‘Last time we were here, we all got sick from eating something at one of these diners,’ I say. ‘That’s why Portia said it was a shitshow. Except it was more like a vomit show.’
Lie.
Felix puts down his fork. ‘What happened last night?’
I’ve given this one a lot of thought. Had all day to come up with a creative story, but the truth is easier. Mostly the truth.
‘It was the song that freaked us out. Did you hear it?’ I say.
He thinks for a minute, shakes his head.
‘Doesn’t matter. Point is, we heard it a thousand times on the first trip. If we had a theme song, that was it.’ I stop and take a deep breath. ‘So when that song woke me up, I ran outside. It wasn’t like I gave it a lot of thought, I just did it. And I guess Portia did the same thing.’
‘Why didn’t you just say that?’
‘It was the middle of the night. I was confused … I don’t know. It just seemed difficult to explain at one in the morning.’
‘I feel like you aren’t telling me everything,’ he said.
‘Well, you’re wrong. There’s nothing more to tell.’
No, Felix, I’m not going to ever tell you about Nikki or her secrets. I’ve already learned that lesson.
I almost let Felix believe we’re going to the theme park. It was the whole reason we originally drove so many hours in one day. Nikki said we had to get a good night’s sleep so we could spend the whole next day at Silverwood. But Nikki was no longer in control, and the only time we saw roller coasters was through the car window as Grandpa drove by.
I still remember how that felt. It wasn’t disappointment; it was something big and sharp and it hit me like a fist. It felt the same as finding out Grandpa had abducted us. At the time, I didn’t recognize it as betrayal.
While I doubt the impact would be the same, I still tell Felix before we get on the road.
‘There’s no roller coasters,’ I say.
We’re in the motel room alone. Portia is outside on her phone or drinking or whatever she does when she’s alone. Felix is repacking his bag because it wasn’t right the first time. He doesn’t stop. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, we aren’t really going to a theme park. We were supposed to, but then we never did.’
‘Was it closed?’
Easy enough to lie here, but I don’t. ‘We just didn’t go.’
He looks frustrated now, maybe even angry, and it’s no longer interesting. It’s weird. ‘Then where are we going?’ he says.
‘Washington.’
‘Why wouldn’t you just tell me that? Why are you keeping things from me?’
Because I can’t explain why or how it happened, and I can’t tell him what really happened on the trip. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say.
Anger flashes in his eyes. ‘You lied to me.’
Yes, I did lie. And I have lied to him so many times – about my parents, about the first trip, and about Nikki, by never telling him about her at all. I also lied about why I went to school in Florida.
Way back when we first starting dating, I told Felix I chose the University of Miami because of the weather, the beaches, and because I just wanted to be somewhere new.
Lie.
I moved to Florida because of Cooper, Nikki’s boyfriend. He went to the University of Miami and stayed in the area after graduation. I went to the same school and did the same thing, right up until he moved to Central Florida. Felix didn’t know it, but I applied for a transfer to an United International office in the same area. When it finally came through, I told him the offer came out of nowhere.
Lie.
And yes, International United came through for both of us, and we moved to the next town over from Cooper. It was all because of him. And, as always, because of her.
When I was in high school back in Atlanta, I thought a lot about where Nikki would turn up. If she hadn’t been pregnant, I never would’ve moved to Florida.
Cooper went on with his life. He got married, had a couple of kids, and seems to have a perfectly normal life that does not include Nikki. Yet. He has no idea I’ve been right there with him, watching and waiting for the day his high-school girlfriend shows up with the child he didn’t know anything about.
Because I’m on this road trip, I can’t see him in person. All I have is his Instagram.
3 Days Left
Idaho
State Motto: Let it be perpetual
Today’s lie is about roller coasters, and I had no choice but to admit it. Felix is looking at me as if this is a much bigger deal than it is.
Before I can respond to him, Portia bursts in the door and she’s visibly shivering. ‘Jesus Christ, it wasn’t this cold last time.’ She stamps her feet like there’s snow on them. There is not.
‘You’ve been complaining about the cold for a while now,’ I say.
‘I live in Louisiana. It’s ninety degrees down there.’
She looks up at me, then at Felix. We’re both staring at her, not saying a word. ‘Oh God, you guys are fighting, aren’t you? Yeah, you are, I can tell. Sorry, sorry.’ Before either of us can stop her, she slams back out of the room.
This is how marriage feels. Being in it is one thing, looking at it from the outside is another.
‘You’re right,’ I say. ‘I lied.’
He shakes his head at me. ‘That’s not right.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I slip my hands around his waist and it feels like the most comfortable thing in the world. After years of being married, I know his body like I know my own, and I can feel him relax as his anger starts to disappear.
‘You shouldn’t have kept this from me,’ he says. ‘I’m your husband.’
‘I know. You’re right.’
‘I don’t like being lied to.’
‘I’m sorry.’ This doesn’t seem like the right time to bring up his lies, but the hypocrisy of our conversation doesn’t escape me. It pisses me off.
‘I know you’re sorry.’ He kisses the top of my head.
I lean back and look up at him. ‘You know what would be fun?’ I say.
‘What?’
‘Let’s pretend we are fighting.’
‘Why?’ he says.
‘Because …’ I have to twist the idea around in my mind the way Nikki would when she wanted something. ‘Because this trip hasn’t been any fun and my brother can be an asshole and Portia is always drunk and I want to have some fun with them.’ I keep my eyes on his, never wavering at all. ‘Don’t you want to have fun with me?’
He smiles, every speck of anger gone. ‘I’d love to have fun with you.’
Score one for me. Thanks to Nikki.
Breakfast in Idaho isn’t much different from breakfast in Wyoming except there are more potatoes. Actually, everything revolves around the potato, including the name of the place: Spuds.
Felix and I do not speak during the meal.
Portia notices. She talks the whole time about a dream she had, and it sounds like a convenient story. She also keeps looking over at Eddie, who alternates between nodding at what she’s saying and staring at his phone. If he notices Felix and I aren’t talking, he doesn’t say anything.