Left with his own company again, Sander fought the depth of his outrage and poured a stiff drink. He tried to concentrate on practicalities. Naturally he would have to repay Anatole the sum of money the older man had expended to save Crystal’s skin. These days Crystal was more her son-in-law’s responsibility than Anatole’s. Sander had often suspected that Tally must have suffered a cruelly insecure childhood, for her mother was selfish and irresponsible. Yet Tally had never held Crystal’s flaws against her.
In fact, when it came to the people she loved, Tally had a generous and forgiving spirit. Sander had once taken it for granted that his wife loved him but that conviction had died in the aftermath of their child’s death. Now he was dismally conscious that he no longer qualified for a place within her select trusted circle, but he was even more aware that he did not want a wife who had not chosen to be with him of her own free will.
By the second drink he was wondering if he was being entirely honest with himself on that score. After all, men had fought for and held onto women who weren’t mad about them for centuries. Although, it must have been less of a challenge when a wife had had fewer human rights, he reasoned ruefully.
Not even history, however, demanded that he stand back and allow his wife to entertain her lover at his home. Robert Miller was taking advantage of the situation, coming to call and doubtless planning to strike at the optimum moment. Miller was a tactician. Of course he would strike when Sander’s marriage was struggling to survive. It was hard to think of that sad little scrap of humanity upstairs being the cause of so much trouble. His daughter, Sander reflected bleakly, was threatening to cost him his marriage but that did not release him from his responsibility towards her. In any case, a more cynical voice reminded him, the reconciliation that he had had such touching faith in had proved to be nothing but hot air. And who was to say how long the reconciliation would have lasted in such circumstances? Sander squared his broad shoulders, acknowledging the unwelcome truth that Tally had been manipulated by her father into putting her mother’s needs ahead of her own. It was a truth that stung his fierce pride like acid. Most probably, Tally had shared his bed in Morocco because sex was part and parcel of any reconciliation …
CHAPTER NINE
TALLY awoke after another bad dream with a choking sob trapped in her throat.
In the darkness of a strange room it took her a whole minute to find the bedside light. After turning it on, she withdrew her trembling hand from the switch and breathed in slow and deep in an effort to calm her racing heartbeat. Refusing to toss and turn while she struggled to forget the disturbing images in her nightmare, she decided to get up and make herself a cup of tea. There was no way that she was going to let those bad dreams take over her life again. Sliding out of bed, she put on her wrap and left the room.
Lights illuminated the floor above and for a moment Tally stood still to listen. Sadly, Lili was still crying, although the sound was much more muted than it had been earlier. Beyond it she could hear the deeper tone of an adult voice speaking. In a sudden movement, Tally turned and headed for the stairs to the upper floor. The way she had been behaving, anyone might be forgiven for thinking that she was scared of Oleia’s daughter! She was just being nosy, she told herself irritably, and she was also feeling extremely sorry for the youthful nanny who was being left to cope with a baby who would not settle. It was also possible that if she actually saw the baby and put a face to her, she would stop having the nightmare, she reasoned tautly.
But as Tally reached the landing she realised in surprise that the voice she could hear was a man’s rather than a woman’s. She padded quietly along the corridor and came to a halt when she saw that it was Sander standing with his back to the half-open door and the baby draped like a small sagging sack over one broad shoulder. Ironically it was Sander she found herself staring at then, rather than the child. Her tall, well-built husband was barefoot, clad in well-worn denims and a loose linen shirt, and he was pacing the floor in an apparent attempt to soothe the child.
‘Life will get better,’ Sander was saying bracingly, one large hand patting Lili’s back in a strikingly clumsy gesture while she vented a drowsy moaning complaint against his shoulder. ‘I’m good at most things,’ he assured the baby without false humility. ‘I may not look like I’ve got much to offer but I’m a fast learner. If I work at being a father, I will succeed.’
Pleasantly surprised by that determined aspiration on Sander’s part, Tally studied the little red swollen face below the hedgehog fuzz of curly black hair. She could see no resemblance to either Oleia or Sander in those features. Another mournful cry escaped Lili, her tiny mouth opening and closing again, her unhappiness unconcealed.
‘I know what’s important. If you’re in trouble I’ll always be there for you and even if you’re in the wrong I’ll still be there for you,’ Sander intoned intently, clearly having thought in depth about his future role. ‘I won’t expect you to be perfect. I won’t compare you to anyone else. You can be who you want to be with me.’
Touched by what she was hearing, Tally fell back out of view, reluctant to let him see her listening because she knew it would deeply embarrass him. Everything Sander was so keen to offer Lili clearly and simply emphasised the flaws in his own relationship with his parents and he was obviously very aware of those shortcomings. He had continually been judged second-best to his older brother, Titos, who had died before Tally had come into his life. Indeed, his parents had never seemed to approve of anything Sander did and that had included his decision to marry Tally when she was pregnant. It touched Tally’s heart that he was already striving to ensure that he offered his motherless daughter more support than he had ever received.
Having reached certain conclusions that made her feel uncomfortable, Tally was no longer in the mood to seek out a cup of tea and she went straight back to bed. Oleia’s daughter was a harmless baby in no way responsible for her parents’ behaviour, she reflected ruefully. Lili was a little person in her own right, an unhappy child who had already suffered far too many distressing changes in her short existence. Tally could not resent Lili and yet tears of regret still stung her eyes because she could not help thinking that if their son had survived Sander would have made a fine father to him, too. If he could promise to do what was right by his daughter in the midst of so much conflict, he would hardly have offered less to his first child.
