“Tell me.”
“I see that son of a bitch fucking some cheerleader’s brains out!”
Jessa’s eyes widen, and she presses her hand to her mouth. “Oh, honey, I’m so, so sorry.”
I wave away her condolences. “I don’t want pity, Jess. I just want another beer.”
She nods and bends below the counter to get me another. She takes a bottle opener and removes the cap in one expert flick of her wrist before sliding it across the bar.
“Let me know if I can get you anything else, hon.”
“You’re a life saver, Jess.” I put the cool bottle against my lips and take a long pull. The liquid slides like ice down my throat and settles in my empty stomach.
But two beers in, I still remember the smell of musk and steam in the locker rooms. Why am I so surprised? I knew being with Carl was a long shot. Let’s face it: hunky football players aren’t exactly into short, chubby nerds. Why didn’t I read into the long bouts where he wouldn’t text me back no matter how many times I texted him? How could I miss the fact that he’s always been strangely vague about his whereabouts when I ask?
I turn my head at the sound of someone entering the bar. To my dismay, it’s Trent, and my emotions rush up again.
“Hey, Jess, watch this for me,” I say. Then, like a banshee on a warpath, I begin to approach my prey. Trent sees me coming, and he raises his hands in surrender. He starts to back out of the bar, but it’s too late.
“Hey!” I shout as I follow him outside. “Thanks for telling me that my boyfriend is a cheating bastard! I really appreciate the heads up.”
“I tried to warn you, Pepper.” He has his car door open now, but he hasn’t gotten inside yet. “I really did.” The look on his face is ashamed, but I don’t care. I’m too drunk to really focus on anything except my own rage.
“No. You did everything you could to keep Carl’s secret and to keep me from finding out the truth.”
He gives me a helpless look, his hand tightening on the car door. “He’s my teammate, Pepper. I can’t just sell him out.”
I laugh because if I don’t, I’ll cry. “Yeah, you’re all so loyal. You’re all so there for each other. Brotherhood and all that bullshit, right? But when it comes to someone else, a girl maybe … well, she doesn’t matter at all, does she?”
Trent just stands there, unable to say anything in reply. He doesn’t have to because his silence is enough of an answer.
“Fuck you for helping him keep his dirty secret, Trent.”
I whirl away with tears in my eyes, and the only sound in my ears is the echo of my words.
After three beers, the memory of Carl’s voice is starting to seem far away.
Of course he wasn’t really interested in me. Karly is tall, beautiful, and she’s in killer shape with cheerleader legs. I, on the other hand, am just so ugly and fat. Did I ever deserve him in the first place? I know I’ll never have another man as handsome as Carl love me.
“Pepper, you know that’s not true,” Jessa says with a worried look.
Was I speaking out loud? I didn’t even notice. I must be well on my way to getting drunk, but at least I can still see straight.
“It is true, Jess.” I hate how whiny my voice is, but I can’t stop myself. “I just wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to date him.”
She lays her hand on top of mine. Her fingers are cold from handling so many drinks, but they squeeze mine reassuringly. “I get that, hon, but why don’t you try taking this as a learning experience? Now you’ll never fall for someone like Carl ever again. I know it hurts, but you’re going to come out of this smarter and stronger.”
“I don’t know, Jess…”
“I do. You’re beautiful, Pepper. There will be other guys, and unlike that asshole, they’ll treat you the way you deserve.”
“Do you really think so? Or are you just trying to cheer me up?” I want to believe her. I really do. But my heart just feels so heavy in my chest. I can’t see this as anything but a loss. The pretty bartender smiles sympathetically.
“Can’t it be both? I know that there are plenty of men out there who would throw themselves at your feet, and I’m telling you this because it’s true. You need to love yourself, Pepper.”
The words strike a chord somewhere deep inside me. I still just want to die, but could learning to love myself really help me? Maybe it will. Someday. I smile blearily.
“Right now, Jess, I feel like I need to do something crazy to get over him.” She grins.