“Oh my god, what are you doing here?”
I don't look at Maria when I answer, I keep my eyes on my beautiful Avery, so pale and ill. And it kills me inside. “Your brother... told me to come here.” I grab Avery's hand and bring it to my lips, planting a gentle kiss on her knuckles. “Baby, what have you done to yourself?”
“She loves you. I didn't realize how much until this happened.”
I stroke the hair back from Avery's forehead. She's warm, helps me understand that she's alive, still here with me.
Can't remember the last time I cried. Must've been about five. Growing up the way I did didn't leave room for tears. Tears would lead to the older kids beating the crap outta me. Soon learned never to cry. But right now, I can't stop the tears.
“I see now that you really do love her the way she said you did. And I don't know how you convinced my brother to let you come here, but I'm glad he allowed it. Avery really needs you.”
I feel her hand on my shoulder, but my eyes don't leave my girl. “I'll leave you two alone for a moment.” Then she's gone and I'm alone with the woman I love.
I sit down on her bed facing her, just as her eyes flicker open, landing on me. “Danny?”
“It's me, baby. I'm here.”
“You're really here?”
“I'm really here, beautiful.”
“You're here.” Tears cloud her eyes and it tears me the fuck apart. “I thought you were dead.”
“For a while there so did I. But your cousin seems to think it would be better for you if he kept me around. Seems to think you need me.”
“I do,” She sobs and I wipe away her tears with my thumbs. My beautiful girl. “I need you so badly.”
“I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me, baby. As soon as you're well enough, I'm makin' you, my wife.”
“Oh, Danny. Baby, I love you so much.”
“I know, beautiful, and I love you, too.”
I will do anything to keep this girl in my life. Vidal ain't gonna let me off so easily, the man has never been known for that. But now knowing Hammer is his half-brother, it may just be in my favor. As I kiss my girls lips softly, I smile. Maybe things ain't as bad as they seem after all.
Chapter Seventeen
Willow
I can hear my little niece calling for her daddy, second night in a row. She's cried every day we've been here these past few weeks, but he's usually home at night to put her to bed.
She's sobbing for him now. I can hear her from my room. Her room is down the hall next to her parents. This is the second night Tank hasn't been home to put his little girl to bed.
What the hell has Shepard got our men doing?
I open my door, the noise gets louder. Poor baby. I tap Nova's bedroom door. She calls for me to enter. God, she looks exhausted. Her PJ's look rumpled from where she's holding her daughter, her hair is all over the place. Ember isn't much better. She's wearing nothing but a diaper because she's so hot. Her dark hair is stuck to her sweaty face, her little eyes are swollen, she has snot running from her nose to her mouth, and her arms are flagging everywhere.
“I'm so sorry about the noise, Will. She just won't settle, she thinks her daddy's not coming back.” She tells me while wiping the snot from Ember's face with a tissue.
“She's not used to being without him for this long.”
“Me either.” She sighs while putting Ember in her crib. She immediately stands up and screams her little head off.
“I can't take much more of this. I know they're busy,” Nova takes a seat on the edge of her bed, “but the least Tank could do is come home for half an hour before her bedtime. She'd sleep then. Nothing I do will settle her. I can't even put her in her own room.”
“Daddy! Daddy!” Ember holds the word so long my ears feel like they're bleeding. Jesus. Is this what it's like to have a kid? If so, no thank you!
“Mommy, my daddy!” I feel so sorry for both my sister and my niece. It's heartbreaking hearing her cry like this. My sister is about to burst into tears, I can see her trying to fight them.
I walk to Ember's crib and lift her in my arms. “Come on, sweetheart, you're going to make yourself sick. Mamma needs some sleep and so do you.”
“I'm okay, Will, I just feel so sorry for her.”
“Da-a-d-dy.” My chest tightens. I don't know what to tell her. Her sobs are heart-wrenching as she lays her head on my shoulder.
I rock her from side to side while humming a soft tune. She's quietening down, but I can still feel her little body shuddering as sobs. I turn to say something to Nova but she's flat out on her bed, breathing softly, letting me know she's fallen asleep. I smile to myself and kiss Ember's head, still rocking her. “Looks like mommy is exhausted, little one.”
“It does, doesn't it?” I turn quickly, Ember's head shoots up at the same time. Tank's home. Thank God! “Has she been cryin'?”
Seriously? That has to be the dumbest question he's ever asked. Of course, she's been crying!
She holds her little arms out to him, her little fingers flexing in a, come here, kind of way. He takes her with a smile and holds her close to his chest.
“Yeah. Since the moment you walked out the door a couple days ago. It's worse at night, she screams nonstop. At least in the daytime, she has other kids to play with.”
“Daddy's here now, baby.”
“Daddy.” She mumbles sleepily. Seriously? He walks through the door and she's almost immediately asleep in his arms? Jeez, the man has a gift. She makes humming noises while stroking his neck with her little fingers, her eyes are closed, and he rubs her back soothingly.
“Thanks for watching her.”
“No problem. Is Hammer back?”
“No. Shepard's got him out on a job.” Figures.
I try not to sigh dramatically. I just tip my head and bid him goodnight. I guess it's another night alone for me. Another night where I sleep no more than two hours because of the nightmares that plague me each time I close my eyes.
Nightmares about Crack and all the things he did to me in that room. The doctor says I have PTSD. It's mild and I try really hard to fight it. I think I do okay most days. But not having Hammer with me means I can't stop the nightmares from coming.
It's not like I want to dream about that man's hands on my body or him pinning me down and forcing his way inside of me, but I can't seem to stop. It's like I'm right back there with him and I literally feel everything.
I always wake up crying, sweating, not able to escape the nightmare. When I was with Jordan, he'd always wake up right there with me, he'd hold me and tell me everything was okay.
One night, not long after I got out of the hospital, I woke up screaming. Jordan shot up in front of me, took my face in his hands, and woke me up with his soft words. Even though I'd denied it, he knew what happened to me. He knew Crack had raped me more than once and that others had too.
I sobbed as I looked at him. Tears were falling from his eyes. I felt so used and dirty. But do you know what he said to me? ‘I’m so sorry, baby. If I could turn back the clock and save you from all of that, I would in a heartbeat.’
He pulled me into his arms and I let him hold me close. All the while he cried and told me that he loved me. I'll never believe that he didn't love me in his own way, I just don't think he was in love with me. I wasn't in love with him either. We should have only ever been friends.
He may have cheated on me, wanted to leave me, even after the accident. But he was there for me in those moments when I really needed him. And he kept true to his promise never to tell another living soul what happened to me, what Crack did to me.
Not even Hammer knows the truth about what really happened. He may have figured it out from the couple nightmares he's seen me wake up terrorized from, but I haven't told him the truth. I don't want to tell him, I'm scared to. I shouldn't be scared to tell him, but in my mind, Jordan left me because I was tainted.
I know that's not true and emotional
ly he'd left me a long time ago. Then I couldn't sleep with him, not just because I was ill, but because I couldn't bear the thought of having sex with him after what happened.
That wasn't his fault, it was mine.
But it's done with now, I'm not with Jordan any longer, I'm with Hammer. I need to tell him the truth as much as I am scared to. He won't leave me, nor will he cheat on me. He'll understand. I just don't know if I can cause him more pain.
Sometimes, I just want him to hold me and tell me that it wasn't my fault. That I did nothing to make Crack think I wanted what he did to me. Because that fuckin' pig of a man repeatedly threw in my face how much I liked and wanted it.