Hard Rider

“Right, okay. Well, thanks a lot, Maria. I’ll get back in touch if I need you again.”

“Anytime, Jesse.”

“Oh! Maria? What’s the kid’s name? I’m going to send some flowers and balloons over to her room.”

“Jessica Madeline Jayne.”

“Jessica?” I asked. Something began tugging at my brain that I couldn’t quite put a finger on, but I pushed it away as I thought about Maisey. She must be terrified.

“Yeah, they call her Maddy, I guess.”

“Maddy, right,” I said. “Thanks again.”

I hung up the phone and called the florist hoping like hell they’d restocked the store.

MAISEY

“It’s going to be okay, baby, we’re going to figure this out. I promise,” I held Maddy’s hand as the doctor walked out of the room. I was so upset, so worried, so fucking angry that I wanted to lash out at someone, anyone. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t let Maddy see how worried I was.

Last night had been a nightmare. One of the worst attacks we’d had so far, and I’d been scared to death as I raced her to the hospital.

She was all I had. She was everything. I couldn’t live without her, and watching her suffer was torture. I felt helpless and that made me furious more than anything else.

I was her mother. I was supposed to protect her. And I couldn’t.

It was like an invisible monster was constantly waiting for us just out of sight, just waiting to attack and knock us off our feet. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to pick up a baseball bat and kick its ass…

But I couldn’t.

There wasn’t a worse feeling in the world than not being able to protect your child.

I’d like to find a way to accept it, but I couldn’t even do that. So, I kept fighting. I kept questioning the doctors and doing my own research.

Everything just pointed to asthma and there was no real cure for that. All we could do was manage the symptoms. We’ve already tried every experimental treatment I could beg borrow or pay my way into, and still…just when we thought something might have worked, she would have another attack.

It was relentless.

And we were both exhausted.

“Can I go home soon?” Maddy asked, her huge blue eyes looking up at me, so full of trust. “I miss Snowflake.”

“Yes, baby. We’re going home in just a little while.” I was glad she’d gotten a little bit of sleep. I’d sat up all night by her side, wringing my hands with worry, hoping the doctor would have something new to say to me. But he didn’t. It was hours before he made his way back around, once Maddy was comfortable, and we finally got to talk.

Or, I guess I did. I mostly vented, instead of talked. He stood by patiently listening and nodding, validating my frustrations. But in the end, he had nothing new to add, nothing new to suggest. We’d been dealing with this for years, and there was no end in sight.

What a way to live.

I looked over at Maddy, my sweet beautiful girl sitting there surrounded by the flowers and balloons Jesse had sent. I reminded myself that she was the one who had to endure the hardest part. I couldn’t imagine how scared she must be every time she had an attack. But she was my little warrior. She never complained. She never asked for anything.

She never even asked why.

She just took it all in stride, accepted it as a part of her life.

But that’s what I couldn’t find it in me to do. I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t just throw up my hands in defeat. This was my little girl.

She was my life.

And I couldn’t allow her life to be saddled with this burden forever. I wasn’t about to accept it. I was going to keep looking for an answer, keep looking for something, anything to obliterate this lurking monster.

“Do I have to go to school today?” she asked.

“No, baby, you’re going to stay home and rest.”

“Are you going to stay home, too?” she asked.

“Yes, baby,” I whispered, squeezing her tiny hand in mine. Jesse’s face flashed in my head, and I pushed the image of him away as fast as I could. I couldn’t think about him now. Another PT would be sent over to Jesse’s place, and he would be fine without me. I wasn’t the key to his healing, he was. He knew what to do.

I’d avoided his calls so far, and I would just keep doing that for the next few days. Or, maybe forever. I hadn’t decided yet. He’d hurt me a lot, whether he meant to or not. But none of that mattered now.

All I knew was that right now, my focus needed to be entirely on my sweet Maddy.

Everything else could wait.

Including me.

And him…

JESSE

Seven days went by - seven days I was forced to endure the wrath of Helga. I begun calling her Helga the Hun - she was absolutely terrifying. Every morning I awoke, hoping today was the day that Maisey would come back. And every morning I was sorely disappointed when I opened the door to Helga’s menacing scowl.

She’d left today, leaving me literally bruised and battered. Maisey’s touch was so much more gentle, and I was longing for it by now.

I’d tried calling. Way too many times than I care to admit.

And I’d been met with complete silence. Not even the courtesy of a text.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I have to admit, I was taken aback by the whole thing. I’d never been ignored like this, and it did nothing for my ego. The dent in my pride was getting deeper every day, and at this point, I was getting antsy.

I needed answers.

I’d have gone myself, I’d have just hung out in my car waiting and watching her, so that I could get my own answers, but me going incognito in this town is basically impossible. I also couldn’t drive myself, so I’d have had to ask Grady to drive me and that would have been even worse. The last thing I needed was Maisey thinking I was some crazy stalker.

I had more class than that.

And money.

Maria was the perfect person for the job. I’d asked her to keep watching Maisey, just to make sure she was safe and that her daughter was okay. I figured if I at least knew that, I wouldn’t worry about her.

I’d been such a complete asshole. I couldn’t blame her if she was mad at me. How could I have been such an ass? We’d barely even started seeing each other. Of course she didn’t want to introduce

me to her daughter yet. We weren’t even really a couple yet… So I was hurt, big deal. I was a fucking grown man. I knew better than that.

I did want a relationship with Maisey. I wanted to be a part of her life in a big way. I wasn’t sure what that looked like, but I was willing to try. If that meant taking things slow, I could take things slow! In the meantime, I was worried about more than just my relationship… I was worried about her daughter.

People don’t go to the hospital for fun… I knew that all too well.

I’d just run out of ideas. Apologizing wasn’t something I did. Ever. And here I was, breaking another one of my self-imposed rules. I was blowing her phone up with apologies. Flowers and fucking I’m sorry emojis. It didn’t matter. It hadn’t done any good.

There was nothing left to do but leave her alone. I’d stopped calling. Stopped texting. Sure, it was fucking killing me, but I’d done it.

The one thing I hadn’t done was pull Maria off her trail.

She was my one link to Maisey and I wasn’t ready to give that up just yet.

I couldn’t wait for Helga to leave this morning, so I could call Maria for an update.

“How is she?” I asked, now that I finally had her on the phone.

“She looks sad, worried. She’s been back and forth to some doctor’s appointments, went out for groceries once, and that’s it. She takes the daughter everywhere she goes, and keeps her close by her side.”

“I guess she’s really sick, huh? That’s too bad,” I said.

“Yeah, I guess so. She’s really cute, though. Doesn’t look anything like her Mom, though, except for those curls. Her hair’s a shade darker than yours. Big, beautiful blue eyes.”

“And there’s no father in the picture?”

“Not that I can tell. She does have this big guy named Eddie that comes and goes, but he seems more like a friend.”