then I would shake my head and focus back on Maeve because she needed someone to listen to her. Her experiences are different than mine, but just as traumatizing in a very different way.

Just when I thought I had her calmed down... just when I thought I could make my break so I could go be with Renner, she would start a fresh round of sobs that had me trying to back her down off the ledge again.

I had stepped into the living room to take Renner's call, hoping for a little privacy. I had wanted to stay on that call with Renner for as long as possible, because just her voice coated me like a balm. Then Maeve's voice echoed out from the bedroom, calling me back into her personal nightmare.

Shoving my phone in my pocket, I make my way back there. She's been lying in her bed since I got here and my back is killing me from perching on the edge of it as we talk. I alternately pat her leg or reach over to the nightstand to grab some tissues for her to wipe her eyes.

Staring down at her now as she lays there, my heart lurches for Maeve's misery. She looks so lost and fragile--I'm suddenly terrified that nothing I say or do will make much of a difference in the long run. But what I have to remember is that I just need to get her through this day, and hopefully tomorrow will be better for her.

"Who was that?" she asks, in a somewhat petulant voice.

"Renner," I say quietly.

"Oh. Well, if you need to go be with her, I understand. I've taken up enough of your time."

For a split second, I think I might just make it over to Renner's tonight, that Maeve is actually feeling okay enough for me to leave. But her statement is punctuated by a tiny sob, and I sigh inwardly. This is going to be a long night.

***

Fuck, I feel like shit this morning.

It's almost 9:00AM as I enter my apartment building and head to the lift. Maeve had kept me up until almost 3:00AM. When I finally convinced her to go to sleep, I stumbled out into her living room and crashed on her couch. I had been through the emotional ringer with her and I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

When I woke up, she was in her kitchen, cooking breakfast. She looked bright and cheery, and even gave me a kiss on the cheek. She'd tried to get me to stay for breakfast, but all I could think about was getting out of there and making my way to Renner. She looked pissed I wouldn't stay, and even stuck her lower lip out, but I wasn't having any of it. I'd provided the support she so desperately needed and she needed to get through some of this on her own strength.

I figure I'll grab a quick shower then head over to Renner's. I'm hoping she didn't agree to go into work and we can at least spend the day and night together. I'd kill to just veg out on the couch and watch movies all day with her.

As I exit the lift, I look in surprise at my door. Renner is sitting on the floor, her back resting up against it. She has two Styrofoam cups and a white bag.

"Hey," I say, my heart lifting with happiness that she's here.

She stands up and wipes her hands on her jeans. "Where have you been?"

I glance down at myself and see that I'm wearing the same clothes I had on when I dropped her off at her apartment yesterday. I know what conclusion she's going to jump to before she even makes the final leap.

"It's not what you think," I assure her.

"You stayed at Maeve's place last night."

"Okay, it is what you think but I slept on the couch. Nothing happened between us," I tell her, gaging her reaction carefully. When she just stares at me, I continue, "Well, unless you count the fact I played fucking psychologist to her for almost nine straight hours. But other than that, nothing happened."

She gives me a tight smile and reaches down to the cups and bag. "I brought some tea and breakfast. Are you hungry?"

I give her back a tired smile of my own. "I'm starving. Maeve tried to get me to stay for breakfast but I couldn't get out of there fast enough."

I can see some of the tension leaves her shoulders at my words and I start to feel marginally better that she'll forgive me for abandoning her. I let her into my flat and we head into the kitchen.

She pulls the lids off the tea, handing me one. Then she pulls scones out of the bag. We both eat quietly, alternately sipping at the hot tea.

"I'm really sorry our weekend away got ruined," I tell her.

"How did it go with Maeve?" she asks.

I reach for another scone. "She's messed up, Renner. I won't tell you all the details and please don't share this with anyone... not even Cady--"

"I won't," she jumps in to assure me.

"It seems she's had a pretty traumatic past. It involves some sexual abuse by her alcoholic father and a mother who apparently didn't give a damn. She told me it went on right up until the time she moved out and she's apparently not talke

d to them ever again."

Renner's face swims in sympathy. "How is she?"

"I'm not sure. She seemed fine this morning. Cheerful even. Maybe she just needed to unburden."

Renner is silent as she nibbles on the edge of her first scone. I can't tell if she's mad or not. I press forward, trying to figure out her thoughts. "She even mentioned you. Said she didn't think you were the girl for me."

A look of worry passes over her face. "Is that all she said about me?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"No reason. Just curious is all." Her voice is soft, unassuming.

"Last night was so frustrating. I want to help her, I really do. I just don't know how to do it. I got really pissed at her last night when she brought you up, but then I feel so damn bad for her at the same time."

Renner doesn't react to that. She puts her scone down and takes a small sip of tea. "Cillian... is there any chance she could just be playing you?"

It doesn't escape my notice that her face gets red when she asks that question, a sure sign that just the thought embarrasses her.

Brushing the crumbs off my hands, I lean back in my chair. "I don't know. Maybe. But how would I know? How could I ever be sure? And she's clearly troubled."

"I guess you can't know," she says with a relenting sigh. "I guess you have to give her the benefit of the doubt."

Standing from the table, I gather the empty pastry bag and throw it in the garbage. With my back still to Renner, I say, "You know, I chose to ignore the problem with my Da. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I wonder what might be if I had just paid attention a little better."

I can hear Renner push her chair back and then her arms are wrapped around my middle, the front of her pressed into my back. She lays her cheek in between my shoulder blades. "Don't do that to yourself, Cillian. You couldn't have prevented what your dad did. Just like you can't control what Maeve does. You can only support her."

"Maybe," I say noncommittally.

"Truly," she insists.