The pain in AK’s eyes was so profound, it made my aching chest grow even tighter with sadness. In the past, AK had always been the person who saved Flame, the person who had freed Flame from the hospital that imprisoned him and given him a home. AK had committed the gravest of actions, simply to give his friend temporary reprieve from the pain he held in his heart. AK had been Flame’s protector. I knew it must have been agony to be a witness to his friend’s obvious inner pain. “It’s good to see you, brother,” AK rasped. I studied Flame for any sign that he had heard AK. There was no response, not even a squeeze of my hand. AK’s happiness at seeing Flame faded, like a drop of water quickly slipping off a leaf in a storm.
“Is everything ready?” I asked AK, trying to defuse an awkward moment. AK tore his concerned gaze from Flame. I gave him a reassuring smile, nodding in confirmation this would work. It had to, because I did not know what else to do to help my husband beyond this.
“Everything’s ready.” AK’s eyes drifted above my head, in the direction of Viking’s cabin. I turned to view what had caught his attention. My heart immediately swelled. Asher. Asher was standing in the doorway. Then my stomach fell as I witnessed the black rings that circled his eyes and the wounds on his neck and hands. But Asher was not looking at me or AK. His focus was directed to one person and one person only—his brother. The brother he loved more than any other soul on earth.
“Asher,” I called, trying to keep from crying at the shattered look on his face. In that moment, I felt a true failure. I did not know how to care for either of them. I did not know how to fix the Cade brothers. They were both lost, both so filled with pain and fear which would not ease. At the mention of Asher’s name, Flame snapped his head up and focused straight on his little brother. It felt like a punch to my chest when Asher met Flame’s stare. Asher swallowed, and his dark eyes began to shine.
“Flame,” Asher rasped, voice broken and coarse. Flame’s hand tightened around mine. I heard Flame’s quick inhale of breath at Asher calling his name. I wanted so desperately to know what Flame was thinking in the here and now. The last time he had been with Asher, they had been tied to trees, hurt, bleeding… and Flame had imagined Asher as Isaiah. He had replaced Asher with the memory of his late brother. I saw how that had crushed Asher, making him feel unwanted, and unworthy when compared to Isaiah.
Asher’s obvious worry for Flame was heartbreaking. Asher appeared tough these days. He was as tall as Flame and almost as wide—muscular and intimidating. His dark features made him seem harder than he was. But when it came down to it, he was a child, desperate to please the older brother he worshipped. Neither knew how to navigate a relationship with the other.
Both were broken.
Both sought any scrap of happiness they could muster. But that happiness forever seemed to evade them.
Flame’s gaze dropped to the ground when it all became too much. “Ash… Ash…” he ground out, his voice hoarse from lack of use. His voice trailed off and I saw redness burst on to his cheeks. He shook his head, unable to express what he wanted to say, frustrated that he could not find the words. Flame stepped closer to me, his chest brushing against my back. He was seeking my comfort.
Fighting the tightness in my throat, I asked, “Asher, you are coming with us, yes?” Asher’s troubled eyes darted from Flame to me.
“I didn’t know him,” he said tightly, and pulled out a cigarette, turning his back on us. Asher’s muscles were tight at his shoulders. His head dropped to look out into the woods. He took a long inhale of his cigarette. I prayed to God to give me the strength to heal them both.
“He was your brother too,” I said carefully. I felt Flame tense behind me. His fingers began to twitch.
“Maddie?” Flame rasped into my ear and I turned to face him. Flame’s panicked black eyes immediately fixed on mine. This time the pain and fear in them shined as brightly as the North Star.
“We need to say goodbye,” I whispered. Immediately, I saw the color drain from Flame’s face. I cupped his cheek; his skin was as cold as stone. “You must say goodbye to Isaiah, baby.” My hand slipped to cover his heart. “All this pain you harbor inside, the memories you fight off in the cellar each day… they must be put to rest. They must be put to rest so that you can rest. Finally, baby. Your soul needs to heal, for that it needs rest.” I blinked away the tears building in my eyes. “You are tired. So, so tired. It is time to breathe. It is time to remove the shackles from your heart and lungs and be free.”
