Shoving aside useless regrets, he nodded at Barbara. “It’s fine. If we run late, you go on to lunch. I can grab a quick sandwich from the deli down the street.”
Crossing the small reception room to his office, Sean closed the door behind him and tried to get his mind off Alessa for now and onto his first patient. The morning sunshine streaming in from the large window behind his desk brightened the dark woodwork and beige carpeting. He credited Barbara for decorating the bland space he leased in the medical park. With artwork of colorful gardens, and flowering indoor plants her green thumb kept thriving, his office and reception room were inviting and relaxing for people who struggled with emotional issues.
When Barbara knocked a few hours later and opened the door to announce Alessa’s arrival, Sean thought he’d prepared himself to treat her as a patient instead of the submissive he’d last seen who’d suffered from a piss poor Dom. One look at her pale face and nervous fingers proved him wrong. The urge to take control, order her to sit down and talk to him, threatened his professionalism, something he took pride in. With supreme effort, he reined in the craving responsible for him maintaining his single status and stood to greet her.
“Thank you, Barb. Alessa, I was pleased when I saw you’d called.” Waving his hand to the wide, padded armchair in front of his desk, he invited, “Have a seat.”
“I’d rather stand since I’m not sure how long I’ll stay,” she replied, turning her back on him to admire a painting on the far wall. “This is pretty.”
Sean resumed his seat, wishing he could just insist she plop her ass in the chair. “It is, yes. Tell me what made you decide to come to me.” Sometimes it paid to surprise a patient with a blunt request. Her shoulders stiffened, the splash of sunlight bringing out the red highlights in her blonde hair cascading to her upper back.
“Because… I’m having trouble finding what…” He heard her exhale then she began to pace in nervous indecision, anxiety pouring off her in waves as she kept her face averted from him. He’d had other patients portray the same amount of uncertainty over talking about personal matters to a man they didn’t know, but none who pulled at every dominant urge he possessed.
Sean remained quiet, let her work through whatever was holding her back. Patience was his strong suit, but the longer she kept silent, the more she fidgeted with her fingers, the harder it was to keep from ordering her compliance. The few times he’d seen her at the group’s social functions, she’d kept this insecure side of hers well-hidden, which told him she’d either been searching for answers or hiding from her needs for some time.
The navy slacks she wore clung to her rounded ass despite the loose fit, and the easy-fitting cream blouse failed to disguise the shape of her full breasts. His cock stirred when he recalled the display of her lush body both on the St. Andrew’s cross and spanking bench, how she would arch for more from those Doms without saying a word. Regardless of his body’s decision to wake up after several months of disinterest and the fact she possessed the soft, yielding body type he preferred, he reminded himself she was here as a patient.
Prodding her, Sean suggested, “Why don’t you sit down and tell me something easier. How about your family? Do they live in Miami?”
Alessa stopped pacing and looked at him, the color of her eyes making him think of the aged whiskey he favored, the look in them delivering the same effective sucker-punch after too much indulgence. “That’s easy. I don’t have any family. Do you?”
He nodded, surprised at her answer. Everyone had someone. “My dad is still around, and his sister. There’s no one? No siblings, an aunt or uncle?”
Her mouth tilted up at the corners in a derisive smile. “No one, at least that I know of. It’s hard to know for sure since I was told I was abandoned at a fire station and claimed to be ‘almost three’.” She answered using finger quotes.
“You were in foster care,” he stated, that tidbit shedding a lot of light on her background and self-doubts. “Never adopted?”
“Nope, never,” Alessa quipped. The way she averted her face again gave away her unease with the topic despite her light tone.
She suffered from abandonment issues, Sean surmised as he leaned back in his chair, rested his elbows on the arms and steepled his hands under his chin. With any other patient, he’d be able to sit here and watch them agitate over their low self-esteem without it affecting him, but her distress tore at him in a way he hadn’t experienced since he’d watched with helpless anxiety as his mother self-destructed.
“Sit down, Alessa,” he ordered, using the low, commanding tone he normally reserved for dealing with the subs he chose to play with. She surprised him by obeying without hesitation, turning and sinking onto the chair before worrying her fingers again. Why had he never noticed that habit before? “I know how close you and Krista are, and that oftentimes, not even a good friend can fill the void left by a lack of family. But that’s not what you were searching for at the clubs, or why you didn’t tell Krista about your first visit.” When she remained silent, he added in a softer tone, “You know you can trust me, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. It took guts, and a desire to find answers, to make that call.” As much guts as it had taken to go to Chains and try another Dom after her bad experience at Dominion. He had to admire that trait even if he didn’t approve of the way she’d gone about things.
She chuckled, her mouth curling with mockery again. “I’m the last person anyone would think had guts. Are you sure you’re good at reading people?”
Oh, yeah, and I’m reading you loud and clear. “You don’t think it took courage to go to a BDSM club for the first time, alone? To submit to not one, but two strangers even after the first proved to be such a disappointment?”
Alessa hesitated, dug at a hangnail Sean wished he had the authority to demand she stopped, and then looked him in the eye for the first time. “What I say, anything I tell you, stays between us, right?”
“Absolutely.”
