“I . . . thank you,” I whisper, blinking back tears that burn my eyes. He looks so innocent watching me as I reach for the candy. His fingers brush along mine. It’s a tender touch, and my lungs give out. “I have to go.” I spin on my heel and race through the hallways.
Heartache takes hold of me as I glance at the clock sitting on the archway leading to the restrooms. I’m going to be late for class, but I can’t walk in there like this. I’m a mess.
I push open the door, find an empty stall, and lock myself inside. And the tears fall. I finally allow them to break free. The wrapper in my hand is soaked, the tears for the boy who reminded me of my past that I no longer have.
I can’t move on, even if that’s what the stranger was trying to insinuate. He didn’t overtly come out and tell me he likes me, but the way he flirted gave enough indication of it.
I am no longer a normal girl.
When I was a kid, I was always different.
When I was a teen, I was never the same.
And now that I’m in college, considered an adult because I’m over eighteen, I still feel like a stranger. I pull out my cell phone. Opening the photos, I scroll to one in particular. The smiling face of JD looks back at me. The memory of him being right there beside me is visceral.
I don’t know how much longer I can ignore the fact that I’m not whole at all. I grab some tissue. Blowing my nose and swiping at my tears, I breathe deeply, attempting to calm down.
When I pull open the stall door, a girl looking in the mirror smiles at me. She’s pretty, blonde with big blue eyes. The complete opposite of me. I always wondered why JD would be with me when girls like that looked at him, wanted him.
But then when he told me he loved me, I knew he didn’t see the outside; he loved the inside. Appearances fade. But if you connect on a deeper level, it makes a relationship so much more profound.
Without him here, I feel broken.
Fractured.
And I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.
Chapter Ten
Autumn
Even though we aren’t living in a penthouse, my mother made our home beautiful, comfortable. And even though I could never shop on Fifth Avenue, I knew that my life was full. Until I met him. Until I found fulfillment in my friendship with JD.
Days, weeks, and months all meld into each other. No messages, no letters. Nothing. It’s been difficult, but I’ve managed to get up in the morning, shower, and get dressed. Other than that, my time is being spent indoors. Even just the thought of going to the park makes me want to cry.
My mother’s been trying to console me, talking me through the broken heart, but somehow, her words only seem to make me more emotional. Each time she sits with me, I know she’s only trying to help, but it makes the pain worse.
All the photos of JD and me are scattered around my bedroom. Memories that seem so distant it feels as if it were lived by another person. And I’m only looking in from the outside. Perhaps I am. Maybe it truly was all in my mind.
Sighing, I push off the bed and pad into the living room. The sun streams through the patio doors, and I settle in the warmth of the sofa. I curl up and pick up a book, trying to get my mind off what’s happened. The only thing that’s even remotely kept me sane is singing. Losing myself in a song, I’ve been able to remember him and not break down since the first night he left.
I’ve watched his video so many times. And even now, as my eyes try to scan the words, to take in the story, I can’t. My mind isn’t focused on the here and now. It’s continuously living in the past, remembering things that were once happy memories, but now they only seem to hurt.
Setting the book down on the table, I lie still, looking at the fireplace where I remember sitting on the rug in front of the roaring flames with JD while we tried to roast marshmallows. My mother brought us warm cocoa while we ate the sticky sweet candy and laughed about how much snow we got caught in while we were trying to get home.
I was so cold that day. My feet felt like they were about to fall off from being frozen, but JD made me take my shoes off the moment we got home and sat me in front of the orange flames to defrost.
I think back to the moment I, without a doubt, knew I loved JD. And I can’t help but smile a teary grin.