Confessions of a Litigation God

Those last words strike at me like a viper, because now she’s brought Gabe into it. I can fume all day long about the injustices that Marissa and Cal committed to me, and I can do whatever is necessary to ensure I don’t get hurt like that again, but I can’t take any action without considering how it is affecting Gabe.

And now, I have to truly wonder… have I inadvertently taught Gabe something wrong by my actions? I’m very careful not to bash Marissa or let Gabe know we have our differences. I mean, he’s a smart kid and he’s savvy, so I know he picks up on some stuff, but I absolutely refuse to fight with her in front of him. I’ve been protecting Gabe in that way.

But what about the things he doesn’t see? Is it harmful that he sees a father that is emotionally closed off from women? What am I teaching him by not having a stable relationship with someone? How will he even know what love looks like if I don’t show him?

My office door opens and closes, and I know Mac is gone. I stumble back from the window and fall into my chair, my heart sick that maybe I’ve f**ked up a lot more than just my own sex life, all because I was trying to protect myself.

I sit there for a long time, staring out the window and thinking about Mac… about Gabe… about Cal and Marissa. I turn my attention to many of the things that I’ve been refusing to give a moment’s attention to because it was just too hard.

Because I was too afraid of getting hurt.

A lot of good the avoidance has done for me. Because I f**king hurt pretty bad right now.

Chapter 33

This week could not get any worse. It started off with Mac walking out of my office… out of my life, and it went downhill from there.

Every night, I went home and drank myself to sleep. Every morning, I’d come into the office, growling at anyone that dared to even look at me, and would slam my office door with enough force and noise that no one would bother me. I had two motions hearings, one of which I lost, and then I lost my temper with the judge who, as a result, threatened to put me in jail. I just sneered at him and waited for him to do his worst. He denied my motion and then promptly dismissed me.

That little loss resulted in me yelling at one of the paralegals as she loitered in the lobby as I was walking back into the office from court. She was leaning across the reception desk, chatting with Bea.

“If you don’t have anything better to do than sit around and gossip all day, I’m sure I can find someone else to do your job,” I had snarled at the girls.

They both jumped as if struck by a lightening bolt, with them both stuttering out apologies and then scrambling back to work.

Mid-week, Kylie went ahead and made her move on me, and it wasn’t subtle. We were in her office, sitting side by side at her small worktable, going over exhibits. She f**king reached her hand out and put it between my legs, cupping my dick, which embarrassingly for her, stayed soft. Not embarrassingly to me, because I couldn’t give a f**k. If I can’t get it up for Mac, I really don’t feel like getting it up for anyone at this point.

I stayed soft, even after she tried to stroke me to life.

It was comical actually… watching her as she stuck her tongue out of the side of her mouth in concentration, trying to figure out why I wasn’t getting hard. When she finally stopped her rubbing, she looked up at me and blanched when she saw the anger on my face.

“I’m so sorry,” she blurted out as she jerked her hand away. “I thought… I just… I figured if I…”

“I don’t think I need to tell you how inappropriate that was,” I said quietly, my voice rippling with menace.

“No, of course not. I guess I got some mixed signals—”

“There were no f**king mixed signals, Kylie. ”

Her face went beet red, and she started stammering more apologies. I was so pissed, mainly because after having her cup my package, it made me realize how much I missed Mac’s hands between my legs and that amped up my overall crappy attitude even further.

I simply got up and stormed out of her office, and I haven’t seen or talked to her since. I should probably fire her, but I can’t seem to get up the energy to have to face her at this point. Maybe I’ll just have Bill handle it.

This morning, I took a decisive step in trying to set my life back in order again. I f**ked things up with Mac for good, which is not surprising, seeing as how my head is still all sorts of f**ked up where she’s concerned. I’m thinking I’ve made a monumental mistake where she’s concerned, but I’m not sure how to fix it.

If I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure I want to fix it. Right now, misery seems to be the best company for me. It’s certainly no more than I deserve.

So my decisive step was in the form of an email to Mac. So far, we have successfully avoided each other this week, but that’s only because both of us have been trying really hard to stay out of each other’s way. We can’t keep taking alternate routes to the break room and doing all communication through email. That’s no type of working relationship, so I decided to remove that problem.

My email to Mac this morning was simple.

Mac,

In an effort to help with the burgeoning increase in complex business cases, you are being transferred into that division under the general supervision of Bill Crown. Obviously, you will still work on the Jackson case since the clients are attached to you, but John Casting will act as your co-counsel and immediate supervisor. You can direct any and all questions to him. Finally, with the addition of Kylie Wynn to the Pearson appeal, I will not need your help on that case further.

I wish you the best of luck with these new endeavors, and I’m sure you’ll be a successful member of the complex business litigation team.

Sincerely,

Matthew Connover

That should help both of us move forward. I was sure it was the best thing for both of us. In fact, I had even talked myself into believing that this is really what Mac would want, and she’d be grateful for the reprieve.

I swear… there was absolutely no part of me that was secretly hoping she’d barge into my office after reading it and demand for me to take it back. Then she’d demand for me to kiss her… then maybe f**k her, and all would be right with us again.

Nope. No part of me that was hoping for that.