Bad Teacher

No reason to deny the fact that I’m totally and utterly falling in love with this man.

This man … my professor. My teacher.

When we’re finished showering, he even dries me off with a towel, taking extra care to be gentle on my sore bits. He knows exactly where it hurts just by glancing at my face whenever he passes a certain spot. He’s diligent, almost as if he’s petting something precious to him, and I can’t help but smile at him each time he looks at me.

We go back into the living room, and I gather my clothes off the floor while he throws his in the washing bin. I attempt to put my clothes back on, but then I hear his voice right behind me. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” I say. “Putting on my clothes so I can go home. You don’t expect me to walk back naked, do you? That’d be cruel. I mean, I’ll do a lot of things for you, but my answer to that would be fuck you.”

He laughs and wraps his hand around my waist, pulling me in for a soft kiss right underneath my ear. “Relax. I’m not asking you to do anything … except stay.”

I suck in a breath.

Stay.

Did he just say that out loud or was I fantasizing?

He walks in front of me, grabbing my hand and guiding me toward his bedroom. I stumble behind him, feeling like a lost sheep as he takes me to his bed. I don’t refuse as he pulls me closer and sits down on his bed, pulling me onto his lap. All I can do is stare at his beautiful eyes as he pulls me down on the bed with him. My head rests on his chest and his hand on my back. Our naked bodies aligning, our breathing synchronized. The darkness and silence in the room take over, but it doesn’t make me feel alone or afraid.

I have the sound of his heartbeat filling me with warmth and his scent to keep me company, and at that moment, for just a few seconds, I don’t feel like we’re student and teacher anymore.

“What does this mean?” I ask, breaking the silence.

“What?”

“Us …”

He turns his head toward me, his fingers still gently thrumming my skin. “You mean us lying in bed together?”

I smile and trail my fingers along his chest. “That too … I mean, you’ve never invited me to stay.”

“Never?” He ponders it over. “Hmmm … Well, there’s a first time for everything.”

“I know. I just wonder what it means. Like, what does this mean? Us, together.” I really don’t know how to word it without sounding like an obsessive girlfriend. Or without scaring him to the point of chasing me away.

His brows draw together, and his lips turn to thin lines. “Nothing. It’s just sex. And now, we’re going to sleep.” He turns on his side, away from me.

“Nothing,” I repeat, mulling it over a bit. After a while, I ask, “Is that what you want?”

He glances at me over his shoulder. “Maybe.”

“Maybe?” I give him a stupid face. “Is that all you’re gonna say?”

“You’re not easily satisfied, are you?” he says.

“No,” I say, shrugging and laughing it off.

“Well, that’s as much as you’re going to get from me for now.”

“For now …” I say. I like that word.

I like for now and maybe. They’re better than no and never.

“How many times are you going to repeat my words?” he muses.

I stare up at the ceiling. “As many times as needed to get the point across.”

Now, he turns to face the ceiling too. Totally not awkward or anything. “And what point is that?”

“The point that we’re in limbo and I don’t know what to think of it.”

“I like limbo,” he says, a smug smile on his face as he gazes at me.

“I don’t,” I say, folding my hands.

He sighs and closes his eyes. “Let’s just get some rest, okay?”

“I’m not tired.”

“Well, I am. It’s late, and we’ve done a lot of … physical exercise.”

I laugh at those words. He goes through so much trouble just to avoid the topic, it’s funny.

“I think I like you more than just for the sex,” I blurt out.

I didn’t mean to, it just slipped out of me because it’s been on the tip of my tongue for a while now.

Fuck.

Now, I feel embarrassed.

Why did I have to say that out loud?

And in such a stupid way?

When he doesn’t respond, I breathe a soft sigh of relief, glad he didn’t hear it.

Maybe he was already asleep.

“Good night, Hailey.”

Fuck.

So he did hear it.

He just doesn’t wanna reply.

My heart sinks to a new all-time low, and I suddenly feel cold to the bone. I turn away from him and tuck my head deep into the pillow, trying not to make a noise as I slam my face into it, wishing I’d never opened my mouth. I ruined a great evening. No, screw that, I ruined whatever good thing we had. I grab the covers and pull them up to my neck, hoping he’ll fall asleep soon so I can squirm out and get away before things get more awkward the next morning.