He Started It

I walked into her room.

She was sprawled out on her black bedspread, phone to her ear, staring at the ceiling. It was plastered with rock band posters.

‘Um, hello?’ she said.

‘Hang up,’ I said.

‘Excuse –’

‘Hang. Up.’

She did. Portia sat up, crossed her arms over her chest, and stared at me in a very pissed-off way.

‘Why are you telling people Grandpa molested you?’ I said.

‘Were you listening?’ She got off the bed, moving around quick, all full of fire and brimstone. ‘Oh my God, I can’t get a second to myself in this house. Not one second.’

‘Stop.’ I grabbed her by the wrist, making her face me. ‘Why are you saying he did it?’

Portia said something that, to this day, makes me think she understood a lot more on the road trip than I thought she did.

She smiled, her black lips parting to reveal her still-young, still-white teeth. ‘Because I can.’

It’s not difficult to get to our middle-of-the-desert location. If you remember enough from before, that is. I do. I took note of everything because I was looking so hard for Nikki.

Grandpa drove straight, just straight, until the road forked. He sat for a second, no blinker on, staring at Calvin in his rearview mirror. The investigator also didn’t have a blinker on. Grandpa went left and Calvin followed.

Grandpa drove until he hit the dirt, which wasn’t far. Instead of turning left and staying on the road, he kept going straight. We were surrounded by huge rock mountains, each one crazier-looking than the last. Just like in Thelma & Louise. Years passed before I learned those desert scenes had been filmed in Utah, not Nevada.

Grandpa continued winding his way through the dirt, around the hills, and after maneuvering around one particularly large hill, he pulled over and stopped. I know right where that spot is.

You think that sounds convenient, and I have to admit, if I were hearing this story, I would think the same thing. But it’s not convenient. Not if you could see the rocks.

They’re all different in the desert. From the distance maybe they aren’t, but up close they are. Grandpa pulled over next to one big round rock and two taller ones behind it. As soon as I saw them, I knew what they looked like.

Portia was sitting behind me, and I turned to her and pointed.

‘Look. It’s a bunny,’ I said.

That’s what the rocks looked like: two rabbit ears and a round nose. Portia started wiggling around, all excited. ‘Nikki’s here? Nikki’s by the bunny?’

I didn’t answer.

The rocks are what made it so easy to find the same place. One turn left, keep straight until the road turns to dirt, go around the hills, and after getting around the largest one, stop at the bunny. It’s not like this area had changed a lot.

It still feels like the end of the civilized world.

Eddie takes the Alamo exit, pausing to pull into a gas station convenience store.

‘Last stop.’ Before what, he doesn’t say. He’s just taken it upon himself to narrate the end of our trip.

Portia heads to the restroom while Eddie and I go into the store. I get a large coffee with too much sugar. Might as well. My guess is this day will end very quickly or it won’t end for a long, long time.

Eddie analyzes the ingredients in a protein shake. Portia comes inside and grabs a Smartwater – no alcohol today, I guess. We all need to fuel up somehow.

Once we get back on the road, I give orders to Eddie. It’s a nice change.

‘Straight down that road,’ I say. ‘Left at the fork, then keep straight off the road and go around the largest rocks. Stop at the rabbit-shaped ones.’

‘I got it,’ Eddie says.

It takes longer than I thought it did, maybe because I know what’s coming. Last time, every turn was a new sight, but now, as soon as the bunny ears come into view, my stomach jumps.

‘There,’ I say.

‘I got it,’ Eddie says.

‘You remember those?’ I say to Portia.

She gives me a dirty look, albeit a mild one. ‘I wasn’t a baby the first time.’

No, she wasn’t that. She was old enough to drug our cocoa, even if she didn’t realize it.

When Eddie pulls over, it’s almost a letdown. Nothing is here – no marching band, no welcome banner, nothing to mark our arrival. And no one is waiting for us, least of all Nikki. Just the big rocks and a sandy hill protected from the wind by the bunny ears.

A grave.

Calvin Bingham has still never been found.

‘Looks the same,’ Eddie says.

Exactly the same.

I can still see it all, like it happened just a few minutes ago. Calvin and Grandpa, facing off between the cars, and we had ringside seats. We were in the van, looking out the back windows. Eddie had opened one of the side windows, the kind that used to have a little crank on it, so we could hear everything.

‘So where is she?’ Calvin said.

‘Oh, Nikki will be here,’ Grandpa said. ‘Anytime now.’

‘Really? Somehow she let you know she would be right here, in the middle of the desert?’

‘Yep. She sure did.’ Grandpa sounded like he was about to laugh.

Portia leaned over and whispered in my ear. ‘Where is she?’

‘She’s not coming, stupid,’ Eddie said.

‘Yes she is!’

Grandpa and Calvin heard that. They both looked up at us. They both saw Portia’s little face contort into that expression kids make when they’re about to cry.

‘Where’s Nikki?’ she yelled.

‘That’s what I want to know,’ Calvin said, looking back at Grandpa. ‘You don’t know where she is, do you?’

‘Go to hell. I know where my granddaughter is.’

Calvin rubbed his forehead like he was tired. And done. ‘Yeah, this has been great, and thanks for the tour of the desert.’ He moved toward his car, then turned back one last time. ‘Your daughter just wanted to make sure her kids were okay. She didn’t want to call the police on you. You know, she even told me about your wife dying and –’

‘You shut up about my wife,’ Grandpa said.

‘Look, I’m not even supposed to be talking to you. My orders were to follow and make sure the kids were okay, and you didn’t get into any trouble,’ Calvin said. ‘I don’t care what happens to you, and I’ve got no problem calling the police. You can tell them all about Nikki.’ He threw his hands up and turned away, back to his car.

‘Stop.’

It’s not Grandpa.

I was so busy with Portia, I never heard Eddie get out of the van. Now I see him, down below us, and he’s got Grandpa’s gun.

Calvin saw the gun and froze. ‘Now, wait a minute –’

‘Eddie!’ Grandpa said. ‘Give that to me.’

Eddie did not move, other than to glance at Grandpa. ‘He’s going to call the police.’

‘No, I’m not,’ Calvin said. ‘I’m just going to leave. I’m quitting this job.’

‘You said you were going to call the police,’ Eddie said.

‘No, I meant I’d call your mother and she would call the police. Who knows, maybe she won’t?’