It was all rather depressing to Merry, which was ironic when she considered that on her wedding night she hadn't been at all impressed with Edda's description of the bedding. At the time she had thought it would be a grand thing did he not bother her too often. Now she lay in that same bed and fretted because he was not bothering her with it. Life did seem to like to have its little jokes, she thought wearily, and started to sit up, only to drop back down and pull the linens a little closer as the bedchamber door opened.
She held her breath, but then expelled it when Alex entered. He wore clean clothes, and his hair was damp, as if he'd bathed recently. He was also leading a parade of servants who were carrying a tub and several pails of water, some steaming, some not. Merry lay still as her husband oversaw the operation. Alex did not even glance her way that she noticed, so she was somewhat surprised when the servants finished and he moved to close the door behind them as they left, saying, "Are you going to lie there until I come fetch you? Or will you get up to enjoy your bath?"
Merry hesitated, and then sat up, surprised to find that she still wore the clothes she'd donned the last day of the journey. She hadn't thought to look, but had just assumed she was naked, but now threw the linens aside and slid her slippered feet to the floor.
"I was too tired to undress either of us last night," Alex announced as he moved back to the tub and bent to test the temperature. Apparently satisfied, he began to pour perfumed oil into it.
"What time was it when we arrived?" Merry asked, moving around the end of the bed to join him.
"I am not sure," Alex admitted as he finished with his task and straightened. "Three in the morn, perhaps four."
"Oh." Merry's gaze fixed on the tub of steaming water. It did look inviting. She hadn't had a proper bath in days. By the time they had stopped at night, she'd been too tired to be bothered, and while she'd managed a quick wash here and there on one or two occasions in the morning, they'd been hurried and not very satisfactory. The idea of a proper soak and scrub now was an attractive one and made her smile gratefully at her husband.
"Thank you," she murmured, and then asked, "Did ye already have a bath yerself? I notice yer hair's wet."
Alex nodded as he set the oil aside and approached her. "I bathed in the kitchens to save the servants some work and keep from waking you."
Merry raised her eyebrows, thinking that must have given the kitchen staff a thrill, and then scowled as she recalled Una's ogling her naked husband after the fire, and imagined all the lovely little maids in the kitchen doing so.
"Behind a screen in the kitchens, so you can stop scowling," Alex added with amusement as he came to a halt before her. "Come, let us get you into your bath."
When he reached for her laces and began undoing them, she felt the blush of heat that rose up her cheeks and quickly brushed his hands away, muttering, "I can manage."
But Alex was not a bee to be brushed away. He ignored her fluttering hands and continued with his efforts, not only undoing the laces in a trice, but then removing her gown and setting to work on her chemise as well. Merry was a clumsy mess as she tried to help, her mind taken up with wondering where this might lead, and hoping...
However, the wondering and hope were all for naught. The moment he had her stripped naked, Alex picked her up like a child and set her in the tub. He then turned away and headed for the door, murmuring, "Take as long as you like. There is nothing of import we need do today."
Merry watched the door close behind her husband, disappointment claiming her. While she knew she needed a bath, she had hoped that he might aid her in the endeavor and then follow it up with some houghmagandy. But it seemed he had no interest in that with her now that he was no longer being drugged.
"'Tis enough to make me seek out what it was he was being dosed with and mix some up meself," she muttered to herself, but could not even manage a smile at her own joke. The situation was too dire and miserable in her mind for that. He had taught her the pleasure of the marital bed and now was not interested in enjoying it with her. 'Twas a sad state to her mind and made her feel ugly and lacking in whatever it was that attracted a man. It made her feel unworthy, she supposed, and that was a feeling she'd had often over the years.
While she knew her mother had loved her, Merry had done so much to aid and comfort the woman that she had always wondered if that love was for herself or for what she'd done. And then there were her father and brothers. While they were showing caring now, they had not always done so despite all she had done to keep things running smoothly at Stewart...and in her young mind, she'd always felt that if they'd loved her, they would have fought off the sick hold drink had on them and try to relieve some of her burden.
Now it appeared she was not satisfactory in her husband's eyes, either, without the tonic to make her so.
The salty taste of tears on her lips brought Merry to the realization that she was weeping, and she was suddenly furious with herself. Why should her husband want her when she was such a puling, pathetic creature that she wept for no reason?