“What about your friends? You’re as close to them as I am to Krista.”
He nodded behind his hands, keeping his gaze steady on her. “Yes, we are. But I take my profession seriously, Alessa, and all I can tell you is that whatever goes on between us, in this room, stays in this room and between just us.”
The deep breath she inhaled lifted her breasts, and he itched to reach out and push her worrying hands apart. He waited for what seemed like forever for her to continue, letting her gather her thoughts. When she finally spoke, her words almost jolted him out of his seat.
“I’ve never been… satisfied with any of my relationships, and there’ve been a lot of them. I spent way too much time bed-hopping in college, and nothing clicked.”
And no one stayed, just like your parents. Sean was getting a clearer picture of her, but he let her finish before drawing a final conclusion.
“It was after I met Krista and saw how much she benefitted from her husband’s control that I knew what I wanted, just as I knew I craved more than just a dominant partner for sex. The last shrink I confessed to about my desire to turn complete control of myself over to a man, said I wasn’t normal and wrote out a list of meds he recommended—along with a stint in the psych ward,” she finished in a defensive rush, her cheeks turning pink with that stark admittance.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Alessa,” Sean assured her, but how he managed to keep his tone neutral was beyond him. His whole adult life he’d refrained from getting too involved with a woman, from letting any relationship evolve past a fun bout of dominant sex. Like the woman sitting before him, he’d craved total control, only to be the one to wield it. He knew that need stemmed from his father’s refusal to take control of his mother, which had ultimately led to her death. His studies taught him enough about himself to know he’d never find satisfaction in a relationship where he wouldn’t have the authority to use strict dominance to ensure his partner’s well-being.
Sean could give her what she thought she wanted, but that co
uld be a slippery slope. Her need stemmed from people walking away from her. He wouldn’t be doing her any favors to demonstrate what that lifestyle entailed, then be the next person to split from her.
As much as it went against the tightness in his chest at the thought, he had to offer her an alternative. “What you’re speaking of isn’t easy. I could introduce you to the right person, someone you can trust to experience what you think you want.” She winced, and he couldn’t help the swift surge of pleasure that small show of reluctance brought on.
“No, I don’t think so.” Jumping up, she tossed over her shoulder, “Thanks anyway.”
“Stop.” Alessa’s quick obedience sent Sean’s blood rushing in a hot torrent through his veins. God, she had the potential to be a perfect partner for him, but Krista, not to mention Dax, would have his head if she ended up hurt. He waited until she turned back around and looked at him with a question in her eyes.
“When can you return for another appointment? We’ll talk more, I’ll get to know you better, and where your needs are coming from, then we’ll see about a better solution.”
“Thursday, I’m off again.”
“Eleven-thirty. I’ll see you then.” With a nod, she walked out, leaving Sean to wonder at his masochistic offer. Given his interest in what she wanted to try, and his belief a relationship under such strict control could never last, why was he going to torture himself with ‘maybe’ over the next few weeks? Coming up with no answer, he pushed the questions aside and opted to grab a quick lunch before his afternoon began.
CHAPTER 5
Sean’s commanding voice and penetrating grey eyes stayed with Alessa as she drove home. It had seemed so natural to obey him, to sit when he ordered her to, to stop when he commanded. Ceding to his dominance took the choice from her, setting her free to let down her guard, if just a fraction and for just a moment. And it had felt good. Her palms turned sweaty on the steering wheel when she pictured him with his friends, the men he shared a close, special bond with. Could she really trust he wouldn’t reveal their conversations to any of them? She knew he wouldn’t be such a successful psychologist if he had a reputation of violating his clients’ trust, but how many could he have who were interested not only in the sexual lifestyle he practiced, but longed to go one step further in turning over control? Wouldn’t discussing her needs as a submissive be natural for him when he got together with the men who practiced their dominant preferences on a regular basis?
Alessa didn’t know for sure, and therein lay the rub of her dilemma in going forth with his suggestion of returning to get to know her and her desires better. She hadn’t spent as much time around the men in her friends’ group as she had the women, had gotten to know none of them on a personal level, and only knew what little their women had revealed about their backgrounds. As a whole, they were over-protective, sexually dominant and controlling, but that knowledge did little to ease her doubts and insecurities.
“You’re a pathetic mess,” she mumbled as she pulled into her drive. Tuesday night was girls’ night, and they were meeting for dinner at a small restaurant that served the best crab cakes down on the wharf instead of gathering at one of their homes like they’d been doing. That meant less chance for Krista to corner her alone and ask questions she still didn’t have answers to, such as why she’d shied away from Sean’s offer to set her up with a Dom better suited to her needs. Wasn’t that where she’d gone wrong on her own, in trying to pick the right man? With his experience and years of playing in the clubs, she didn’t doubt he would know whom she could benefit from the most, so she didn’t have an excuse for balking at his suggestion.
Alessa found no answers to her questions over the next two days of soul searching, which led her to skip Thursday’s appointment without even calling to cancel. When she heard a car pulling up in front of her bungalow and peeked out the window to see Sandie and Krista walking up to the front door, she wished she’d kept it. Knowing those two, unexpected visits always meant they were here to probe.
