Sometimes I Lie

I picture him staring intently at my fingers, willing them to move. I wish that I could do this one small thing for him.

‘It’s OK, I know you would if you could. They said I could stay until midnight, so long as it was just me. It’s 12.03, so . . .’ I hear him zipping up his jacket and I panic.

Please don’t go.

‘Don’t worry, I’ll still be watching over you. Just between us, I’ve set up a little camera in your room, the one I was going to put up at the back of the house. I’m going to put it right here, where nobody will notice. It’s activated by movement, so if you get up and start dancing in the night, I’ll be able to see you on the laptop at home. I know that you’re in there, Amber. They don’t believe me, but I know. You just have to hold on; I’ll find a way to get you out.’ He kisses me again, then switches off the light before quietly closing the door behind him, like a parent putting their child to bed. I’m alone. Again.

So this is 2017. It sounds so futuristic in my head. When we were little we thought that there would be flying cars and holidays to the moon by now. Things have changed since we were children, perhaps not as much as we might have liked, but the world is a different place. Faster, louder, lonelier. Unlike the world around us, we haven’t changed at all, not really. History is a mirror and we’re all just older versions of ourselves; children disguised as adults.

Then

Christmas Eve, 2016

‘What are you doing here? How did you get into my house?’

Edward sits calmly on my sofa, smiling up at me. As though this is normal, as though any of this makes sense. He’s even more tanned than before and I remember the ancient-looking sunbed in his flat.

‘Calm down, Amber. Everything is fine, why don’t you have a glass of wine? Unwind, tell me about your day?’ he says. I spot the bottle of red on the coffee table and two glasses. Our glasses, mine and Paul’s. Our wine.

‘I’m calling the police,’ I say.

‘No you’re not. Unless this is how you want your husband to find out that you’ve been seeing another man?’ He picks up the bottle and pours two glasses. I try to stay calm, to think, to understand what is happening. ‘You wanted me to come here, that’s why you left your keys at my flat.’ He puts them on the coffee table and I feel a brief moment of relief. I need those keys, not all of them belong to me. And then the penny drops.

‘You took the keys from my bag last night . . .’

‘Now why would I do a thing like that? By the way, it was very rude of you to leave my flat like that without saying goodbye.’

‘You put something… in m-my drink,’ I stammer.

‘What are you talking about?’ he asks. His perfect white smile still fixed on his bronzed face.

‘You must have. It’s the only thing that makes sense.’

His smile fades. ‘Don’t play games, Amber. We’re too old for that now. You wanted to come to my flat. You wanted me to take your clothes off. You wanted all of it.’

I feel myself start to crumble.

‘I didn’t.’ My words seem to be coming from someone else, someone small and far away. He stands up and I take a step backwards. His eyes darken before the smile returns to his face.

‘May I?’ Without waiting for an answer, he reaches down and picks my phone up from the coffee table. He unlocks it without needing to ask for the code, then holds the phone up to my face so I can see what he’s looking at. ‘Does it look like I’m making you do something you didn’t want to?’

Everything stops. I want to look away but I can’t.

He scrolls through various pictures of a woman who looks a lot like me, but I’ve never seen myself like this before. My naked body. My open mouth. A look of pure pleasure on my face. I close my eyes.

‘You wanted to go all the way, but I’m too much of a gentleman for that. We must be patient and wait for the right time. I want you to end things with your husband, first – I’m not going to share you with him. We’ve wasted too many years apart but now we’ve got so much to look forward to.’ He takes another step closer, I take another step back.

‘You’re crazy.’ I instantly regret my choice of words as he slams my mobile back down on the table.

‘Don’t worry, there are plenty more pictures on my phone. I have a favourite. I was thinking of sending it to Paul. Such a pathetic sounding name, Paul. Poor Paul, I think it suits him. His email address is on his little author website, but then I thought no, you should be the one to tell him. Wasn’t that considerate of me?’ I turn to face him, my anger only slightly outweighing my fear. ‘You need to tell Paul the truth and ask him to leave. Then I’ll move in and we can start again.’

‘Start again? You’re fucked up, do you know that? You drugged me, you must have, none of this makes sense. I wouldn’t do that.’

His face twists into something sour. ‘You were begging for it,’ Edward says, standing right in front of me now. ‘Begging me to fill up every one of your dirty little holes.’

I have to get out of here, I have to find Paul.

I rush for the door but Edward gets there before me, slamming it shut with one hand and slapping me hard across the face with the other.

He hits me again and I fall to the floor.

‘Why must you always spoil everything? I’ve forgiven you for what you did to me years ago but I won’t let you make a fool of me again.’

I remember the letters that Claire said she wrote about him when we were students. I try to explain but he hits me again, knocking the wind and the words right out of me. I stop hearing what he is saying as his hands tighten around my throat. He lifts me off the floor and it’s almost impossible to breathe. I hit him with my fists and try to kick him but it’s as though he doesn’t feel the blows, like a fly trying to hurt a horse, I’m just an irritation.

I have to do something, anything, he’s going to kill me…

‘I’m pregnant,’ I manage to say. The two little words dance in the air between us. He wasn’t the person I had imagined telling first. I don’t think he hears me; I don’t think he wants to. I can’t think, can’t breathe. The very edges of my vision start to turn black, the darkness slowly spreading like ink spilling on blotting paper.

I hear the back door open.

Edward hears it too and drops me to the floor. I stay perfectly still, scared of what is going to happen next. He steps back and I think he’s going to kick me in the stomach. I wrap my arms around my belly and close my eyes, but there’s no need. Edward calmly walks out through the front door, quietly closing it behind him. I hear Paul fill the kettle in the kitchen and I know that I am safe, for now. He can’t see me like this. I stand up on shaky legs, double lock the front door, grab my phone from the coffee table and hurry upstairs, locking myself in the bathroom. Within moments Paul has followed me up.

‘Is that you?’ he asks.

‘Yes,’ I manage, struggling to remember how I normally sound and trying to mimic that.

‘How was Claire?’