Confessions of a Litigation God

So then I had to ask myself… am I willing to risk getting hurt again for the chance to be with Mac? That wasn’t so simple, and I warred with myself all night. I don’t think the Macallan made things any clearer necessarily, but it did make me loose enough to let go of some of my preconceived notions and prejudices.

It made me consider the possibility of something more.

By the time I had passed out on my bathroom floor, because let’s face it, cool bathroom tile feels great against your face when you’ve got the spins, I decided to go for it with Mac.

Apparently, that wasn’t just drunk Matt’s psyche working, because when I woke up, I felt almost giddy with hope that today, things in my life were about to possibly get better.

So I stand, outside of Mac’s apartment, and hope my life is about to actually get better.

I knock on her door and then shove my hands in my jeans pockets, staring at the floor. I know I probably look like shit. After I showered, I hadn’t bothered to brush my hair… just sort of combed my fingers through it. I know my eyes are bloodshot and I threw on an old, navy blue T-shirt and a pair of ratty jeans. Of course, you can’t have on ratty jeans and not wear Chuck-Ts so I threw a pair of those on as well.

The door opens and I raise my head, my eyes locking with hers.

So f**king beautiful.

Hair pulled up in a ponytail, no makeup on her face, wearing a t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants, her feet bare. Yes, I’d take her like that every f**king day.

Best of all, she had a dab of chocolate on her chin and the scent of chocolate chip cookies assaults me.

“You have chocolate on your chin,” I murmur, stepping forward. She doesn’t back away, so I reach a hand up and collect the chocolate on my thumb. Then I put it in my mouth and suck it clean, feeling immense satisfaction when Mac’s eyes go dark and her breath rushes out over her lips.

“Can I come in?” I ask, even though, technically, I had walked over her threshold. I guess the more appropriate question would have been, “Will you please not kick me out?”

She doesn’t respond but just gives me a nod and turns away, heading into the kitchen. I follow her in, and whereas normally my eyes would be trained on her fantastic ass, I take note of how stiff her shoulders are and how high she’s holding her head.

In the kitchen, there are a variety of baking ingredients laying on the counter, flour is dusted everywhere and she has a sheet of cookies on top of the stove. One cookie looks pathetically broken and lonely on the floor.

“Is Macy here?”

“No. She’s at the gym,” she says as she bends over to pick the cookie up. She throws it in the trashcan, never once looking at me, and then starts to remove the rest of the cookies from the sheet, placing them carefully on a plate.

When she’s done, she turns to me and crosses her arms over her chest in a defensive posture. She runs her eyes up and down my body, but there’s nothing sexual about it all. “You look like hell, Matt. Did you go on a bender or something?”

I grimace over how lame that makes me. “Actually… I did. I never drink like that, but I pretty much stayed drunk Friday and Saturday. ”

“Did it help?”

“No. It didn’t help at all. ”

Mac’s eyes fill with pain, and I don’t know if it’s for me or for the hurt I’ve caused her. She won’t look me in the eye though and turns her gaze to the plate of cookies.

“I can’t get you out of my mind,” I tell her quietly.

Her eyes snap to mine, and now they are filled with sympathy… for me. “I’m sorry,” she says apologetically.

What the f**k?

“Sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the ass**le. I have so much to apologize for that I don’t even know where to begin. ”

And because Mac is probably the kindest, most empathetic person I know, she still tries to make me feel good, even though I know she’s hurting.

“Matt,” she says softly. “It’s okay. I understand what was driving you. ”

Stop it! She just needs to stop worrying about me and let me get through this. I walk toward her, eating up the distance and itching to touch. Her arms fall away from her chest and she watches me warily.

Tenderly… slowly… with purpose, I raise my hands and lay my palms on her cheeks, framing her face and holding her still.

Making her look at me, refusing to let her look away.

“No, it’s not okay, Mac. I have to make up for this, and I’m hoping that I haven’t messed things up so badly that you won’t let me start over by taking you out on a date. I want to give you what you want. At least, I want to try to give it to you… if you’ll let me. ”

Fuck, that felt so good to get that out. To let out the words I think deep, deep down… way deep down… I really wanted to say to her for a long time… giving her something that she’s wanted.

Mac’s eyes go wide with wonder, maybe a little confusion. “A date?”

I smile at her, nodding my head, and wait to hear her answer. The suspense is killing me.

“What made you change your mind?” she inquires.

“I finally started realizing that the pain of loneliness is much worse than the pain of betrayal and heartbreak that I was trying to avoid. ”

Mac’s mouth opens slightly, and she sighs in relief. “I’d love to go on a date with you. ”

I give a sigh of relief too, because I’ve made it past the first major hurdle. “I’m probably going to be really bad at this dating thing… I hope you have patience with me. ”