Eternally North (Eternally North 1)

Perfect!

I threw down my bag, walked straight past him to the kitchen and poured myself a large glass of wine. I took a long sip and turned towards my distant lover, who was now standing in the centre of the living room, looking incredibly awkward. “Where’s Tink?” I asked curtly.

“He let me in as he was leaving to meet with Tate; he flies back to LA tonight for the holidays. He went to say ‘bye.”

I nodded, remembering Tink had told me that earlier that morning, while at the same time noticing that Tudor was decked in all black, a perfect reflection of my less-than-stellar mood. He cocked his head to the side, motioning for me to sit down next to him on the sofa.

I walked over and dropped down beside him. He looked at me cautiously, judging my mood. “So, how was your day?”

I laughed bitterly and took another swig of wine. “Oh, just peachy! Your sister went bat-shit crazy at me in class and basically announced to the entire school that I was shagging you, and then guess what? I wasn’t allowed to have any say in her punishment or be clued-in as to why she went nuts at me for what seemed like absolutely no reason! Oh, she also told me to move back to England permanently as no-one wanted me here.”

He threw his head back and groaned. “She doesn’t need punishing, Tash. I’ve been with her the past couple of hours and she feels bad enough for everything she said, she's in a real bad way. She definitely doesn’t need any further punishing.”

“Really? Why, because she’s your sister? Because let me tell you, if any other student went off at a teacher like that, they’d be at least suspended.”

“Just leave it, Tash. Leave her alone,” he said forcefully.

I slapped my hands down on my knees. “Oh this is priceless! You won’t tell me what’s up with you, your sister throws the mother of all wobblies and she’s let off the hook, and you tell me to just leave it? All these secrets are making me crazy, Tudor. Any more and I'll be one flew over the cuckoo's nest!”

He stood up, glaring down at me. “You have no idea what we are all going through, so just friggin’ leave it alone, Tash. God!”

He was a stranger to me at that moment.

I stood up to match his pissed-off stance. I was so done. “I’m going to ask you one more time to explain things to me, or at least tell me a hint, a tiny morsel of what you’re going through. If not, then…” I shrugged.

He grabbed my arm. “Then what?”

I snatched it away aggressively. “Then we are done, Tudor.”

I saw the horrified expression on his face; I didn't let it stop me in my tirade. “I have been so bloody stupid. People must be having a great laugh at my idiocy! Actually, scratch that – they wouldn’t be, would they? Because nobody knows about us, I’m your dirty little secret! I mean, we got very serious way too quick with a freakin’ raincloud of secrets hanging over us every step of the way. I’ve acted like a hormonally-charged teenager and let my attraction for you outweigh what this relationship should be, you know, an adult one built on honesty and trust. But I have had enough. I knew deep down that I wouldn’t be able to live with not sharing everything with you, or rather you with me, but I tried because of how much you mean to me. I want to give you one last chance to tell me what is going on, to salvage this, us, to put your faith in me once and for all.”

His face was as white as a sheet. He was shaking his head profusely. “You don’t mean it.”

I released an angry breath. “Yes I do, and enough is enough. I’m a good person, I should be in a good relationship. I want total honesty. Now, tell me what’s going. Please.”

He put his hands on the back of his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “I can’t, Sunshine.” And, just like that, my emotional cord to Tudor was severed, setting us both free.

I felt the water spill from my eyes but welcomed it; at least now I knew where I stood. I walked back to the kitchen, placed my empty glass down and then made my way to my bedroom. I brought out the few clothes he had left in my room, his scarf from under the pillow included, and walked slowly back towards him, holding out his possessions for him to take.

“Tash, don’t,” he begged. He pushed the scarf back at me, pleading me with his gaze to stop.

“Goodbye, Tudor. It has to be this way, I can’t keep doing this.”

He shook his head, not accepting the situation, reached for me and smashed his lips down to mine, gripping my hair in his fists, willing me to feel his kiss, his love.

I didn’t respond. Couldn’t respond.

He drew his head back. “Kiss me, Tash.”

He tried again, clutching me tighter. I still didn’t reciprocate the kiss, my lips tight and still against his probing tongue. It was the hardest thing I had ever done.

He staggered and whispered. “Are you serious? Are you really done with me?” Oh God, he sounded so broken.

I let my head fall. “I’m done with the secrets, with hiding our relationship – it makes me feel worthless, like you don't trust me. Just let me in and we can be together, properly, and actually give what we have a chance. I feel like we haven’t even moved from the starting blocks. We take one step forward and two steps back. I’m like friggin’ Paula Abdul, without the tap shoes or cute cartoon cat. At the moment, I’m questioning whether I really know the real you at all.”

He held my face in his large hands. “Sunshine, I can’t tell you. But I don’t want to lose you either. Don’t make me choose. I need you. Please.”