Opening the door before they knocked, she leaned against the jamb and crossed her arms, hating them both for looking so good in tight jeans. Alessa wouldn’t be caught dead trying to wiggle her round thighs and fleshy backside into anything that snug. “Gee, to what do I owe your smiling presence today?” Since neither was smiling, she figured they’d catch the sarcasm.
Sandie’s slim, light brown eyebrows dipped into a frown as she pushed past Alessa. “Oh, stuff the attitude, Lessa. After you didn’t say more than two words the other night, you should’ve known we’d be by to grill you.” She reached into the large purse she had slung over her shoulder and pulled out a bottle of wine. “Let’s drink and gab out on the deck.”
“It’s the middle of the afternoon, not girls’ night.”
“Your point?” Krista asked as she walked by her and grabbed three glasses out of a kitchen cabinet. “You coming?” She held open the patio slider, her expression calm while she waited for Alessa’s answer.
“Oh, what the heck.” If I can’t beat ’em, I may as well join ’em.
“I always love sitting out here,” Krista commented, taking a seat on a patio chair that faced the water.
Alessa rented the canal front bungalow from Krista, one reason being the calming view of boats gliding by and the lulling slap of water against the docking. To make up for her disgruntled greeting, she teased her, “You can’t move back in. It’s mine now.”
“As nice as this is,” Sandie drawled, “I’ll bet Krista prefers living with Dax. I know I would.”
“Hey!” Krista pretended to take offense, but her grin proved Sandie’s comment didn’t bother her. “You’ve got your own guy.”
“Yeah, I do.” Sandie’s reply ended with a long sigh of bliss before she pinned Alessa with a direct question. “Okay, give. What’s bothering you? Is it something one of us has done?”
“No… I mean, nothing’s bothering me,” she denied. Sipping her wine, she ignored the way Krista, who knew her best, rolled her eyes.
“Try again, Alessa.”
She knew Krista wouldn’t have told Sandie about Alessa’s visit to Chains, just as she knew showing up today with their mutual friend meant Krista was doubling down in her efforts to get Alessa to open up more. She would resent her for her interference if she weren’t so grateful to have such a caring, loyal friend for the first time.
Sheepishly, Alessa admitted she’d been surprised Krista hadn’t called or stopped by with the knowledge of her visit with Sean the other day. No matter how sincere he’d appeared when he’d said whatever she discussed in his office would stay between them, she hadn’t honestly believed him. If Krista knew, she would have shown up today by herself. Growing up in foster homes, with people who never kept their word or meant what they said, she’d learned early to withhold her trust. But Krista had never betrayed her, and that alone sealed her decision to tell them herself about seeing Sean.
Looking at Sandie, Alessa said, “Please keep this between us.” Leaving out her first BDSM experience at Dominion, she told Sandie about her visit to Chains and seeing Sean there, and his offer to counsel her. “I don’t know if it’s for me, or how much of it, but he left me unsettled, to say the least, following my first appointment on Tuesday. So much so, I didn’t go today.” She winced when she pictured Sean’s stern face. “I guess it was inconsiderate not to call.”
Krista snorted. “You think? Be careful or you’ll find yourself over his lap right there in his office.”
Sandie fanned herself. “God, there’s nothing I like better than being put over Zach’s hard thighs.”
Alessa squirmed in her chair, the image their teasing evoked warming her with soft pulses in places that had no business throbbing right now. Sandie’s easy acceptance of Alessa’s sudden interest in the kinks she and the others had been enjoying the past six months also warmed her, albeit in a different way.
“Well, he’s just offering advice right now. He wanted to introduce me to
another Dom, someone he thought would be better suited to deal with what I might want, but I passed. Right now, the thought of being with another stranger doesn’t sound appealing.”
“I’m surprised Master Sean didn’t offer to scene with you himself,” Krista put in. “But he has seemed to be struggling with his own issues lately. If he does, don’t hesitate, Lessa. He’s not only an excellent Master but can read people well enough he’ll be able to help you define then come to terms with what you want. The guys always complain good-naturedly over the way he knows when they’re grappling with some issue, usually one that has to do with their troubled pasts.”
Alessa didn’t cringe inside when she thought of exploring more of what she craved with Sean as her Dom. She trusted him more than she did most people now she had proof he meant what he said, but given her insecurities, and unconventional desire to turn herself over to a man’s control, that wasn’t saying a whole lot.
“Well, he hasn’t offered, and since I don’t even know where, or how far I want to go from here, I think I’ll just stick to his counseling for now. But thank you, both of you.” She blinked rapidly against the sudden welling of tears. “You’re good friends.”
“And don’t you forget it.” Sandie reached over and squeezed her arm before snatching the wine bottle and refilling their glasses. “It hasn’t been that long since I was alone here in Miami. God knows where I’d be right now if it hadn’t been for Hope’s friendship, and of course for my brilliant plan to hide aboard Zach’s boat.”
With the mood lightened, Alessa enjoyed the afternoon, and when she had to call Zach to come pick up both Sandie and Krista instead of letting them drive after polishing off both bottles of wine Sandie brought, she got a little pay back interference.