I'd seen it in her eyes before I'd shut the door. I'd heard it in her voice.
And as I leaned against the door, immediately regretting my words, I could hear her sob catch in her throat before she practically ran out of my apartment building.
I'd been weak enough to walk across my apartment, watching out the window as she threw herself into a cab, burying her face in Lock's back.
Sleep proved all but impossible as I tossed and turned, at times patting myself on the back for standing up for myself or, just as often, beating myself up for springing it on her out of the blue, for hurting her with the suddenness of my dismissal.
I wasn't the kind of guy who went around hurting women. I certainly never wanted to hurt Dea, of all people. But the situation just seemed to get more and more hopeless with each passing day, and the disappointment of that had been weighing on me. It put me in an uncharacteristically low mood. I hadn't been able to shake it off, or fake it for just one more day.
I just wanted to stop feeling like shit.
Apparently, the only way to put an end to that was to create some boundaries with Dea, so it didn't continue to be confusing to me as I hoped for something it was becoming clear I would never have.
It didn't feel any better, of course. I had a hunch that it wouldn't feel better for a good, long time.
But it was what needed to happen.
Or, at least, that was what I told myself on a seemingly endless loop as I forced myself out of bed after a sleepless night, walked the dogs, fed them, showered, walked them again, played with them.
As it turned out, anytime I looked at Dasher, though, I thought of her. And that love in her eyes when she'd looked at him.
"You look rough," Clarence said as he breezed into my apartment carting at least a dozen bags. Knowing him, Christmas presents that he had yet to wrap or even buy wrapping paper for, so he was going to steal mine while he watched the dogs. "What happened to—oh, now, look at your sweet little smushy face," he said, dropping down on his knees to grab Dasher's face, booping his nose. "See, if I liked chicks, you'd be getting me so much tail. We are going to have so much fun later while Daddy goes out and schmoozes his lady into mistletoe kisses."
"About that," I said, feeling a crumbling sensation inside.
"Uh oh," Clarence said, standing, giving me unwavering eye-contact. "What happened?"
"I told her last night that I was done chasing her."
"You... what? Why the hell would you do that?"
"Because she doesn't love me, man. Not that way. And it's time to stop pretending. So I just put an end to it. Said I needed some distance. Set some boundaries."
"You're an idiot."
"What?"
"You heard me. You're an idiot."
"You don't know what it's been like?"
"No? Because I'm pretty sure I'm the one you've been talking to about it for years. I know all about it. I feel like I've lived it with you. And I think I have the right as an objective third party to say you're a coward who didn't give it the chance it deserved. And, what, now you are going to make that poor girl sit all alone in her apartment on Christmas because you couldn't give it the full shot you said you were going to?"
I hadn't given much thought past the current day. But Clarence was right.
Dea would be alone for Christmas.
Just like before I stepped in.
She would be abandoned.
Just like her mother had done to her.
She would have no one to exchange presents with, no one to sing carols with, no one to eat dinner with.
"Now you're seeing how stupid it was," Clarence said, rolling his eyes. "Maybe I will crash over to her place after our dinner. Bring her some dessert. I have presents for her anyway."
There was an accusation in his voice, something that said I should be the one going to her, making amends.
Almost every part of me wanted to.
But I knew that was just the part of me that was hopelessly in love with her, that wanted to be near her, that wanted to share special moments in her life.
But I couldn't have what I wanted most.
And I needed some room to come to terms with that.
As much as it was going to ruin my holiday to ruin hers, I didn't see much other choice.
"That would be nice of you," I agreed, walking across my apartment to grab my coat and the hideously wrapped package that would work for the White Elephant game that was always played at the party.
"Are you prepared to see her tonight?"
"I doubt she's coming," I said, patting Lillybean and Dasher, and making my way out the door to avoid any further questioning.