She rolled her eyes at me. “God, you are a drama queen. It was Giselle he was after, not you. You just got in the way, like always.”
I didn’t usually let her get to me, but that had hurt a little. I raised my eyebrows at her and started to walk away, but she grabbed my arm. “Ok, that was mean. Anyway, who is this hottie you were spotted with?”
I pulled my arm out of her grip. “Some guy I met at the library. He’s working here for a few weeks. We were talking books and art, you know—fellow nerd.”
She shook her head. “No, not him, the one you were at the café with. Everyone has been talking about him since yesterday. Who is that one?”
I sighed. “That’s him.”
She looked at her reflection again. “You know, I like these geeks you hang out with. How are the geeks all hot?”
I shook my head and walked out of the bathroom. She still hadn’t apologized for dating Blake, even when she had told me she wouldn’t. I had decided we didn’t need to be friends anymore.
I felt miserable and contemplated going back to the hospital. I decided they needed to check me out, in case things were not healing the way we had assumed they would.
I walked from class, hearing my phone going nuts again. I pulled it out and looked at the thirty-five messages I hadn’t read in the last few days. I looked at how many were from Blake; he was begging to talk to me. I bit the bullet and asked him to meet me at our math class right away.
I walked, thinking about Shane and the great kiss, and then Aleks and the amazing walk on the pier. I didn’t know which one to pick. I wondered when either of them would see me for the little nerd I was, and back out. Maybe they would both go and things would go back to normal.
I still had no explanation for what was going on with Aleks and how it was that I had seen him. It was frustrating to have questions without any answers. And why had he said that about protecting me? It was all too confusing.
I was starting to feel like one of those girls who doodled her first name with the last name of the boy she liked instead of listening in class and learning. I shuddered at the thought.
I got to the class to find Blake sitting on the bench beside the door to class.
He was wearing a t-shirt with a Jesus fish with legs and a tail on it…the Darwin symbol. I laughed when I saw him. He was bent over his iPad and smiling.
“Guild chats?” I asked.
He smiled. “You know it. We are arguing about whether having an Alliance character is traitorous.”
“Absolutely, but I will admit, I did for scientific purposes once. I wanted to see where all their secrets were and what the starts were like.”
He nodded, contemplating what I was saying and started typing again.
He closed the iPad and put it in his backpack. He looked at me. “I need to tell you something, and I need you to just listen to the whole thing before you slap me, leave, and never speak to me again.”
I nodded. “Sounds reasonable.”
He put his head in his hands. I sat on the bench across the hall from him.
He sighed, clearly struggling with whatever he needed to say. “Look, the night of the party, you and I went and sat in the sunroom at Shane’s house. It was the make out room, kind of weird. Anyway, we were sitting there and you decided, at that moment, to tell me you loved me. I was shocked…I had no idea. I handled it badly because the truth is that I have been in love with your sister, forever. So, I told you I didn’t feel the same way."
I cringed inside.
His eyes were pleading with me. "Aimes, I love you in a different way and when me and Alise break up, which we both know will happen, I hope you and I will still be friends. More than friends. Like before.”
My jaw hung open the entire time he spoke. I was humiliated and speechless. I had no idea how to respond to the conversation.
He continued, “I never would have acted on my feelings for her if I thought for a minute that you and I would stop being friends. I always thought you were in love with Shane. I saw the way you watched him; it was the same look I always got when I saw your sister. I thought maybe things with you and Shane would work out, and we could all be friends. Now I see that isn’t likely to happen. It’s my fault you went and drank with Giselle, it’s my fault you drank poison, and it’s my fault that everything is the way it is.” He sighed, still holding his face, refusing to look at me.
I closed my mouth and pressed my lips together. I went to speak but chewed my bottom lip instead. I couldn’t comprehend it all. I felt humiliated. I felt my wall come up. I just couldn’t cope with anything else.
“Blake, you have been my best friend my whole life. I wasn’t in love with you, like I thought I was. I don’t remember saying that to you, but it makes sense now why I went and drank with Giselle. I'm sure I was embarrassed. Sort of like I am now. I am sorry I told you that, because I am not sure we can ever come back from the place we are now. It’s not that you handled it badly or that everything is your fault . . . I don’t feel that way. It's that you lied to me. You acted one way and were another." I would have stood and walked away, but I couldn’t; my legs were stuck.
