It all sounds very reasonable. A normal person should get it. But I’m not a normal person and what I get is this: I cannot live with the fear that one day, he’ll leave in anger and simply never return. I know what it feels like to live in fear. I spent the night in fear. Worrying. Frightened. Feeling lost and exposed. Never again. I stand up.
“I’m sorry Ace. I just can’t.”
“Please don’t do this, Lexi, we can work through it,” Ace says.
My heart expands to painful proportions. If there is anything that my time with Ace has taught me, it’s that I am not capable of this relationship thing. My heart is too hardened. I take long to forgive. Another woman would move past the fear. But not me. I’m not cut out for relationships. I understand Ace’s need to get away. To be alone to think things through. But I can’t understand why he couldn’t tell me. Ease my worries. And I am not going to stick around waiting for the next time he does the same thing.
“Can you help me carry the cases to my car?” I ask him politely. I’ve crammed as much as I can into two suitcases. I can always come back for the rest of them. Ace sees something in my eyes that tells him I mean business.
He stands up and dips his hands into the pocket of his pants. “Is this it for us, Lex? We’re breaking up our family because we can’t work through our problems?”
The tears come then and pain sluices across my chest. “We have too many issues. Too much against us. We started this thing on the wrong foot, and we can never right it.”
“We can, Lexi. Have faith in us. We were doing so well,” Ace says.
“I’m sorry. I’ve made up my mind,” I tell him and wipe off the tears with the back of my hand. “You’ll find someone else.”
I don’t know why I say that. Jealousy spears through me at the thought of Ace with another woman.
His features harden. “Should I find another daughter too?”
***
Ace follows us in his car and when we get home, he carries the cases to the door. I love him so much; my heart feels like it’s breaking into a million pieces. Am I making a mistake?
Then I remember the sheer torture of last night. What-if situations run through my mind, the possibilities frightening me. I remember the night when Luna was conceived and the Ace leaving without a warning that he would be gone for two years.
He never told his family either. He just took off. Ace is not a person that I can depend on. He’s sweet and kind and strong—when he’s there. But the moment his brain tells him it’s time to go, he does so without a backward glance or explanation.
And that is the Ace that I cannot live with.
It’s nine in the morning and I can see a few curtains across the street being parted. That doesn’t bother me. Vanessa and I have been the subject of gossip all our lives.
I carry Luna to the porch where Ace is standing. He takes her from my arms.
“You can see her any time you want,” I tell him.
“Helen will continue watching her, right?” Ace says.
“Yes,” I tell him.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” Ace says. His eyes are bloodshot and puffy.
Of course, this is not what I want but it’s what I have to do. I am suddenly grateful for the life that I’ve lived. It is what enables me to make difficult decisions no matter how much they hurt.
But when I look at Ace, I don’t feel proud of myself. I want to burst into tears. I want to hurl myself into his arms. Instead, I nod. “Thanks for everything.”
He opens his mouth to say something and seemingly changes his mind. He hands Luna to me.
“Do you want me to carry the suitcases in for you?” he asks.
“No, I’ll be fine, thanks.” We speak formally. Like a man from a moving company and his client.
He kisses Luna one more time, stares at her with such a look of dejection that I almost change my mind. He turns and strolls toward his car. Tears fill my eyes as he walks away. At that moment, I know what I’ve lost. I’ve lost a chance at love and at happiness.
But for me, the price is too high. I turn and open the front door. A stench hits me as soon as I go in. Stale alcohol.
What have I done, I mumble to myself as I stare at the mess in the living room. The coffee table is strewn with beer cans, spilled beer drying on the surface, and two plates with leftover food. Tears fill my eyes. Luna wiggles to be put on the ground.