Easton got back to being annoyingly quiet, and I drew a breath, gluing my gaze back to the monotonous view of yellow ranch-styled houses, the water tower, and cactuses.
Maybe if things had been different with Aubrey, I wouldn’t be so paranoid about the people I loved. But Aubrey had died, and keeping Grace safe was my top priority, even if it gutted me inside out.
Even leaving here wouldn’t have changed that. If anything, I’d be leaving her unprotected, in the same zip code with that asshole, Kade Appleton.
I’d already come to terms with the dreadful fact that I loved her.
It was the kind of love that made me roll my eyes to oblivion when I saw it in movies and TV. The intensity of it scared the shit out of me, because I never thought I could be this way with someone who wasn’t blood-related to me.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
Wanting to touch her.
Wondering what she was thinking, where she was, what she was doing.
It was different from the fairy tales, because I knew that I could go on without Grace Shaw. It wouldn’t kill me. Not physically, anyway. I’d just go back to being the same miserable jackass I was prior to falling in love with her.
But I wouldn’t be alive. Not really. I would be wasting oxygen, space, and resources, going back to not-so-secretly wishing I’d die.
The realization dawned on me like a cold shower.
I didn’t want to die when I was with Grace.
I wanted to live. To laugh. To love.
To date her and nibble on her neck and listen to her talking about plays and nineties movies and defending fanny packs vehemently.
I’d been relishing life—actively enjoying it, even—for months, and I didn’t even realize it.
I didn’t want to die anymore.
Somewhere along the road, the idea of veering my bike off the road when I picked up speed stopped appealing to me. I no longer imagined what it would feel like to hurl myself off a cliff. I stopped walking into the ring wanting the asshole in front of me to throw a punch that would send me into cardiac arrest.
And it was all because of Grace ‘Texas’ Shaw.
“Still don’t understand why you didn’t just tell him the fight wasn’t happening.” East huffed. “How could Appleton force you to fight?”
“Easily, by playing dirty. As soon as I got it on with Texas, I went to Max and told him I was bailing. Max said he’d try, and from the moment I got the text that Appleton wanted to go ahead and make it happen, I’d been threatened, ambushed at the food truck, and slammed at an intersection on my way home. Kade has eyes on me everywhere. He wants to see me in that ring—and not in one piece.”
“Fuck.” Easton scratched at his stubble.
“Yeah.”
“Well, even if you’re not going to be with Grace—which, by the way, I think is a fine decision, seeing as there’s no chance she is going to take your sorry ass back after the public humiliation you put her through—I still think you should explain yourself. You made your point. Everyone on planet Earth knows you guys are not a couple. Now’s the time to apologize.”
“I will,” I said with conviction. “I’m going to kiss her fucking feet and bow to her after this is all done. But I can’t contact her right now. I haven’t even visited her the entire week. I need to keep this shit on lock. Slipping now would just confirm everything she said is true. That we are a couple.”
“You aren’t a couple.”
He didn’t have to remind me.
The hole in my heart did the job.
The week leading to Friday was the worst of my life.
Well, maybe the second-worst week.
The week after I’d lost Aubrey, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I would never see my baby sister again in the flesh. She could only taunt me in my dreams. But Grace—she was everywhere. She was on campus. In the cafeteria. In the provisional auditorium. She walked past me—always accompanied by Karlie and her new unlikely ally, Tess.
It was both comforting and taunting.
We both acted like the other person didn’t exist.
I couldn’t make it plainly obvious I was pining after her, even if it killed me.
Seeing her at work was no longer an option, as my ass got fired after the cafeteria scene. Not even an hour after I broke up with Texas publicly, I received a text message from Mrs. Contreras, advising me that my employment was terminated. She left a check and a formal letter in my mailbox the following day. She didn’t even give me the good luck in the future bullshit. Straight up cut me loose and didn’t look back.
To make my pathetic-o-meter ding even louder, I found myself driving around her neighborhood often. Each morning and every evening, skipping gym time. It wasn’t like I was capable of thinking about anything beyond her. I even managed to forget sending my parents their weekly stipend.