“I… I can’t,” he said. His lips began to tremble. His defeated demeanor destroyed me where I stood. I heard AK clear his throat from behind us, and Viking curse under his breath. Flame like this, so defeated and scared, was a torture to witness.
“You can,” I countered and gently kissed his lips. “I shall be with you every step of the way, as will your best friends.” Flame glanced to AK and Viking over my shoulder. Then I glanced to Asher who was listening intently, listening to his brother buckling under the weight of his pain. The pain Flame was feeling reflected in Asher’s agonized expression, for all the world to see. “And Asher too,” I said. Asher’s head snapped up. I held my hand out to him in offering. Asher stared at my outstretched hand like it was laced with. Flame’s haunted gaze followed the path to his brother. Asher briefly met Flame’s eyes. Then I heard Flame hold his breath.
Asher would not have heard this, nor would AK or Viking. But having Flame so close, I did. He was holding his breath, awaiting Asher’s answer. Flame wanted Asher to come with us. He would never say so, but the held breath, that suspended moment where he waited for Asher’s answer, broke my heart. Asher was loved, so very loved, but he was blind to it. Darkness occluded that truth like a blindfold. I would not force Asher to come. He had been through so much too. This had to be his choice.
“Ash…” Flame rasped.
Tears built in Asher’s eyes. Before his tears could fall, Asher turned and fled inside the house. Flame did not move, he just stared at the place his brother had been standing.
“Let’s get on the road,” AK said.
Pulling gently on Flame’s hand, I told AK, “Our bags are in the spare room.” AK walked past us and into our cabin. I led Flame to the van. If anything, Asher’s unwillingness to join us seemed to break his spirit. I had not thought it was possible. Flame joined me in the back of the van. He sat beside the window, placing his hand in mine. I laid my head on his arm, taking strength from the warmth of his skin. Viking jumped into the passenger seat.
“Sister Ruth is waiting at her apartment.” AK would not let us travel without her being present.
A spark of something unknown seemed to light in Viking’s eyes. He made to turn away but cast a quick glance at Flame and gave me one of his warmest smiles. Viking was always smiling. His energy was infectious. “This’ll work, Madds. Flame, this’ll fucking work.”
I smiled at Viking. The back doors of the van opened. AK put our bags inside. He climbed into the driver’s side and started up the van. “Ready?” he asked. I nodded and AK began reversing the van out of the clearing. We were about to drive along the graveled path, when a loud knocking sounded on the van doors. AK brought the van to a speedy stop.
“What the fuck?” he shouted. The side doors flew open. Relief flooded my veins when in saw Asher, bag in hand, breathless from chasing the van. His eyes were wary. His cheeks were flushed. But he climbed into the van, silently and sat behind Flame and me.
“Little fucking Ash!” Viking declared and shook his head. “Leave the amateur dramatics to me in the future, yeah? I’m the motherfucking prima donna in this group.”
“You can say that again,” AK confirmed, smirking at Viking. AK turned back to us. “We fucking ready now?”
I nodded, trying to hide the smile on my lips. Asher had come. He had come with us… I looked over my shoulder and held out my free hand. Asher’s jaw clenched. He eventually reached out and held my hand. Thank you, I mouthed. Asher nodded
once, then withdrew his hand.
As I settled my head back onto Flame’s shoulder, he exhaled a long breath, muscles losing their tension. I kissed his bicep. Flame was relieved. Asher was here, and Flame was happy about it. “I love you,” I whispered, as the van took us out of the compound, and toward Ruth’s home. We were up and running. We were going back to a place I believed we would never return. For closure… to shut the final door… to find peace… to find much-needed peace.
*****
“So, Ruth, how long have you been a doula?” Viking asked Sister Ruth. We had been on the road for hours. Flame still gazed out of the window. He had not yet found sleep, but he had not become restless. He was still numb.
“I trained formally when we left The Order. But I was the midwife in our compound in Puerto Rico.”
“You like it?” Viking asked. He leaned over the chair he sat in. His chin rested on his folded arms. He had barely taken his eyes off Ruth since she got in the van. He had barely drawn breath in asking her lots of questions.
“I loved it,” Ruth replied. She was dressed in jeans and a blue shirt. Her long dark hair fell in waves down her back. She was beautiful. And I believed Viking thought so too.
Viking nodded. “It’s funny, you and I have a lot in common.”