The Arcana Chronicles 4: Arcana Rising

He ignored my question. "You look exhausted, Empress." Was that a flare of pity in his eyes?

My own line's Tarasova was beating me down--because I was desperately clinging to my trust in my allies, and to myself as a person.

Yesterday Gran had murmured, "All you have to do is surrender . . . draw on your hatred and pain. Become her: the Empress you were meant to be." My grandmother was trying to "program" me again, to undo the work of shrinks and psych meds. To undo everything Mom had taught me about being decent.

My mind felt like a bloody battlefield. I dreaded going to see Gran, which made me sick with guilt.

Aric said, "Paul could help out with her more."

"He's already with her so much." Whereas I seemed only to frustrate her, he could get her to calm down and even to eat. But he'd also told me she couldn't hold on much longer. "I keep thinking each day will be her . . . last." Couldn't Aric sense impending death? I wondered what he'd say if I asked him for a heads-up.

I also wondered why I wasn't sadder about Gran. Yes, she was being hateful, but she hadn't been during my childhood. At least, as far as I could trust my memories.

Maybe I'd grown so numb to grief that nothing could affect me. What if I'd strangled my heart until it was permanently damaged?

I gazed at Aric and knew the answer to that question. I was grieving for him as much as for Jack, even though Aric was right here in front of me.

I'd lost the love of my life. But the man I considered my soul mate was waiting for me. How much longer could I claw my way through an apocalypse alone?

Studying my face, Aric said, "The Tarasova will no doubt tell you I've harmed her. For the record, I would never hurt her."

"And I would never believe you could."

With a curt nod, he strode past me. "Empress."

I followed him. "If you won't call me sieva, then use my name: Evie."

"I've told you: your ever-changing names don't matter. Empress remains the same."

"E-V. Evangeline, if you must." I trailed him back to his study. "How long are you going to avoid me? You said you'd train me."

He took a bottle and glass to his desk, sinking into his chair. "At present, your grandmother is seeing to your . . . education."

"You'll be happy to hear that Paul doesn't give her long."

"That doesn't make me happy. It doesn't make me anything."

"Because you and I are merely allies. Of a sort."

Shrug.

"So we'll go long stretches at a time without seeing each other?" Sadness washed over me.

"You had planned never to see me again, Empress." His expression grew so enraged that I almost took a step back. "You rode away with that full intention."

"Do you think that was easy for me?"

He hissed, "Effortless." Then he inhaled to get a rein on his temper. "I offered you everything. And you spurned me for another. What's so bad is that I can't fault you."

"What do you mean?"

"Deveaux fought with bravery. He was intelligent. He had cunning and was a born leader. If I was going to lose you to anyone, I would want it to be him."

"I told you I don't want to talk about him."

As if I hadn't spoken, Aric continued, "I hated him at first, was seething with jealousy when the two of you were together. But through your memories, I learned a lot about him. I saw what he'd struggled against as a boy. I comprehended his frustrations and his dreams." Aric shot his glass, and poured another. "I needed to continue hating Deveaux, but ultimately I liked him. Which made everything more confusing."

I took my usual seat. "The night you two got drunk together, something changed."

Nod. "And when we fought together. Plus he was the only man on earth who understood the way I had felt about you, the only other man who dreaded your coming decision."

Had felt about me. Past tense. Was Aric moving on? From the one woman he could touch?

He gave a humorless laugh.

"What?"

"I know this will be difficult for you to understand, but Jack was the closest thing I've had to a friend since my father died."

A pang twisted in my chest. "I had that thought. In a different time or circumstance, you two would have been fast friends."

"At the fort, I shared more whiskey with him, and we talked for hours. Toward the end of the night, I explained all the things I could offer you. He agreed to march without you--in order to make it easier for you to leave with me. But he told me a very real truth."

"Which was?"

"He said, 'If Evangeline Greene wants something, she's going to get it. If she sets her sights on me, it'll happen, whether I want better for her or not.'"

"I've set my sights on things right now, but I'm not getting them."

Aric tilted his head. "Such as?"

"Revenge against Richter."

He released a breath. "Leave me, Empress."

I didn't move. "I want us to read together and talk into the night. I want to be friends again."

"Spend time with you as a friend? Impossible."

"Why?"

His eyes flashed. "Because I don't want merely a friend. I want my wife!"

"Can't we just . . . see how things go?"

"We are wed. Yet it seems I am the only one who cares about that detail."

I almost pointed out that he hadn't seemed to care about that detail when he'd tortured me.

Aric raised his full glass, peering into the clear liquid. "I am disgusted with myself for continuing to desire you like this." Appearing lost in thought, he absently said, "In a moment of weakness, will I beg?" He glanced at me, seeming shocked by what he'd admitted. He abruptly stood. "I might not fault you for your decision. But it still gutted me. When I told you something died in me that day, I meant it." He started toward the study door.

I blocked his path.

"Move out of the way. Damn you, I won't be a stand-in substitute. Cease tormenting me."

"You do still love me."

He squared his shoulders. "I didn't say it lightly."

"You think I did?"

"Perhaps once you told me of your love, you should not have told me good-bye directly after."

I winced. "What do you want from me?"

"What I can never have: for you to have chosen me!" His fists clenched. Even now he was fighting not to touch me. "When you rode away, you looked back at me, and for a second I thought you were going to turn around."

"So did I."

His lips parted. "It was that close?"

"When I faced Vincent, he searched my heart and saw it was divided. He said that I loved two men equally."

"You told me as much on the way here after you were bitten by the Bagmen."

And then I'd forgotten what I'd said.

Aric's eyes glittered; I could feel his yearning. He wanted to believe so badly. "What do you expect from me?"

"Closeness and trust," I told him. "I expect you not to treat me like an enemy. Or a stranger." I laid my hand on his arm, and his muscles flexed to my fingers. "With our lives on the line"--Richter, I'm coming for you--"we shouldn't be divided like this."

"Imminent peril is your reason for seeking more time with me?" He drew my hand from him. "Armor or no, I've got your dagger in my chest. You love to twist it."

I was saying all the wrong things. "That's not what I meant! I regretted so much with Jack, so many things I wished I'd done or said. When I couldn't find you, I felt those same regrets. Then . . . then you were there. Alive. When I die, will you regret not spending this time with me?"

"I vow to you, Empress, you will never die before me," he said, turning to stride away.

But he tensed when I whispered, "That's what I'm afraid of."

32

Day 444 A.F.

"You look like utter hell," Circe told me.

"I wish you'd stop sugar-coating things, Water Witch."

Over a month had passed since I'd first heard my grandmother's voice in the nursery. For so long, I'

d dreamed of our reunion. I'd had such great intentions, and yet everything had gone to hell.

Each day I watched her deteriorate. Sometimes she would rail at me with so much venom, Paul would have to rush inside the room to calm her. Other times, she rambled, barely lucid.

As much as she'd been talking, she hadn't answered any of my questions. For instance, I still didn't know why Aric had approached her.