If he expected her to protest, she didn’t.
“I can’t sleep at night. I can’t get the smell out of my head. Or the sight. I have everyone’s demons running around in my head all the time and I have enough of my own demons to carry. I don’t have natural erections. None of us do. We have to order our cocks to cooperate if we want relief. Our lives aren’t normal. We’re never going to be like other people. We’re predators and we always will be no matter how hard we try to fit in. We watch each other’s backs at all times to keep one another safe. That includes when we have sex. We don’t think too much about it. It’s just normal for us.”
He shoved his hands through his hair again. “I’ve been a fucked-up mess all my life, Scarlet, far worse than anything you’ve ever imagined you’ve been. Anything you’ve ever thought you’ve done, you’re a saint in comparison. When I told you I walked into that library and fell like a ton of bricks, I wasn’t lying to you. Everything you are appealed to me. You took my breath away. More, you stilled every one of my demons. Little by little, when I was around you, you took that chaos in my mind and brought me peace. I sat at that table surrounded by books, and my cock was so hard just looking at you that half the time I was afraid I would shatter if I moved.”
He sat back in the chair and looked at her. Took her in. Devoured her. It was probably going to be the last time he really got a good look at her. He could hear the ocean crashing against the rocks outside the house in the distance. His heart and soul felt battered like those rocks.
“I knew if I asked you to share my life, what I’d be asking of you. You are such an innocent in comparison to all of us. Don’t get me wrong, you would be an asset to the club, you’re a badass and we could count on you and build on your training. But for me, you’re just a plain fucking miracle. Moya literaturnaya ledi, and you always will be. You’re perfect. The sun rises and sets with you.”
Absinthe watched her lips part. He reached casually across the table and very loosely circled her wrist with his fingers, forming a bracelet, his fingers over her pulse. She wasn’t letting him into her mind, giving him back their connection, so he wanted to know every word she said was the absolute truth.
“Why do you believe you are so responsible for everything the others have become?”
“Weren’t you listening to me?” He dropped his voice low so he wouldn’t make the mistake of reacting negatively.
“I listened to every word. You were a child when you were taken to that place. It sounds as if most of the others were toddlers or barely above that age group as well. All of you were being abused in every way possible and just trying to stay alive. You used every means possible to keep each other alive. Those are survival instincts, right? That includes fighting back if we’re fighters as well as honing psychic gifts if we have them. Am I not correct, Absinthe?”
Her voice was sweet, like a fresh breeze blowing through his mind. He’d felt that before from her. Clearing out the demons, sending them scurrying before her as if just by that simple innocent tone, so logical and sweet, the demonic images ripping him apart were dispersed. His woman carried a gun and hunted dangerous men, just as Torpedo Ink did. They were from the fires of hell. Could she be sent from heaven? An angel? Was there even such a thing? He didn’t know. He’d never allowed his mind to go in that direction.
“Absinthe?” Her voice had gone gentler than ever. “Am I not correct in saying you were all just using survival instincts? We’re born with those, right? You’re an intelligent man. You must have read all the studies, the same as I did.”
He had. Of course he had. He rubbed the pads of his fingers over her pulse. That heartbeat that connected the two of them.
“Yes, literaturnaya ledi, I read them. You are correct. We ran on our instincts. But later …”
“As teens? Trying to survive impossible circumstances? You said worse and they sounded worse. Sorbacov brought in brutal men and women. You and your brother did what each of the others did. You banded together in order to find a way to survive, your instincts kicked in. You were older, so they were more sophisticated and more developed. None of you knew if you would live. You got by minute by minute, hour by hour. Isn’t that true?”