‘Don’t try to push me away. It won’t work.’
‘I’m trying to do the right thing,’ she whispered.
‘Then do the right thing, the right way.’
And what was the right thing?
She knew already. Being honest. Being brave. Speaking up.
‘What is it you really want?’ he asked softly. ‘Tell me what you really want.’
She licked away a tear that had tumbled down to her lips. A pointless action as several more immediately followed the track of the first.
‘Caitlin?’
She knew that look on his face. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to hold her close. More than anything she wanted that too. But she couldn’t. She was too selfish. And he needed to know that.
‘I want you,’ she cried. ‘But I can’t have you. Not the way I want. I can’t cope with being left alone time and time again. I know it’s pathetic of me. I know what you do is so important. Much more important than anything else. Than me.’ She dragged in a jerky breath. ‘But I don’t want to stop you doing what you have to. What kind of person would I be if I tried? I can’t—’
‘Stop.’ He slid his hands from her shoulders down her back to her waist, pulling her close, cradling her against him. ‘It’s okay. Darling, it’s going to be okay.’
‘It’s not. It can’t be.’ Her words were muffled against his chest. She wanted him here for her—all for her. And he couldn’t be.
‘I would do anything for you,’ he breathed into her ear. ‘Listen to me. Anything.’ He bent his forehead to hers. ‘If you asked me to walk away from my job, I’d do it in a heartbeat.’
Her hand fisted in his shirt. ‘I’d never ask you to do that.’
‘I know.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, lifting her head, trying to get a grip on herself. ‘I want too much. It’s not right how much I want from you.’
‘Sure it is. It’s okay to want it all from me.’ His smile was crooked and sweet and heartbreaking. ‘Don’t just demand what you want from me in bed, but in everything. Ask me for it all. Because all I have to give is yours.’
She shook her head.
He moved, quickly framing her face with gentle hands—stopping her from denying him.
‘I’ve never felt so empty as when I got home and you weren’t there,’ he said, a hurried low tumble of words. ‘I haven’t felt that afraid in a long, long time.’
Caitlin swallowed hard.
‘I thought I had it all figured,’ he said. ‘That I was okay. That I’d worked everything through in my past, found the career I could live for. That I was happy. But you were right in that I’d gone too far in that direction. I’d isolated myself—shut out my family. I had no idea I was lonely. I was using work—all that travel—to plug a hole I didn’t realise was there. Then you landed, claiming that spot, filling the emptiness, warming me. I want you back there.’
‘Not me.’ She shook her head. ‘It’s just you needed a holiday—’
‘No.’ His sharp laugh broke in the middle. ‘I needed you. Your challenge, your determination, your humour. Your laughter. You woke me up. Warmed me up. Made me realise everything I’ve been missing. And everything that I want. It’s all you.’
‘But—’
He kissed her. Deeply, sweetly. Lovingly.
Caitlin had no chance. She sank into it, already lost. He’d come for her—for all of her.
‘I’m not going to leave you again,’ he said.
He’d given her everything. Only now she knew she couldn’t accept it. ‘You have to. You have places to go. People to help.’
‘There are plenty of people to help in New York.’
She shook her head. ‘You love what you do.’
‘Okay.’ He nodded. ‘I do. But I can find a different balance. Because I love you more.’
Caitlin trembled, the tears instantly springing to her eyes again. It was the one thing she’d never thought she’d hear from anyone. And to hear it from him?
‘Stay in New York.’ He urged her closer with hands and words and heat. ‘Find a job in a theatre. Design costumes. Stay with me.’
Warmth exploded in her chest. He meant it—he wanted her, needed her, loved her. Her courageous, generous man. And suddenly she felt strengthened. Secure.
Suddenly she knew she could share him, because she understood he’d always come home to her.
‘I love you.’ She put her hand to his face. ‘And I will stay. I’ll love you. And I’ll be there for you when you get back. But you have to keep doing your assignments.’
He gazed at her, his cocoa eyes searching, softening. ‘Not as many,’ he said. ‘There are other things I need too—time with my family. Time with you. And that’s okay.’
‘Yes.’
‘But what if...?’ He paused and drew in a juddering breath. ‘What if you sometimes came with me? I know it’s not easy, but you could help in so many ways,’ he said in a rush. ‘Make clothes? Entertain people? Give a couple of kids something to smile at? Just offer comfort? Chocolate? Hell.’ He drew another breath. ‘Be there for me.’
She’d go anywhere for him. ‘I’d like that.’
He kissed her again. His hands pressed her closer, his hold tightening almost enough to crush her. She loved it.
‘We’ll stay outside the spotlight,’ he continued, that loveable wicked look lighting his eyes. ‘No scandal. Just a boring loved-up couple.’
He was offering it all to her. No longer alone, she had the one person she needed most. The one person who believed in her. Who saw worth in her. Who wanted to be with her more than he wanted anything else.
She lifted her hand to his face. ‘You couldn’t be boring if you tried.’
He chuckled, his hands sliding over her curves again—less of a cuddle now. Way more carnal. ‘Nor can you.’
She wriggled closer. ‘We’ll create our own, personal outrageous headlines, right?’
‘What are you thinking?’ His voice dropped into wicked territory.
‘I’m thinking, Couple Break Hostel Bed.’
James threw his head back an
d laughed. ‘Because of vigorous and energetic sex?’ He put his hands on her hips and tugged her tight against him. ‘What about Former Teen Soap Star’s Three Day Love-In at City Hostel. And of course, Hostel Occupants Complain About Loud Screams of Ecstasy.’
Giggling, Caitlin nodded enthusiastically.
‘So what do you say?’ He waggled his eyebrows.
Caitlin knew there was only one answer and it had to be shouted multiple times.
‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’
* * * * *
Keep reading for an excerpt from BACKSTAGE WITH HER EX by Louisa George.
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ONE
Hiding out in the gents’ toilets backstage at the London Arena was not one of Sasha Sweet’s personal highs. VIP toilets they might have been but, gold taps be damned, she wanted to go home.