Confessions of a Litigation God

“Sure I do. ”

“No, Matt… you don’t,” she says with just a tinge of anger in her voice. “You even told me once that you couldn’t stand being around a bunch of drunk guys acting like morons. ”

Fuck… she knows me too well.

Giving her my best henpecked look, I grumble, “Look, Mac… if you don’t want me to go, I won’t. ”

She takes a deep breath in and lets it out in resignation. “It’s not that I don’t want you to go. I do want you to go out and have fun. It’s just… I haven’t seen you in a while, and I miss you is all. ”

Smiling at her, I say, “I know,” and then I hastily look away because that painful look is back on her face. I’m killing her by not telling her how much I miss her too. It’s killing me to know that I’m hurting her, yet I push forward, because my conscience is telling me that this is the best thing for me.

To go back to those simpler times.

I lean over and pick up my briefcase, intent on going out with Rob and “the boys” for one drink, then my ass is going home where I can sulk.

Just as I reach out to open my door, Mac says, “Are you doing this to punish me for not ha**ng s*x with you today in your office?”

I don’t have to fake the startled look on my face because I would never punish Mac for not ha**ng s*x with me.

Eve

r.

“Absolutely not,” I tell her with conviction.

“You’re sure?” she asks as she takes a step toward me. “Because you looked a little peeved at me when I said no. ”

Reaching out, I pick up a lock of her hair from her shoulder and rub it between my fingers. I memorize the color, the silky feel… I inhale and memorize the scent. Sadness overwhelms me because I’m really not sure what in the f**k I’m doing, but this may be the last time I’m able to touch her. I guess my hope of hopes is that Mac will sort of work with me on this, ease with me back into more of our original roles of more of a sex-only relationship. While deep down, I tell myself Mac doesn’t have it in her to go backward, it doesn’t stop me from hoping.

Not going to stop me from trying.

Dropping her hair, I look up into her eyes. “Don’t fool yourself, Mac. If I really wanted to, I could have gotten you to change your mind today. So you see… there’s nothing to be mad about. ”

Mac’s eyes get shiny with tears but she hastily blinks them away, giving me a small nod of acquiescence. However, I don’t miss that there is a little bit of resignation in her look as she comes to the realization that yes, things have changed between us.

Most of all though, I see a woman who told me she loved me, and is probably realizing at this moment that I don’t have the capacity to return it. It’s f**king tearing me up to see that look on her face, and I blurt out in desperation to try and ease her pain. “I promise… tomorrow you and I will do something special, okay?”

She blinks hard again and gives me a nod. I don’t think she trusts herself to speak.

I can’t bear to look at her sorrow a minute more, so I lean over and give her a quick kiss, then practically run away from Mac and all the terrible emotions swimming through me right now.

Chapter 32

A knock on my office door has my head snapping up. I see Rob standing there, waiting for an invitation. I don’t feel like talking to him… anyone for that matter, but I wave him on in.

“What’s up?” I ask as he walks up to my desk and takes a seat opposite of me.

“Just seeing how you’re feeling today?” he says with a shit-eating grin on his face. He was one of my “drinking buddies” last night.

“I’m feeling fine. ”

And I am. I only stayed for a few hours, making it back to my apartment by eleven PM and sporting a good buzz. But it was nothing chugging a few glasses of water before I went to sleep didn’t take care of. I woke up this morning without a hangover but almost wishing I did.

Because I’m feeling all kinds of shitty about the way things went down with Mac last night.

“I’m about ready to puke,” Rob says with a laugh. “We didn’t leave until the bartender kicked us out at closing time. Man… fucking Kylie can put some alcohol away, right?”

I give a half laugh, half nod of my head, because yeah… she was slamming her drinks last night. I was not happy to see her when she walked in though, Rob leaning over toward me saying, “Hope you don’t mind. I invited Kylie. ”

Fuck yeah, I minded.

I minded because I told Mac this was a guy’s night out and while I might be lying through my f**king teeth when it comes to my own feelings, at least when I told her it was a guy’s night out that was the truth. On top of that, now I was going to have to spend my evening dodging Kylie’s advances when what I really wanted to do was mope and drink scotch.

“Man… she was dancing on top of the tables after you left,” Rob says, and I shake my head because I had tuned him out. I don’t want to hear this shit, mainly because I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about him or Kylie.