Fearless (Forever 7)

It'd been two weeks without Jax. At first I found myself bursting into tears at random times in the night, my heart hurt so much. But I couldn't go on that way forever. After one too many sleepless nights, I made a plan to get my shit together. I had a life I enjoyed before Jax came into it—I just needed to work on getting back there again.

The first step in getting better was to carefully avoid any websites, magazines, or radio stations where I might see or hear anything about Jax. The less I thought about him, the better.

Despite my precautions, I had a bad moment when a large cardboard box arrived from LA. With my stomach tied up in knots, I'd shoved it in my hall closet, unopened. I guessed that inside Jax had packed all my stuff that I'd left behind on the bus.

I didn't even want to open that box of hurt.

But I'd been through breakups before, and survived. I knew what to do, and that the first few weeks were always the hardest. In a month, I'd forget all about what a fool I'd been over some damn rock star. Hell, I'd probably laugh about it.

Now, though, I would pretend my best that nothing had ever happened between us. And with each day, the hurt would grow less. At least, that was the theory.

Kristen called every couple days, seemingly worried about me. Finally, she wanted me to come over for dinner, but somehow that seemed like too much effort. Just trying to make conversation over the phone had been hard, so I begged off.

I had too much work to do anyway. I'd gotten my twenty thousand dollar bonus for a job well done, but somehow, it seemed like every day I kept falling further and further behind on my assignments. The kudos for my good work as a tour accountant had been short-lived, and just that morning Palmer had chewed me out about a couple of errors on an expense analysis report. It hadn't been pretty.

I sat at my desk, staring at my computer. Numbers swam before my eyes, and I put my head in my hands. If I could just finish up this report, I would go home—and maybe go straight to bed.

The time on my computer said five thirty. I sighed. The day had been hard, but at least I'd managed to get through most of it without thinking about Jax. See? Progress.

I heard footsteps behind me, and I hunched over my keyboard, hoping Palmer hadn't caught me slacking.

"Hey, Riley."

I started, and swiveled my head around.

Jen stood there, her purse slung over one shoulder.

"A few of us are going to Mickey's Pub. Want to come?"

I exhaled slowly, trying to soothe my frayed nerves. "Nah. I'm just going to finish up here and go home."

Jen frowned. "When you took a pass on happy hour last Friday, I thought, gee, she must be tired from her trip. But two weeks in a row? That's unheard of."

I looked up at her and then glanced away, fighting down a growing uneasiness. I hadn't lied to Jen about what had happened between me and Jax—but I hadn't told her the whole truth either. The thought of hearing her say "I told you so" was absolutely the last humiliation I wanted to face, so I'd smoothed out the details some, leaving out the heartbreak and passing the whole affair off as some crazy, short-lived fling.

Jen grabbed a chair from the cubicle next to mine and sat down in it. Rolling a little closer, she leaned forward with a suspicious look on her face. "I mean, this is ironic. Here I am, begging you to go out with me. Usually it's the other way around."

I shrugged and gave her a weak smile that felt all wrong on my face. "Maybe I'm just finally getting my priorities straight. There's more to life than just the weekend."

Jen whistled. "Words I never thought I'd hear. I don't think you mean it."

My face grew hot. "Well, I do. If there's one thing I learned from being out on the road, it's that I don't want to live on the edge. Not anymore."

Her eyes widened. "Who are you, and what have you done with my friend Riley? Living on the edge is your MO."

"The longer you stay on the edge," I replied, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice, "The more likely you are to get hurt."

"I don't know what happened to you out there," Jen said, her face solemn, "But it sounds like you got hurt already."

My heart wrenched, and I struggled to keep my face composed. From her serious face, I could tell I no longer had her fooled. But I was getting better now. I should be able to talk about it, no big deal.

I sighed deeply and shook my head. "You were right. About Jax. But it's nothing I can't handle."

Jen gave me a penetrating look. "I'm not going to stand around telling you 'I told you so.' I think you're doing a good enough job of that on your own."

My face flushed red. She seemed to know exactly the reason why I had kept my time with Jax so secret. "It was too embarrassing to talk about at first. But I'm doing okay now, so what the hell."

She leaned forward. "But honey, are you handling it okay? All the concealer in the world can't hide those dark circles under your eyes. Your butt has been parked in that chair all day, so I know you didn't go get lunch." Her eyes suddenly grew worried. "Have you even eaten at all today?"

I jutted out my chin and glared at her. "Cereal this morning."

"That's it?" Jen exclaimed. "Look, I know the symptoms of a broken heart. And you've got all of them."

I frowned, but her words cut me to the core. My heart might have been broken, but couldn't she see I was moving on? I exhaled a shaky breath. "No I don't. I'm way better off without him. Actually, I'm glad we broke up, because my life is complicated enough without all his drama."

Jen gave me a critical look and stood up. "Uh huh. Right. There's only one remedy for heartbreak. Let's ditch the other girls and you and I will go get dinner. You can talk all you want. Or not. Whatever you want to do is fine. But it's never good to just sit and stew over some asshole who doesn't appreciate a good thing when he sees it."

Her words sent an unexpected shiver of hurt down my spine. Jax appreciates me. It's just too hard for him to fight for me.

"It's not like that," I protested. "He cares about me." A lump rose in my throat. "And I care about him too."

"Then why did you break up?" Jen asked, her voice soft.

Tears formed in the corner of my eyes. "I don't know. Our lives are too different. Like I said, I'm better off."

Jen reached out and squeezed my shoulder. "Love isn't something you can talk yourself out of. If you feel that way, and he does too, maybe there's a way you can make it work after all."

I shook my head as a tear coursed down my cheek. I had wanted to make it work, but nothing would ever have been enough to stop Jax's pain from tearing us apart. "I tried. I can't try anymore."