She twisted her hands together. “I know I don’t have any right to be — demanding, but it hurt to find out that Richard knew about your trip before I did.”
“You have every right to be demanding. I am your boyfriend. I should have told you first.”
“Are you my boyfriend?” she whispered.
“I’m more than that. I am your lover.”
Gabriel’s words and his voice, low and sensual, sent a shiver up her spine.
“Even though we aren’t having sex?”
“Lovers are intimate with one another in many different ways. But you need to know that I desire all intimacy with you and only you. So the term boyfriend is inadequate. And I’m very sorry I hurt your feelings. My trip to Italy came up when Richard and I discussed the house because it affected our arrangements.
“I received the invitation from the Uffizi months ago, long before you came to Toronto. I wanted to bring it up, but I was putting it off until we were more — comfortable with one another.”
She peered over at him with interest.
“I wanted your Christmas gift to be a trip to Florence. Of course I don’t want to go alone. The thought of leaving you behind, of being separated from you — ” His voice grew rough. “I was worried you’d refuse, that you would think it was a tool of seduction.”
She frowned at him. “Do you really want me to go with you?”
“I’d rather not go if you won’t accompany me.”
She smiled widely and kissed him. “Then thank you for the invitation. I accept.”
Gabriel smiled in relief and buried his face in her hair. “After what happened with the clothes, I was convinced you’d say no. I’ll book separate accommodations, if you wish. And I’ll book you an open ticket so you can leave if you decide — ”
“Gabriel, I said yes. With all my heart. I can think of no one I’d rather visit Florence with, and please let me stay with you.” She looked at him shyly.
“The semester will be over. We wouldn’t be breaking the rules if we were to…if you were to decide to take me to your bed and make me yours — ”
He cut her off with a searing kiss. “Are you sure? Are you sure you want me to be your first?”
She gazed at him earnestly. “It was always you, Gabriel. I never wanted anyone else. You are the man I’ve been waiting for.”
She initiated a soft kiss that quickly escalated. Within moments she was lying on top of him, their bodies flush together. She was so close to him, to it, to everything. And she’d never wanted to be closer, not even during their tango in the museum.
He pulled back, panting, dragging his lips down her neck. Carefully avoiding her love bite from earlier, he brushed a kiss against her hair. Julia moaned and wrapped his hair around her fingers.
“It’s too dangerous, love. I can’t kiss you the way I would like to and be able to stop.”
Despite his protestation, his hands ran tantalizing courses up and down the curves of her bottom and over the flare of her hips, teasing and pressing into her. Julia tried to kiss him again, but he caught her face with his hand, stroking her gently.
“Too much of that and I’ll have you right here,” he whispered. “You deserve better. You deserve everything, and that’s what I’m going to give to you.”
She leaned into his hand.
“Given your decision, there are a few other things we should discuss.”
Gabriel’s voice was no longer playful and sultry. He cleared his throat and took a couple of deliberate deep breaths. “If you choose to go on the pill or if you are on it already, that’s fine. But I need to tell you that contracep-tion is unnecessary.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I can’t have children, Julianne.”
She blinked at him.
“Are children something you always wanted? Maybe I should have brought this up sooner.” He shifted somewhat anxiously.
She paused as his revelation began to sink in. “I didn’t exactly come from a happy family. There have been times when I thought it might be nice to have a husband and a baby. But I never really thought something like that would work out for me.”
“Why not?”
She shrugged and averted her eyes. “I never thought I’d find someone who could love me. I’m not exactly sexy. I’m shy. And weak.”
“Oh, Julia.” He embraced her and kissed her on both cheeks. “You’re wrong. You are incredibly sexy. And you are far from weak.”
She fingered the lapel of his leather jacket for a moment. “I’m sorry to hear that you can’t have children. Lots of couples have trouble conceiving.”
Gabriel stiffened. “Their situations are completely different.”
“How so?”
“Their infertility is natural.”
Julia noticed Gabriel’s eyes narrow as he watched her with a very worried expression.
She raised a hand to his face and gently touched his cheek. “Were you very disappointed when you found out?”
He grasped her wrist and removed her hand from his face. “I was relieved, Julianne. And I didn’t find out.”
“Then how…”
“I made the decision to have myself sterilized when I came out of rehab.”
She swallowed hard.
“Oh Gabriel, why?”
“Because someone like me shouldn’t reproduce. I told you about my father. I told you what I was like when I was doing drugs. I thought it would be irresponsible to leave open any kind of paternity. So I had it taken care of, and I will not have it reversed. I decided that there would be no children for me. Ever.”
He turned his piercing gaze on her. “I didn’t account for you, though.
And now I almost regret my decision. But really, Julianne, it’s better this way. Trust me.” His body suddenly tensed, as if he were preparing himself for an onslaught. “You might decide it would be best not to get involved with me now.”
“Gabriel, please. I just — need a minute.” Julia moved to sit beside him as she tried to process the information he’d just given her.
Gabriel followed suit, tugging on one of the blankets so that it was wrapped around her entirely. She realized that he’d given her a half-admission, that the true secret was the event or events that led to his despair. Those events had to be more than just his upbringing and his drug use.
Does it matter? Is there a secret he could tel that would kil your love for him?
He was as stil as a statue in the cascading moonlight, awaiting her response. The minutes seemed like hours to him.
I love him. Nothing he could say could kill that. Nothing.
“I’m so sorry, Gabriel.” She flung her arms around his neck. “But I still want you. I realize there might come a time when we need to revisit this conversation, but I’ll accept what you’ve said for now.”
At first he was taken aback by her reaction. Then her gentle acceptance overwhelmed him. It made it difficult for him to find the right words.
“Julia, I need to tell you who I am. What I am.” He was suddenly insistent.
“I will listen to whatever you have to say, but I still want you. It was always you, Gabriel.”
He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently, as if his soul was begging to be joined to hers. “It was always you, Julianne. Only you.”
He held her and breathed in her comfort. All of a sudden, he could see the future. He had hope. He had faith that maybe, just maybe, when she knew everything, she would look at him with those big, brown eyes and say that she still wanted him.
You love her. Once again the voice came out of nowhere, only this time Gabriel recognized it. And he silently whispered his thanks.
“You seem so far away, love.” Julia smiled as she used his new term.
He kissed her softly. “I’m right where I want to be. Perhaps tonight isn’t the best night to share all our secrets. But I can’t take you to Italy without telling you everything. And I would like you to tell me everything too.” He looked into her eyes with a very serious expression. “I can’t ask you to bare your body to me without asking you to bare your soul. I want to do the same with you. I hope you understand.” With his eyes he tried to express his feelings, how he was thinking only of her in adding this prerequisite.
She nodded slowly in agreement. He pressed their lips together, and Julia sighed, resting her head against his chest and listening to the steady, contented rhythm of his heart. Time passed or stood still. Two almost-lovers entwined beneath a dark November sky, the stars and moonlight their only illumination.
The next morning, Julia awoke early and walked down the hallway to take a shower. She dressed and packed her suitcase, knocking on Gabriel’s door at eight o’clock. But there was no answer. She pressed the curve of her ear against the door and listened. There was no movement. No sound.
She dragged her rolling bag down the hallway and carried it down the stairs. As she turned the corner into the living room, she saw Richard and Rachel sitting on one of the sofas. Rachel was crying and her father was trying to comfort her.
Their eyes flew to Julia’s as she dropped her bag accidentally. She apologized profusely.
“It’s all right, Julia,” Richard greeted her. “How did you sleep?”