No.
He lifted the coffee pot and poured her a cup. ‘How are you?’ He tried to keep it light, but tension tightened his throat.
‘Good.’ She accepted the coffee, keeping her gaze on the cup and not him. ‘Sorry I slept so late.’
‘You needed it.’
He coughed out the huskiness in his voice. He hated it that she still apologised and felt she needed to explain her behaviour all the time.
She kept her eyes averted. Wariness prickled down his spine. Already he knew that look. She had something on her mind. That made two of them.
‘What’s up?’ he prompted.
She sipped her drink, bracing herself as if nervous. ‘I’ve been thinking...’
‘Sounds dangerous,’ he teased when she trailed off. ‘You have another crazy plan in your head?’
A small smile crossed her lips and she nodded.
He drew in an exaggerated breath. ‘Okay, hit me with it.’
She hesitated, her glance skittering away from him again. ‘I just want you to know I had a great time last night...’
He narrowed his gaze, all senses suddenly on full alert.
‘But I don’t think...’
His brain sharpened as she trailed off again. Was she attempting her first ‘one-night-and-walk-away’—her first ever break-up? Her thinking was more dangerous than he’d imagined.
‘We shouldn’t do that again,’ she said quickly.
‘Do what again?’ He wanted to make her spell it out. Wanted to make her blush awkwardly all over again. Because he was feeling oddly wounded.
‘We shouldn’t sleep together,’ she said more firmly.
‘You mean have sex?’
‘That too.’
He blinked. Wow. Even though it was exactly what he’d been thinking less than five minutes ago, now the idea seemed like pure madness. Had he disappointed her in some way? He refused to believe it.
‘I made you—’
‘Yes,’ she blurted, interrupting him. ‘I had too good a time.’
Was that even possible? He relaxed a little and rubbed his hand across his mouth to hide his smile. ‘So the problem is...?’
‘It’s simple pleasure to you,’ she said, straightening. ‘You said it’s just a fun pastime. And I can see why... It’s amazing.’
He dropped his hand and stared at her warily.
‘The thing is...’ She paused to cough the frog from her throat and sent him an apologetic smile. ‘I think it might not be that simple for me. I liked it...too much. I know it’s probably just because...you know...I’m not that experienced and you’re really—’
He held up his hand to stop her. ‘I can’t make out if you’re insulting me or paying me a compliment.’
‘You’re really good at making a woman feel good,’ she said earnestly, regardless of his interruption. ‘The problem is if you keep making me feel that good I’ll probably end up fancying myself in love with you.’
‘And of course that is beyond the realms of possibility?’ He forced a smile past the hollowness in his chest. ‘Once again, I thank you for your honesty.’
‘It’s just better if we don’t sleep together again.’ She held the coffee cup close to her chest.
‘One night really was enough for you?’ Rebellion bubbled in his blood. ‘Straight back to self-denial, Katie?’
She’d scuttled into her box, hiding away when she didn’t have to. He was tempted to stand up and take the two steps to get close to her again. One kiss and he’d convince her otherwise.
‘Self-preservation,’ she corrected quietly.
‘Are you trying to scare me off?’ he asked, attempting a small tease when in fact he felt the furthest from laughing he’d felt in years.
‘I’m not like you...’ she breathed. ‘I don’t want to be just another lover for anyone,’ she said.
He rubbed his forehead. ‘I’m not the complete playboy you seem to think I am.’ His gaze narrowed when he saw the disbelieving arch of her eyebrows. ‘I played that up because you were being so judgey. How do you think I got my clubs so damn popular? It was all part of the image.’
She shook her head at him, her eyes serious. ‘No, Alessandro. I saw you.’
He paused. ‘Saw me what?’
Her blush deepened. ‘You were about eighteen...it wasn’t long before you left White Oaks for the last time. I saw you in the orchard. You were...entertaining one of the summer workers. A few days later you were entertaining another. You’ve always had lots of women. It wasn’t about building your business then.’
‘You saw me “entertaining” one of the student workers? What was I doing?’ He racked his brain, trying to remember who or when, but honestly that period in his life had been hideous.
She didn’t reply but that flush under her skin deepened in colour. Clearly he’d been doing a little more than kissing a girl.
‘Did you like watching me?’ he asked roughly.
Her eyes widened in surprise and the colour mottled all down her neck. ‘I was only... I didn’t know what I was watching.’
Definitely more than just kissing. He gazed at her searchingly, compelling her to tell him more.
‘I was curious,’ she muttered. ‘Okay, maybe I was jealous.’ She shook her head, her mortification evident. ‘You never even looked at me.’
‘Of course I didn’t.’ He was shocked into speaking frankly. ‘You were a child who hid in the kitchen all the time. I hardly saw you. And, yes, I was having a good time with other distractions. I needed those distractions then.’
‘Because of your father and Naomi?’
Her soft question pierced his cool armour.
‘I hated her.’
He was so shocked by Katie’s confession, by the tired confusion in his head, that the truth washed out of him. His father’s new wife had made them leave the home he loved and then...
‘She took everything from me. She made him—’ He broke off and strove for simplicity. ‘He died and I blamed her. I still do.’
His father’s heart had already been broken, but Naomi had delivered the fatal blow.
He glared at Katie, angered at what she’d made him reveal, but somehow unable to stop more words tumbling out. ‘I was alone. It felt good. I’m not going to apologise for that.’
It hurt enough to admit even this. The truth was he’d been miserable. Bereft and grieving. And at the time he hadn’t handled what was happening. The welcome of those lovers had been a brief respite from the bruising reality of his world being ripped apart.
‘I was...’
‘Seeking solace?’ Katie finished his sentence softly.
He stilled. Solace? No. Not solace. That sounded too romantic, too refined. It attached too much meaning to what had been...
‘No, it was just an escape,’ he corrected her, blinding himself to the welts on his heart as he spoke. ‘Sex feels good.’
‘It’s always just physical?’ She frowned. ‘Orgasms for everyone?’
He stiffened. ‘Everyone loves a good orgasm, Katie, even you.’
‘So there isn’t an emotional connection?’
Her query caused him discomfort... He wasn’t a user. He was a giver, right?
‘I always ensure my partner has a good time,’ he said, avoiding answering the actual question.
But she’d got what she wanted anyway. She’d exposed his shallow soul and he was angry with her. Because maybe it wasn’t about all those women he’d been with at that time. Maybe he had just been seeking a fix—as temporary as it had been. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to confront the hurt he’d been hiding from. He still didn’t.
Yet even as he justified and deflected he felt flawed. Flayed. And he didn’t like what she’d found in him.
‘Yes,’ Katie said, her face falling. ‘I get that now.’
/> That was a knowledge she had because of him.
The thought of her enjoying escapist sex with some other guy skyrocketed his blood pressure.
‘Damn it, Katie.’ He frowned and sighed heavily.
‘Maybe I was naive and judgey before.’ She clutched her cup closer to her chest. ‘But I’m right about stopping this now. You know I’m right.’
Yeah, as much as he hated the idea, he agreed with her. And he could hardly argue with her when he was the one who’d told her to speak up for what she wanted.
‘Okay.’ He nodded. ‘No problem. I can handle a woman saying no to me.’
‘Really?’ As she turned he glimpsed something sharp in her eyes. ‘That’s not a challenge? Isn’t it always a game to you?’
‘It was when you were lying to yourself about how much you wanted me,’ he said roughly, resenting the way she was challenging him now.