The Lonely (The Lonely 1)

She looks at me, "What?" She knows what.

I smirk, "Just call him. He's the best guy in the whole world. Trust me. I'm not a trusting person. I trust him."

She raises an eyebrow, "You are the worst judge of character ever."

"True. I'm friends with you."

She laughs and nudges me, "Let's just get this embarrassment over with.

The bus ride is loud and gross. My OCD is not gone. Clearly. I'm thinking about just throwing out my pants when we get off, and hate the feel of my hand on the rail in front of me.

"We need a car dude." I sigh.

She nods, "Yeah. This is gross."

My eyes are fixed. I can't look around me at the people on the bus. I'll never eat again. Someone coughs and clears their throat. My eyes widen.

"I see you." Shell whispers into me. I shake my head, "No you don’t."

"It's okay. Just do it. I want some too."

The hand sani is out of my pocket and dumping the cool liquid on both of us before I've taken a breath. The smell of the cinnamon and gingerbread man is soothing. I slosh it around on my hands. I take deep breaths and just feel the tingly sensation. It calms me.

I'm losing it. Shell leans in again.

"Wanna hear about the first time I ever got spanked." She whispers, almost silently. The shock of her sentence stops my panic attack.

"Remember two years ago when I went on the senior class trip with Angela and Jessica and Brianna?"

I nod keeping my eyes shut.

"Well, we spent all our money on clothes and shit. It was our last night in Austria. We wanted to get drunk but we had no cash. So we decided to look for a mark. Someone who would buy us drinks all night long. We were sitting in this bar downtown, about a block from out hotel. We couldn’t decide on who to use. The guys in the bar were young and hot but they all had pretty girls or just didn’t look interested. Then in walks this guy. He was in a pilot's uniform and looked like fucking James Bond. He was so beautiful and sexy and confident. He strolls up to the bar and orders a drink. I point and say 'him'."

I smile. I can see it so clearly.

"So the girls are like 'no way, he's too posh and shit.' But you know me. So I walk up, right next to him and climb on a stool. I get on my knees and lean across the bar. I almost stick my ass right in his face. The bartender comes over and I say, 'you got any Rolling Stones?' The bartender looks confused and turns and changes the music. I totally pick the Stones 'cause they're sexy and older, like Bond. I figure he's like thirty-five or forty. Anyway, Paint It Black starts playing. I slink off the barstool and go sit down. Brianna smirks and swears there is no way he's coming over. But I am the master. He strolls over with a tray of shots and we get trashed with him."

I laugh. "You are Ballsey."

"I am ballsey. So the night progressed. We got so drunk and had a ton of fun and did a ton of dancing. Pretty soon everyone wanted in on the action. But I was having fun with Mr. Bond. He and I snuck off to his hotel room. We made out in the elevator, he ripped my skirt."

I'm starting to feel the scene with her. Her breathing picks up slightly as she tells it.

"So we got in the room. He undressed and damn. Hot. OMG hot. We were getting it on hard and then suddenly he pushed me down on the bed and I felt this hard slap on my ass. Not what I was expecting. At all. Needless to say it went well. I almost died of humiliation and the bizarre love I had for that moment. Anyway, I left and that’s the first time I ever got spanked."

I smirk, "Did you tell the girls?"

"Yeah, I did. What I never told them was that after we finished, he put a ring on his wedding finger. My stomach almost dropped dude. I was so upset. I literally like almost cried. I said 'you're married' and he says 'yeah, of course I am. I have kids older than you. I'm fifty-six-years old'."

I open my eyes and shoot a look at her, "What?"

Her face is beet red and pained, "Yeah. Fifty-six. I've had sex, and I mean nasty spank-my-nipples dirty sex, with an old man. A man who was ten years older than my dad. It was humiliating and I have never told a single person that story. No one ever knew. I let him use me and you know what, it's still the best sex I have ever had." She sighs, "Senior citizen sex. So humiliating."

I lean in and hug her and kiss her cheek, "Thank you."

She shrugs, "You're my bitch. I would take a bullet for you. I just want you to know that I get it. I know what it feels like to be crushed and upset when someone gets something from you. Something that you didn’t want to give, even though they made you like it."

I see her in a new light. But we don’t get to talk about it because the bus stops and we're outside the gym. We climb off in silence.

"You don’t think less of me now do you?" She asks as we trudge through the snow to the front entrance. I glance at her, "No. More."

