What if the vasectomy reversal is successful?
Guilt washed over her. Of course she wanted to have his child. And she knew that undoing the vasectomy was more than just a physical procedure. It would be a symbolic gesture—that he’d finally forgiven himself for what happened with Paulina and Maia. That he’d finally begun to believe that he was worthy of fathering and parenting children.
They’d prayed for children. After their wedding, they’d approached the tomb of St. Francis and said spontaneous, private prayers, asking for God’s blessing on their marriage and the gift of children.
If God wants to answer our prayers, how can I say, “Wait”?
Julia worried she was being selfish. Maybe she should prioritize having a child over her education and aspirations. Harvard wasn’t going anywhere. Lots of people went back to university after starting a family.
What if Gabriel doesn’t want to wait?
He was correct to point out that life was short. The loss of Grace was testament to that. Once Gabriel knew he was able to father a child, he’d probably want to do so immediately. How could she say no?
Gabriel was a consuming fire. His passion, his desires, all seemed to overtake the desires of those around him. He’d told her once that she was the only woman who’d ever said no to him. He was probably correct.
Julia worried about her ability to say no to his deepest longing. She’d be overwhelmed with the desire to please him, to make him happy, and in so doing would sacrifice her own happiness.
She hadn’t had much growing up. She’d been poor and neglected when she lived with Sharon in St. Louis. But she’d distinguished herself in school. Her intelligence and discipline had served her well through Saint Joseph’s University and the University of Toronto.
Her first year at Harvard had been successful. Now was not the time to quit or drop out. Now was not the time to have a child.
Julia covered her face with her hands and prayed for strength.
A few hours later, Gabriel walked into the kitchen, carrying his running shoes and socks. He was clad in a Harvard T-shirt and shorts and was about to retrieve a bottle of water from the fridge when he saw Julia sitting at the kitchen island, her head in her hands.
“There you are.” He dropped his shoes and socks to the floor and greeted her with an insistent kiss. “I wondered where you’d gone.”
He remarked her tired eyes and the purple smudges below them. She looked distressed.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just finished cleaning the kitchen and the fridge, and now I’m making a list for the grocery store.” She pointed to a large piece of paper that was covered in her flowing script. It sat next to a cup of coffee that was stone cold and half empty, along with another equally long list of to-do items.
Gabriel looked around at the kitchen, which was sparkling within an inch of its life. Even the floors were immaculate.
“It’s seven o’clock. Isn’t it a bit early for housekeeping?”
“I have a lot to do.” She didn’t sound enthusiastic.
Gabriel took her hand, stroking his thumb across her palm. “You look tired. Didn’t you sleep well?”
“I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep. I need to make up the bedrooms and clean the bathrooms. Then I need to go shopping and plan the meals. And . . .” She heaved a shuddering sigh.
“And?” he prompted, lowering his head so he could meet her eyes, which had moved to the long to-do list.
“I need to keep moving. I’m not even dressed.” She tugged the edges of her pale blue silk bathrobe together and moved to stand.
Gabriel stopped her.
“You don’t need to do anything. I said I’d find someone to clean the house, and I will.” He gestured to the grocery list. “I’ll go to the store after my run.”
Her shoulders relaxed slightly. “That will help. Thank you.”
He cupped her cheek with his hand. “Go back to bed. You look exhausted.”
“There’s still too much to do,” she whispered.
“I’ll look after it. You need to work on your lecture.” He offered her a half-smile. “But get some sleep first. A tired mind doesn’t work very well.”
He kissed her once again and led her upstairs. He pulled the covers back on their bed and watched her settle before tucking her in.
“I know this is the first time we’ve had houseguests. I don’t expect you to be the maid. And I certainly don’t want our relatives to keep you from meeting your deadline. Work in the study for the rest of the day. Forget about everything else. I’ll handle it.”
He pressed his lips to her forehead and turned out the light, leaving Julia to her slumber.
Gabriel usually listened to music when he jogged, but on this morning his mind was distracted. Julianne was overwhelmed; it was obvious. She wasn’t an early riser and from the looks of her this morning, she’d been awake for hours.
They probably shouldn’t have invited their relatives to visit prior to her conference. But since they were going to Italy for most of the summer, this was the only time everyone could be together.
He’d forgotten how time consuming it was to have company. He’d never entertained more than one or two people at a time, and then only with the support of a housekeeper and a bank account that permitted him to take his guests out for meals.
Poor Julianne. Gabriel recalled his own years at Harvard: how vacations were never true holidays since there was always work to do, languages to learn, and exams to prepare for.
He was relieved to be tenured. He wouldn’t trade places with Julia for anything. Especially since he’d coped with the pressures of grad school by drinking, doing cocaine and P—
Gabriel stumbled, pitching forward as the toe of his shoe caught on the sidewalk. He righted himself quickly and regained his stride, forcing himself to concentrate on his steps.
He didn’t like to think about his years at Harvard. Since his move back to Cambridge, he’d experienced drug flashbacks so vivid, he would swear he could feel the cocaine entering his nostrils. He’d drive down a street or enter a building on the Harvard campus and feel a craving that was so sharp it was painful.
Thus far, with the grace of God, he’d resisted. Certainly, his weekly Narcotics Anonymous meetings had helped, as had his monthly appointments with his therapist.
And then, of course, there was Julianne.
If Gabriel found his higher power in Assisi last year, Julianne was his guardian angel. She loved him, inspired him, made his house a home. But he could not shake the fear that Heaven had smiled on him only to bide its time before snatching her away.