He didn’t wait for her to respond. “There is more. Far more. Just let me get it out before you say anything, or I won’t be able to. In that world, if you loved anyone, Sorbacov had the perfect hostage to hold over your head. You had to endure every kind of brutality or the one you loved was raped, beaten and tortured in front of you. My brother, Demyan, was taken with Steele to entertain some of Sorbacov’s ‘special’ friends while I was held there with Sorbacov and some others. Sorbacov wanted his ‘special’ friends compromised, so he gave them the word that they could do whatever they wanted. He was videotaping everything. He told Demyan that as long as he cooperated, I wouldn’t be hurt. He lied, of course.”
Scarlet sat up straight. He saw her swallow. She shook her head, but her gaze didn’t waver from his.
“I had a deal with Demyan. I had practiced holding a bridge with him—a connection between us over a distance. We were both very strong. He was older and much stronger than I was, so he usually could hold longer, but I was growing in strength. That way, we knew what was happening, even if it was ugly and brutal. At least we knew the other was alive. They didn’t take him very far, just to another building a distance away on the same property, which was often the case. Sorbacov didn’t want to take the chance that any of his more disturbing proclivities could leak out into the world. Suffice it to say, it got very ugly for Steele and Demyan. I was being used pretty brutally, but nothing like the two of them.”
He paused, unable to breathe for a moment. His hands shook and he had to place the water bottle carefully on the table. Scarlet was very observant. She noticed, but she didn’t interrupt him.
“There were whips, chains, branding irons. They carved their initials into their bodies and wrapped barbed wire around them. The worst was, they separated them. They weren’t supposed to do that. No matter what was being done to me, I kept that path to Demyan. We’d been taught such control; I was able to separate myself from what was happening to me. Then, all of sudden, I don’t know what happened, one of the men beating me hit me so hard I think I blacked out for a second and couldn’t hold the bridge. It was gone and I couldn’t get it back.”
There was no holding back the despair. He wiped at his face, shocked at the feeling of the wetness on the end of his lashes and the bristles along his jaw. He forced himself to continue doggedly on. “Steele believes it was his fault that Demyan died. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth. I let my brother down that day, not Steele. It was my responsibility to keep him alive. We had a pact. I didn’t hold him to me. I didn’t keep him safe. All these years, Steele has believed he was at fault and I let him. I tried to tell him, but the words just wouldn’t come. I can’t man up enough to tell him because I’m so fuckin’ pissed at him. At him. At Savage. At Demyan. At Alena for forcing me to stay alive and eat when I wanted to die.” He shoved both hands through his hair. “Hell. Maybe at all of them. I just can’t let it go.”
He caught up the water bottle and took a healthy drink of the icy water because his throat was burning raw. He could barely breathe, his lungs squeezing down, refusing to work properly. His brothers were royally fucked up. Sisters too. His fault. Demyan dead. His fault. And the biggest crime of all.
“All those innocents, Scarlet. Those girls the true monsters collected. Their prizes I trained for them to put on display. I helped them. I even helped train the masters.” He capped the bottle again, frowning, rubbing the ice-cold glass back and forth over his forehead. “It doesn’t matter that I want my motivations to be altruistic. They weren’t. I needed something. One decent thing for myself. I was going fucking crazy. I had everyone’s demons in my head. Not just the others, the children’s, but the instructors. Sometimes I thought I was going insane. I needed that little kitten to cuddle and take care of. To totally concentrate on. I saw to her happiness. I could make her purr all the time. I needed her to keep me sane.”
His head hurt so fucking bad he was afraid it would explode. “The kittens were content when they sucked their master’s cock. To them it was like getting a reward, cream from their master, their favorite treat. It calmed them. It felt good. I wasn’t getting beaten or raped. I was her master and she was always happy and content. As long as the masters of the kittens and pony girls were happy, I could have my kitten. I made certain the girls were very well trained and did whatever was required of them and were happy to do so. I did what Savage did. He trained the girls and boys to like pain. I trained them to be pets.”