She grins, "Ditto. I never imagined you had the balls to do half the shit you've done."

I laugh. We walk in and I start to feel my nerves getting the best of me. I think about her walking out of the hotel. I imagine she made the same face I did leaving his apartment. I see how strong she is and how much I admire and want to be her and suddenly, it's there. I am like her. I am strong like her. He can't break me. I see the point he was trying to make. His one act won't ruin all the strength I have inside of me.

We walk down the hall and I feel like I'm in one of those movies where the underdogs come and kick ass.

I wish that I could say that was how it happened.

We walk out into the gym, smiling at Lance.

"He looks like Santa, but like boxing Santa." Shell whispers. I laugh and nod, "Twinkle eyes."

The boys are there. Brandon eyeballs me. I nod at him.

"Ready for warm up ladies?" Lance asks, in a voice filled with joy.

I point, "This is Michelle."

Lance nods, "Mickey and Tink. I like it."

Michelle looks lost, "What just happened?" I shake my head at her. It's impossible to explain any of them.

Lance shouts, "Three laps slackers, let's go."

We start to run. I leave Michelle in the dust. My legs can't help but beat the little turds in the running. They'll be kicking my ass in rings in an hour anyway. I lap her and few of the other boys.

I run harder, letting my legs open up and push it.

The air is blowing by me. I finish the lap and bend over to suck wind for a second.

"Someone hasn’t been running much, hey Tink." My ass gets a hard slap. I grin and stand up to face the beast.

"Angelo, you wanna race?"

His face splits into the cockiest smile ever, "Only if you let me slap you around afterward."

I take a step into his face, "Done."

He lifts an eyebrow, "Ready?"

I nod. We line up. He smells good. He says go. I take off like a rocket. My legs are warm from the three laps. He's grunting behind me but I push it harder and pull away.

"GO TINK!" Lance screams as I pass the first lap. I run my ass off and finish before he's even half way on his last lap.

He comes in winded and wheezing, "God damned, you are fast."

I nod, sucking wind hard. My throat hates me.

"I'm gonna make you pay, Tinkerbell."

I laugh, "We fight when I say."

He stops, red faced and scowls, "What? No way."

I pace and nod again, "Yeah. You just said after. You never specified. I want to chose when we fight."

He laughs and shakes his crimson face, "Cheater cheater!"

I laugh, bending forward to catch my breath. I stand up straight and start my high knees. I need to stretch my legs out.

"Seriously?" He sounds a little annoyed.

"Yup."

He sighs and walks away, "Fine. But your ass is grass."

I laugh and look at Michelle. She makes a face and nods at his back, as he's walking away from us, "Wow. Angelo?"

"Yup."

She grins and shouts after him, "Hey, Angelo."

He turns back around and smirks at her, "Yeah."

"Can my ass be grass too?"

He laughs and gives her a thumbs up, "Done!"

She runs after him. She flirts and twirls her hair and lifts her leg in the air behind her, playfully.

My breath is just starting to come around when Lance yells at me, "Tink, get your ass over here and tape up."

I leave Shell in terrible hands and turn for the ring and the ever-impatient Lance.

When I turn around he's there. I stop breathing for a second. My stomach aches and gags a little. He's sweaty and wearing his white t-shirt. I can see his tats through the wet shirt. He's got on thick jogging pants and a stare that could knock me over. My jaw clenches as I walk past him.

Lance points at Eli, "He's got the other tape." He turns and starts taping some of the boys.

I walk up and put my hands out. I look him in the eyes daringly.

"We need to talk." He says softly as he tapes up my hands.

"Talk."

He smirks, "You know what I mean."

"Talk. Brother." I repeat.

He tapes them roughly but maintains the right amount of pressure.

"I need to see you. I need to explain some things."

I laugh, but it's not mine. It belongs to this bitch, who sometimes likes to come out of my throat and say shit I'm not entirely sure I mean. "Screw you, Eli. I have nothing but that to say to you. I have no desire to see you. I came here because I seriously liked the idea of being able to fight. I like the idea that if some asshole tried to pin me, I might stand a chance at defending myself." My eyes bear down on him, "I won't ever be the victim again." It's a lie and false bravado and probably see-through but I don’t care. I brush past him, shouldering him roughly.

"He's not doing it right, Lance." I say and put my hands out. Lance looks at the tape job and then past me, "What the hell is this Adams? Jesus. My retriever does a better job than this." He tapes my hands up, cussing away.