Gritting her teeth, she raised her knees and slid her bottom forward so that she could dunk her head under the water and remove the evidence of her weakness. When she came back up a moment later, Merry immediately concentrated on washing herself, trying to distract herself from the ache in her chest. She had managed to do so and was composed and nearly finished with her bath when the bedchamber door opened and Alex reentered with a tray in hand. Merry glanced with disinterest at the food and drink on the tray and then again slid under the water, this time to rinse away the soap she'd just finished lathering in her hair.
When she reemerged, it was to find that Alex had deposited the tray on the fur before the fire and now stood beside the bath, holding open a clean, dry linen.
"Come, you can sit by the fire and eat while your hair dries," he said.
Merry hesitated at the thought of standing naked before him, but then reminded herself that he had seen every inch of her body ere this and forced herself to do so. Did he find her body so ugly and unattractive, hiding it was hardly going to make a difference. She stood grimly and was relieved when he merely wrapped the linen around her and lifted her out of the bath.
Alex set her on her feet on the floor and quickly dried her down with the linen in a perfunctory manner before wrapping it around her once again and urging her to the fireside.
Merry noted the two glasses and the pile of food and glanced around to ask if he planned to join her, but paused when she saw that he'd moved back to the door. She thought he was about to leave, but then he opened the door and several servants bustled in to use the pails to empty most of the water from the tub before carrying the tub and the pails away. The whole operation took no more than moments, and Merry had barely sat and was only just surveying what he'd brought for them to eat when Alex closed the door behind the last body and then crossed the room to join her.
"It looks lovely. Thank ye," Merry murmured, managing a smile as he joined her.
Alex nodded as he settled cross-legged opposite her on the fur, and then smiled wryly as he admitted, "'Tis probably too much, but I was hungry when I was choosing what to bring."
Merry smiled faintly at the confession, but had no idea what to say so simply ate and pondered how she could be so uncomfortable with him after everything they had been through. She was more uncomfortable right that moment than she had been the day she'd met him, or even on their wedding night. But at that time she had not cared for the man so much. Her own opinion of him had been so poor, she hadn't worried what he thought of her. Now, however, loving him as she did--
Merry sucked in a breath as the thought started to flit through her mind, and nearly choked on the grape she'd just popped into her mouth. Loving him as she did?
Aye, Merry admitted. She'd fallen in love with the blasted man. He was caring and considerate, intelligent and amusing, and all the things she could have wanted in a husband. Well, but for the fact that he did not want her, she thou
ght unhappily, and knew that this one thing was not just a wrinkle she could smooth away to enjoy happiness over the coming years. 'Twas a huge wolf in their bed that would rend her apart in time. 'Twould tear at her self-esteem and sense of worth, make her doubt that he cared for her at all, and leave her feeling alone and, once again, unworthy.
"Merry? What is it?" Alex asked suddenly, and the concern in his voice told her that her fears and unhappiness were showing.
"Nothing," she assured him, her voice husky with unshed tears. "I merely choked on a grape."
Merry then turned her face solemnly to the offering between them, but was aware that he was watching her, his eyes sharp and thoughtful.
She'd chosen an apple and was carefully paring the skin away with the knife that had been provided when he suddenly said, "Cullen said something to me as we were leaving Donnachaidh."
"Oh?" Merry asked, concentrating on the task at hand.
"He suggested I may want to reassure you that I was attracted to you and that it was not the dosing I was receiving that brought me to your bed."
The knife slipped, slicing into her thumb, and Merry gasped and popped it into her mouth as she stared wide-eyed at her husband.
"Let me see that," Alex said, sounding annoyed as he shifted around the food to her side. He pulled her thumb from her mouth and cursed at the wound she'd given herself and then applied pressure with his own thumb to stop the bleeding as he berated her. "You must be more careful, wife. Honestly, you are forever slicing yourself up and I will not lose you to some stupid infection or--"
Alex paused suddenly, his eyes meeting hers, and Merry stared back, surprised at the outburst over such a small thing. Suddenly, he closed his eyes and shook his head. "You do think that, don't you?"
Merry blinked in confusion, but after a moment realized that he had returned to the original topic and was asking if she did believe that his attraction to her had been only because of the tonic he'd been given. She was tempted to lie and deny it, but they were husband and wife, and had a whole life ahead to deal with each other. Lies did not seem a clever way to manage the situation. Swallowing the sudden knot of anxiety and shame in her throat, she murmured, "Well, ye've no' bedded me since the night we realized ye were bein' dosed and took precautions against it, and it has occurred to me that mayhap now that ye're no' being dosed ye've lost interest or--"