Off Course (Off 4)

He glanced at his watch. "I expect she's in New Jersey about now."

I felt like I'd been hit with a frying pan. "What?"

"You heard me. She's gone back to the States. And if you didn't have such a kicked-puppy look about you right now, I'd box your ears for hurting her."

I sank back onto a bar stool and just stared blankly at the bar.

She left? Without telling me? Without giving us a chance? I couldn't fathom it.

"I don't understand," I said lamely.

"Neither do I, Cillian. She didn't tell me anything. But Cady saw her before she left, and based on the number of curses I heard come out of her mouth in relation to your name, I'm sure she knows the whole sordid story." He polished a glass and then set it down. "It's probably best I don't know, because I'd hate to think it would come between us."

His words were hard and as I looked into his eyes, guilt flooded my entire system. "I didn't mean to. It wasn't my intention."

"Yet you did it all the same." His words were soft but they felt like acid poured onto my skin.

I didn't even look back his way as I walked out of The Hibernian.

I bang on Cady's door again. I know she's on the other side, staring at me through the peephole. "Come on, Cady. Open up. I'm not leaving until you talk to me."

"Go away, you ass."

I bang even louder. "Better call the Garda to arrest me then, because I'm not leaving," I tell her, pounding the wood with every word.

The door flies open and I almost pound Cady on the face but I'm able to draw my hand back just in time. She's glaring at me.

"What do you want?" she asks.

I push my way past her and spin around as she closes the door behind me. "You know what I want. Where is she and when did she leave?"

"What do you care?" she asks blasely. "You made your choice, live with it."

I wince, because that's exactly what I did. I turned my back on Renner in a fit of anger and guilt. "Because I love her, damn it, so get over your pique and help me out here."

"Oh, fine words coming from a man that turned his back on the so-called woman he loves... for another fucking woman."

"It wasn't like that," I grit out. "You weren't there."

"I didn't need to be there, you prick. I saw the damage you left behind."

Ouch, that fucking stings, knowing that I hurt Renner that badly. Taking a deep breath, I tell her, "I want to fix this, Cady. Please help me."

"I don't think it can be fixed, Cillian. You chose poorly. It's done."

"No!" I say adamantly, refusing to believe that all is lost. "There has to be some common ground. Ultimatums should not have been given. She backed me into a corner and I reacted in anger, but there has to be a way we can make this work."

"Let me ask you this. Where's Maeve right now?"

"She's at my apartment. Why?"

"Gah, you're daft. How in the fuck do you think it can work with Renner when you're harboring a known psychopath--who walks around half-naked from what I understand--in your home?"

"Cady," I admonish. "That's harsh. I know you're sticking up for your cousin, but have a care. Maeve has serious problems I'm trying to help her with."

Cady then surprises me when she starts laughing. She can't stop herself and actually bends over, holding her stomach while she just laughs, and laughs, and laughs. I want to strangle her.

"What the fuck, Cady? None of this is funny. It's serious."

"Oh, you're funny, all right," she says, still chuckling. "You're also a moron that you can't even see that you're being played."

I throw my hands up in the air. "Why is everyone saying that? Renner told me the same thing. What the fuck am I missing?"

"What you're missing is that Maeve is playing a sick game to try to get you back. And you're so stuck in your own guilt and misery, you don't even see it."

"No way," I say. "Not possible."

"Not only possible, not only probable... definitely. She's playing you."

Massaging my temples, I walk to Cady's couch and sit down. She follows me and sits on a chair opposite. I take a deep breath and try to sound calm. "Okay, how about you tell me your side. Tell me why you think I'm being played."

"Did you know that Maeve lied to you about her parents?"

"What?"

She nods. "She never knew her father and her mother died when she was little. She was raised by a kindly aunt in Galway. That freak you had take Renner home--which by the way was a complete asshole move on your part to do that to her--told her all the details about Maeve's life."

My mouth drops open and I shake my head, needing to disbelieve.

"No," I whisper.

Deny, deny, deny is what my conscience is telling me.

"Yes, Cillian." Her voice is a bit softer. "And I know you didn't know this, but Maeve confronted Renner the night you played at The Hibernian. She told her that she intended to get you back and that she would play dirty to do it."

Oh, God, I groan inwardly, leaning my head back on her couch.

"Please tell me you're joking," I implore.

My insides are swimming with nausea, when I think of all those times that I thought I was helping Maeve. But the truth is, she was helping herself... to me. To my attention. To my kindness. My sympathy.

She took everything I had to offer her, and she used it. And every time I gave something to her, it meant I was taking something away from Renner. Because every time I gave to Maeve, I took the time from Renner.

Lifting my head, I look to Cady. "Why didn't she tell me? It would have made a difference the other day!"

Cady shakes her head sadly at me. "She shouldn't have had to lay that before you to get you to m

ake the right choice. You should have chosen her no matter what."

I don't want to hear that because I think the guilt will destroy me. I try to argue against it. "But I thought I was helping Maeve. I thought I could get her through this."

"No, Cillian... I hate to say it, but you were also just helping yourself. You were using that situation to make up for whatever guilt you're carrying around over your parents. Now, I don't know the details, because you've never shared them with me... but I don't have to be fucking Freud to see that."

She's right... I'm sure of it. But I'm not ready to admit defeat yet. Because that defeat will have me swimming in a sea of pity and guilt that will swallow me whole. "But I couldn't turn my back on her." It's lame and I know it.

"No, you didn't have to turn your back on her. But maybe the way you should have handled it was by insisting that she go to rehab."

"But I did--"

"No! You didn't. You let her walk out of there and didn't provide one consequence to her for her rash actions. Sometimes you have to play the tough love card. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you should have set a boundary with her and if she crossed it, you should have cut her out."

It's harsh, what she's saying, but I know it's true. I should have done every fucking thing Cady just said, but I was too caught up in some hero-complex to even notice the obvious answer staring me in the face.

"When did she leave?" My voice is defeated and my energy is sapped.

"The morning after you made your choice. I went and helped her get packed that day. She sobbed her eyes out the entire time."

Funny... I feel like sobbing my eyes out right now, I feel so helpless.

"Where is she?"

"Back home... in New Jersey."

I stand up from the couch and make my way to the door. I feel like I'm in a daze. When I reach for the doorknob, Cady says, "Are you going to be okay?"

The sympathy in her voice threatens to tear me apart and it's a vicious reminder that my life is suddenly very empty. But I'm not one to roll over. I don't accept mediocrity and I always go after what I want. I feel my spine stiffen with strength and a desire to get what's mine.

"I will be once I get Renner back." I stalk out the door, intent on putting into motion all the things that need to be done so I can be with my beautiful girl again.