He Started It

‘You must get sick of being around drunk people all the time,’ I say.

‘Yeah, it got old a while ago. Just can’t make the same money in an entry-level job.’

‘I bet not.’

‘I mean, I’m not going to do it forever,’ she says, pausing to finish off her first drink. ‘Just until I find a good starter job.’

‘Grandpa’s money will pay for your student loans,’ I say.

Portia nods. ‘Thank God.’

We’re the only ones left to inherit his estate. Grandma passed away long before he did, and our parents are not in the picture.

‘What do you think you’ll do?’ I say.

She shrugs, refilling her glass and topping off mine. ‘I’d like to get into the medical field. Maybe be a physician’s assistant or something. One day maybe I’ll go to nursing school.’

‘You’d be good at that.’

She smiles. There’s just enough light for me to see her eyes. Clear blue, just like Grandpa had. Mine are murky, like dark water, and Eddie’s look like blue marbles.

‘How do you think this trip will go?’ she says.

Funny she asks this now, when we’re already on our way. This is the question we all should have asked about, pondered over, and discussed before we got on the road.

We all heard about this trip at the same time, on the conference call with Grandpa’s lawyer.

‘No funeral, no memorial service. He specifically notes this,’ the man said. He spoke with a deep Georgian drawl. Grandpa didn’t have that. ‘Your grandfather requested just a brief obituary in the local paper. He has provided the wording that should be used.’

It’s odd how silent we all were. Like we were having a staring contest through the phone.

‘Your grandfather asked that his body be cremated. The next part I will read exactly as he stated it,’ the lawyer said. A paper shuffled. The sound was strange, like Grandpa had found the one lawyer who didn’t use a computer. ‘“Go on the road trip. Scatter my ashes at the end. Once I’m in my final resting place, my estate will be equally divided between you.” There’s also a provision for a rental car. Any questions?’

The road trip, not a road trip. There had been only one.

No, we had no questions.

‘As for the estate, your grandfather’s assets include his house, a car, a retirement fund, and an investment account. Everything is to be divided equally between the three of you.’ The lawyer paused. ‘While the house, car, and furnishings still have to be valued, the total in liquid assets is $3,453,000. By the time his remains have been delivered to their designated place, we’ll have the total.’

The amount seemed staggering, at least to me, and that was just the cash.

‘There are a few final conditions to receiving your inheritance,’ the lawyer said. ‘Your grandfather stipulated that anyone who ends up in jail, who does not complete the trip, or who deviates from the original trip in any way will get nothing.’

This is how it must go. First the trip, then the money. Grandpa didn’t even work for it – he inherited it from Grandma’s sister, who had no kids of her own, and he’d kept it all to himself ever since.

When the call ended, Eddie sent an e-mail to Portia and me asking about logistics. He did not question what Grandpa said or if we would do it. No one did.

We deserved that money. Our payment had been a long time coming.

Twenty years ago, when we first went on this road trip, Grandpa wanted to show us the world, starting with as many states as possible. Instead, it turned into one of those things we don’t mention, don’t talk about. It stays in our heads, swimming around in denial, in disbelief, even in delusion.

So how do I think this second trip will go? It’s going to be the trip of a lifetime. And when it’s over, everything is going to be different. Just like the first time.

‘It’ll be fine,’ I say to Portia. ‘It will all be just fine.’

She rolls her eyes. I don’t argue with her.

I also don’t tell her about the journal. No one knows I have it. The paper has yellowed, the stickers on the front faded, but the fancy title is still readable.

Your Feelings: A Guide

Thoughtful Questions for Thoughtful Girls

AUGUST 12, 1999

Which three women do you most admire?

First, I was never going to use this journal for anything. It was a birthday present, a lame one, and it’s been under my bed until today. I saw it when I pulled out my suitcase to use for the trip. I brought it in case I got bored and here we are. So there’s that.

Second, I don’t admire anyone. This is a trick question, because I’d basically be saying ‘I’m not these three women, I’ll never be these three women, but I admire them more than I admire myself.’

That’s screwed up, if you ask me. Like girls don’t have enough self-esteem problems already.

On the upside, my therapist would probably be crazy proud of me for recognizing such an unhealthy question. I’m going to tell him about it when we get back. Dr Lang isn’t a real doctor, he’s just a therapist, but I call him Dr Lang to remind him of what he’s not.

Our sessions are like being on one of those spinning things on the playground – the metal kind with the bars on them. Why can’t adults see how stupid and dangerous those things are?

I ask the same question about my therapy sessions.

13 Days Left

Felix doesn’t know a lot about the first road trip. He knows it happened, yes, but not everything about it. I know, it’s terrible of me to keep such big things from my husband, but I stand by my decision, even now. Couples who think they need to tell each other every little thing they do or did are destined to fail. All those details build up to a heaping pile of crap and you can’t stay married to that.

But I’m in no condition to go on a walk, so I don’t hide my late night with Portia.

‘Good for you,’ he says. ‘I’m glad you spent some time with your sister.’

I want to hit him. It’s probably the hangover.

Even when I get to the diner for breakfast, the rum is still seeping out of my pores. Portia is young, so she still looks good without makeup, and her hair is tied up in a knot on top of her head. Just looking at it makes mine hurt more.

‘You guys went out last night?’ Eddie says. He looks crisp and ironed, even in a T-shirt and khakis.

Krista is beside him and she’s pouting. I bet she didn’t realize what kind of motels we’d be staying in.

‘We didn’t go out,’ I say. ‘We just drank.’

‘Yeah, we didn’t go anywhere,’ Portia says.

Eddie’s eyes narrow, like he’s about to say something fatherly: We should be careful. We’re not here to party. We have no business drinking alone in a strange town.

But he doesn’t say that. Instead, he smiles. It lights up his eyes and shows off his dimples. Eddie morphs from asshole to loveable asshole just like that.

‘You should have asked me to join,’ he says. ‘We need to have some fun on this trip.’

Portia nods. ‘You need to have some fun. You’re starting to be a boring old man.’