“Someone at the clinic mentioned it, I think,” he said, shrugging.
“Oh,” I whispered. I was thankful for the darkness, because if he saw my face, it would have given everything away. “Yes.”
“Ok Maise… Can you let yourself out?” he asked. “My knee is shot after all this therapy,” he said with a little laugh.
“I think I can brave the elevator alone,” I said, doing my best to mask my emotions. I reached over and kissed him, and he drifted off back to sleep. Slowly, I untangled myself from his body and pulled myself from the comfort of his bed. I stood up and looked back down at him, wondering what he would think if he knew my secret, if he knew the truth.
He’d never forgive me…
I knew this deep in my heart, and that’s what kept me silent.
* * *
I drove home in a daze. And with a fucking huge red bow on top of the car. I’d tried to get it off, but I couldn’t do it by myself. When I got home, it was past midnight and I tried to pull into the driveway quietly. I didn’t want to wake Maddy. I couldn’t face her right now.
Guilt had gripped me on the way home. Not only was I starting to feel crushing guilt because of not telling Jesse the truth, but I was starting to realize how much I’d hurt Maddy in the process. I’d simply told her that her father wasn’t around, that he lived a separate life in a different place. She’d asked questions, and they’d gotten more detailed as she’d gotten older, but it wasn’t difficult to dodge them. As long as I stayed vague, I wasn’t lying.
I just wasn’t implicating myself in the process.
Somehow, things felt different now. I’d always told myself I’d done the right thing because I’d given Maddy a good life and I’d given Jesse a chance at fulfilling his dreams. And, because of Jesse’s thoughts on kids back then, I figured Maddy was better off without him in her life, if she wasn’t wanted.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, my entire view on the subject changed. I didn’t want kids then, it was way, way too early, but I wasn’t about to do anything to change things. And once I heard her heartbeat, and saw her little skeleton on the sonogram screen, everything told me I was doing the right thing.
By the time I held her in my arms, the doubts were completely gone.
Jesse’s reputation had kept that thought in place, too. I’d heard about all the women, the lifestyle he led, full of wild parties and luxurious vacations. A kid didn’t fit into that.
It still didn’t.
That’s why I sat in the Volvo in the driveway crying my eyes out before I went inside.
My heart was full of love and dread, all at the same time. I’d fallen hard for Jesse, and I’d set up a perfect storm of lies and betrayal, so that even if he did think he wanted to be with me now, he’d hate me once he found out the truth.
I’d broken my own heart. And I was the one that had to pay for it.
By the time I’d gotten inside, my eyes were swollen and red, but thankfully Eddie was fast asleep on the couch, so I didn’t have to face him. Maddy was sleeping peacefully in her bed, too. I kissed her gently on the forehead and went to my room to sleep a few hours before I had to face the two of them in the morning.
I was thankful for the time I’d spent with Jesse, but I was glad to spend some much needed time alone, because my head was spinning with confusion. Happiness and love and guilt and shame and lust and desire and passion…I was a mess.
I was lost.
All I could do was hope that once I woke up, the magic that Jesse and I had stirred up tonight somehow found a way to make everything right.
JESSE
“No, bigger,” I said to the florist on the other end of the phone. “Look, just send everything you’ve got in your store over. Except for carnations, those remind me of funerals.”
“Everything in the store, sir?” the bewildered woman asked. “How much would you like to spend, sir? Five hundred dollars?”
“What? No! More like five thousand. I want her entire house filled floor to goddamned ceiling.”
“Five thousand?!” she exclaimed. “Yes, sir! I’ll get right on it, sir. What’s the address?”
I rattled off the address I’d gotten from Maria and gave her my credit card information.
“And the card, sir?” she asked. “What would you like the card to say?”
I thought about it for a moment, and then smiled to myself while I told her what I wanted the card to say before hanging up the phone.
Last night had been amazing with Maisey, and I’d woken up without her this morning feeling like a huge piece of me was missing.
I wanted her to know how much she meant to me, and this was the only one way I knew how to communicate that to her. Maybe it was a little overboard but I didn’t care. I wanted to see her face light up. I wanted to see her smile again. Seeing that smile had suddenly become the most important thing in my life.
I picked the phone back up and searched for another number. There was one more thing I wanted to send over to her.
She might kill me for it, but she’d have to come see me if she was going to do that, and I’d charm the smile back on her face if I had to.
MAISEY
“Mom, Mom! Get up! You’re not going to believe this!” Maddy pulled on my arm as she begged me to get out of bed. I groaned, blinking, trying to figure out what was going on.
“Maddy, what’s wrong?”
“It’s amazing, you have to see!” she jumped up and down happily in my bedroom. Bright morning sunshine poured into my bedroom, and I grumbled down the hall behind my daughter. Her hair was in knots, she was still wearing her pajamas, and she was barefoot. She’d never been more beautiful. And that smile on her face was rare, too. Whatever was making her so happy made me smile too.
“What is it? Are you going to tell me or do I have to — what the…?” My voice trailed off in disbelief. My entire living room and adjoining kitchen was filled with every kind of flower under the sun. Elaborate arrangements of sunflowers, roses, birds of paradise, daisies, dahlias, hydrangeas, even a few corpse lilies, which must have cost an amazing amount of money, were scattered everywhere.
Eddie stood in the middle of the sea of flowers, his eyes lit up in disbelief, a card in his hand.
“Maisey, can you believe this?” he exclaimed. “Do you know who sent these?”
“I have a feeling…” I said, my eyes trailing around the room in bewilderment. The front door was open and the Volvo still sat in the driveway, that red b
ow that was the size of a tiny home sitting on top of it.
“Did we get a new car?!” Maddy said, who had apparently just spotted the car for the first time.
“Shit,” I muttered, watching her go outside.
“Either you won a sweepstakes or somebody’s got it bad for you honey,” Eddie said, whistling under his breath. “Here,” he pushed the card towards me. “I’m dying to see what this says.”
I grabbed the card from his hand and opened it.
“Maise,
Here’s to making up for lost time. I can’t wait to see you again.
Love,
Jesse”
A slow smile spread across my face and my heart swelled with happiness. He was crazy. Absolutely, certifiably crazy.
So much for everything fixing itself, I thought. I put the card down and turned away from Eddie. I didn’t want him to see the pain in my eyes. This was supposed to be a happy thing. This was supposed to be easy. If this was any other man, I’d have been elated and mesmerized, enchanted and charmed, and maybe a little overwhelmed with how forward and insane he was… But it was all wrong. This wasn’t a good thing. This wasn’t something that was in the cards for me.
I was still paying for a mistake I’d made years ago, and there was no way to fix it.
Eddie snatched the card from the counter and read it aloud.
“Who’s Jesse?” he asked.
“Just someone I used to know,” I replied.
“Used to know? Looks like he wants to know you again. This is amazing,” he said, shaking his head and pulling a bright pink rose out of one of the vases and smelling it. “These are going home with me, by the way.”