Tally then asked herself the question she had been putting to the back of her mind: how would she feel if she were shortly to discover that she had already fallen pregnant again? They had used no form of contraception in Morocco. The current hitch in her menstrual cycle—she was late—might simply be the result of foreign travel and the emotional upheaval she had suffered. But, on the other hand, it could equally well be the first sign that she had conceived for the second time. On the most basic level her heart leapt at the very idea, but on another level she was distressed by the suspicion that their marriage might already be on the rocks again. If that was true she would not be able to give her child the secure background she had been so keen to supply. In the space of days, with the revelation of Lili’s existence, their lives had changed radically and nothing she could do could change that.
The following morning, Sander had left for his London office by the time that Tally came downstairs. She received several sympathetic texts from her sister, Cosima, which made her think warmly about the younger girl and she arranged to see her the next week. Robert Miller, her business partner, drove up to the house on the stroke of noon in a sleek Aston Martin and suggested they talk over lunch at a local restaurant.
Climbing back into his sports car, Robert dealt her slim figure an appreciative appraisal. ‘For someone who has had a tough couple of days you look amazingly well.’
‘Thanks.’ Her whipped cream skin delicately flushed below the straight fall of her dark marmalade hair, Tally withheld the information that Sander was responsible for her fashionable turquoise skirt and fitted top. He had
great taste in clothes and was rather more adventurous with colour than she was. ‘I’m very resilient.’
It was a relief when Robert concentrated on business and while they discussed the monthly returns of her design firm at length over a light meal her tension over the questions she had feared he might ask slowly evaporated. She always enjoyed Robert’s company and in recent months had wondered on several occasions how she might have felt about Robert had she met him before she met Sander. Tall, dark-haired and with bright blue eyes, he was an attractive man and a very successful one, but he had simply not registered on her feminine radar while Sander was around.
Was she one of those women who preferred a bad boy who set her a challenge? Sander had always been a challenge in one way or another. Volatile and unpredictable, he had once seriously doubted the ties that commitment entailed. Although he had married her he had not fallen in love with her. Yet she had fallen like a ton of bricks for him and suffered accordingly. Or was it more a case of her having made a rod for her own back?
For the first time, Tally looked at the other side of the equation. Had her awareness that he would not give her those words of love encouraged the growing disenchantment and distrust on her part that in the aftermath of tragedy had ultimately led to their estrangement? She had held his initial unwillingness to embrace fatherhood against him to the bitter end, hadn’t she? He had not loved her and therefore she had found it easier to believe the worst of him, assuming that he could not possibly be grieving for the child they had lost in the same way that she was. Grief had torn them apart because they had not shared it.
All of a sudden she was painfully conscious that Lili’s advent could affect them in a similar manner. If they did not share the consequences of her arrival in their lives how could their relationship hope to survive? There could be few more divisive factors than the need for a wife to accept another woman’s child. Yet, all over the world thousands of women did exactly that, Tally conceded in exasperation. Step-families, cobbled together from broken and new relationships, were common and many people found themselves raising children to whom they were not related. Such relationships could be particularly challenging and more prone to breakdown and she now fully understood why that was so.
After all, Tally had once expected to be the mother of Sander’s first living child! In addition she had been jealous of Oleia and her history of intimacy with Sander. Oleia might be dead but Lili was the ongoing proof of that intimacy. Get over it, a little voice said harshly inside her head. Had not she walked out on their marriage? Leaving the door open for Oleia and Lili’s conception? Now she needed to concentrate on the bigger picture and acknowledge that Lili was reliant on the goodwill of the adults surrounding her. How much goodwill was she willing to offer that little baby?
For possibly the first time, Tally recognised that she could not have Sander without his daughter. After all, she did not expect him to neglect his child or to give her up, did she? This wasn’t a competition, was it? She also knew that she would never ask him to keep his distance from Lili in the same way that her father’s wife had zealously sought to exclude her from Anatole’s life. Her father had married a possessive woman who felt threatened by Tally’s very existence. There and then, Tally resolved to be more mature and just in her dealings with Sander’s daughter.
‘You’re very quiet,’ Robert remarked on the drive back to the manor.
‘I have a lot on my mind,’ Tally confessed.
‘You shouldn’t be beating yourself up about something that has nothing to do with you,’ Robert pronounced decisively. ‘You need a fresh start.’
Tally raised a wry brow. ‘Another one?’
‘Walk away from him,’ Robert advised as he switched off the car engine outside the house. ‘Right now, your marriage is in a disaster zone and nobody could expect you to make a go of it.’
Uncomfortable with the conversation, Tally climbed out. Robert followed suit and strode round the front of his car to reach out and grip her hands in his.
‘I can’t discuss this kind of stuff with you,’ Tally protested.
‘You deserve better. You were only weeks away from getting a divorce when you went back to him,’ Robert reminded her urgently.
The sound of the front door opening made Tally’s head swivel, green eyes widening in dismay when she saw Sander striding towards them. She tried to tug her fingers free of the other man’s hold but he had too tight a hold on her hands.
‘You’ve got nothing to apologise for and no reason to hide our relationship,’ Robert told her insistently.
‘Get your hands off my wife!’ Sander growled from several feet away.