He looked up at me and whispered in desperation, “Aimes, can you understand animal lust?” His eyes were broken in a way I had never seen on his face.
“I can now.”
He shook his head. “I’m a fraud and I know it, but for once, I want what the other kids have. I want to be part of the ‘in’ crowd…I want to be liked. I’m tired of being that nerd. Your sister is beautiful, and I want to have a beautiful girlfriend, for once.”
His words stung.
“I need to go. Tell Mr. Milton I was sick, okay?”
“You like Shane, even though he dated your sister. Please forgive me, Aimee.”
I shook my head. "He never lied to me."
I ran down the hall before he could catch up with me. I ran down the driveway of the school and out onto the road. My side hurt a lot but I kept going. His words burned into my mind. I knew I was smarter and more confident than I was acting. I needed to be away from him.
I hated my sister so much. I walked to my mom’s spot and sat on the side of the road. I looked at the mark I made in the tree. I clutched my side, panting. The pain had grown again. I wondered about going back to the doctor, but I was terrified to go back. I knew he was going to tell me I needed to go to Children’s with Giselle and be on the donor list.
I looked around me, waiting for the wind to come.
I didn’t even know what to say to my mom. I just knew I needed her. But her wind was gone. “Mom, please come back. I’m sorry I was gone for so long. Please don’t leave me now.” Everything hurt so much, my heart, my side, and even my head a little.
“Aimee?” I turned to see Aleksander walking toward me. He looked concerned.
I started to cry. “I used to feel her here. She came and wrapped the wind around me. But she’s gone now. I was gone for too long and she left me.”
He sat on the ground beside me and wrapped his arms around me. His warmth pulled me into him as I sobbed. He rocked me and smoothed my hair whispering, “It’s okay.” It wasn’t awkward in the slightest. It was exactly what I needed.
I started to feel better. I seemed to relax around him, and my body responded to his. He made all of the pains vanish. He was a stranger, but somehow I felt closer to him than I had any other person in my life.
"It's going to be okay."
I shook my head. “It’s not okay, because I’m not ready. I still need her.”
“Maybe she went to Heaven, Aimee. Maybe she is with the angels now.”
I shook my head. “No, she was here for me for eight months and I almost never needed her. In the last month I have needed her more than ever and now she’s gone. Why now?”
Aleks didn’t answer. He just tried to soothe me while I tried to get my frustrations out. I started to feel better. My chemical response to Aleks stopped my body from noticing my pain everywhere else.
“What are some things you need to ask your mom?”
I thought for a moment. “Why did you leave me?—How will I know how to be a woman without you?—What if I can’t remember what you look like in five years?—What if I forget your smell?—What if I can’t get past this and I ruin the rest of my life?—Did you know you loved Dad from the moment you met him?—Is safe love better than true love or are they the same thing sometimes?—I don’t know what I want to be anymore; I feel like if I choose sciences completely, I will lose the part of me that is you.—Where did you hide the last jar of Grandma’s pickled beets?”
He started laughing. “What beets?”
I snorted. My face was full of tears. “We made a promise that we would only eat them when we were together. She hid the jars, so I couldn’t eat them without her. But before we got to eat the last one, she died. I still can’t find it, and my dad and I have scoured the house.”
Aleks laughed harder. “You are the most intriguing person I have ever met. Ready to move on and walk a little ways?”
I nodded. "Your butt must be getting sore.”
“It is. Your weight and mine is too much to take on concrete.”
We walked along the roadside, kicking rocks toward the ditch.
“Tell me about your mom?” I asked, trying to distract myself. I felt foolish crying in front of him the way I had.
He smiled. “She was the most amazing mom ever. She made me feel loved every day. She was a very giving person. I only hope that I was able to be someone she was proud of, even for a time. Now, why were you so upset when I came upon you?”
I shook my head. “I think it’s that the feelings I’ve had over the last little while are all coming to a head—like I am coming to the end of a long journey, and I have to unpack from it.”
“That’s amazing. I like that about you. You’re able to articulate what it is you’re trying to say and then make a visual. The person listening gets a full picture of what you’re talking about.”