“I don’t believe it either.”
“Yikes. I hope you didn’t tell her that.”
“Why not?”
Melody makes a face. “Is that really how you want to start your reunion? You still love her. You haven’t stopped pining over her since the day you lost her and now, against all odds, she is lying in your bed with your son.”
I drag a hand down my face as that small feeling of guilt that pierced my shell earlier starts unraveling inside of me. “She ran from me,” I say defensively. “Like you said, I love her. I gave her the world and she ran from me.”
“You were working a ton of hours and traveling a lot. She was alone and didn’t have anyone in her life. I was busy with Ronnie and my husband and you were trying to fulfill every demand of Gran’s.”
“You’re saying I should’ve taken her on trips where I couldn’t spend any time with her because I’d be in meetings all day?” That seemed like a quick way to break up.
“I’m saying that’s all in the past. You have a couple of options, Jonas. You can either treat her like crap and try to extract as much pain from her as possible in hopes of lessening your own pain, or you can let it go and try to live a new life together.”
“I want to know what happened.”
“What if you don’t like what happened? Do you throw her out then? If you plan on staying together, then the past doesn’t matter.”
She’s making too much sense and I don’t like it. I don’t want to get over being angry. I’m not ready to forgive and move on. Darby kept my son from me. At least I thought she had. But I hear what Melody is saying. I could lose the two of them again, just when I found them. Melody pats me on the head and takes her leave. I stare at the fire until the flames become embers and the embers become ashes and the room grows cold. When the last light flickers out, I drag my sorry ass into the bedroom. Darby’s body is curled around our son. The two of them look small and fragile in my big bed. When I met Darby, she was a struggling preschool teacher. At first, she couldn’t believe that I’d fallen for her. She thought it was some kind of elaborate prank that her not very nice coworkers had set up.
She was, as Melody pointed out, alone in this world. I made her fall in love with me. I gave her promises—that I would always love her, that I would protect her, that she would never be alone. I didn’t keep those promises so am I the most angry with her or is it my failure that I can’t live with?
Chapter 12
Darby
I smile when I feel kisses on my cheeks. “Mommy,” Jax says, sounding extra awake. I open my eyes to see him with a giant smile on his face. That cute little face of his, reminding me what’s really important.
“Hey, angel.” I pull him into me, giving him kisses on his cheeks that make him giggle. It takes me a minute to remember where we are. I fight back all the emotions that tug at my insides as I try and keep it together. I will not have a breakdown in front of Jax. This might be a lot for him to handle, too. We are somewhere completely new. Nothing here is familiar to either one of us. If I’m struggling as an adult, then he must be, too.
“I hungry,” he tells me when I stop giving him little kisses everywhere.
“Okay. Let Mommy get you up.” I sit up. The sun is now pouring in through the windows. I spot my diaper bag that I don’t remember grabbing when we left my place. I turn to Jax to tell him to stay put while I grab it but stop when I see Jonas lying on the other side of the bed watching us. Jax follows my line of sight, lifting his hand to point at him.
“Hi!” Jax chirps at him before he starts to crawl toward Jonas. I know he doesn’t know that Jonas is his father, but it’s still shocking to see how quickly he’s taken to him. He’s always so shy around men. I think it has a lot to do with there not being many around him on a daily basis.
Jonas sits up, resting his back against the headboard while opening his arms for Jax. He watches him closely as Jax crawls into his lap and starts gibbering on. He’s so curious about Jonas. He reaches up to touch his face, tracing his little chubby finger along his nose. I watch as Jonas stares back at him with love in his eyes. I begin to tear up a little at their interaction.
“Was dis?” Jax points to something, making Jonas tell him what it is. Once he gets his first answer it spurs him on to continue asking more. Jonas patiently answers all of his questions.
Jax points to me as his next object to identify. I can feel the weight of Jonas’ stare as he lifts his eyes to look at me.
“That’s your mommy.” My little angel's eyes go back and forth between us. Jonas continues to stare at me until Jax pokes him. His little chubby finger raises up to point at Jonas.
“Daddy.” The word slips from my mouth before I can stop it. I don’t even look up to see Jonas' expression.
I slip off the bed to get Jax’s bag so I can change him. Jax is not one to skip meals. The only time he really gets cranky is when he’s hungry. Not even when he’s tired does he cry. He turns into a little cuddle ball.
“I've got it.” Jonas holds out his hand for the diaper bag. I still don’t make eye contact with him.
“I can do it.” I’m so used to doing everything on my own.
“I’ve got it. I put some of your stuff in the bathroom.” He motions toward two double doors.
“Is this my room?” I ask as I hand him the bag.
“My room?” Jax asks.
“You can have any room you like.” Jonas kisses Jax on the cheek, making him giggle. Jax runs his hand along Jonas’s morning stubble on his cheek.
“Where is your room?” Why was he asleep here earlier? Did he really think I would make a run for it? There is a giant wall around this place. At least I’m guessing it goes all the way around it. They had to open a gate to let us in.
“This is my room.” His eyes meet mine as if I should already know that. I shake my head, ignoring him. Clearly, he still doesn't believe me. Nor does he care about how I feel or the words I said to him. I’d actually felt a little bad with how snappy I’d been with him about being alone all these years. A guilt I shouldn't have because he doesn't care. Only his anger matters.
I turn away from him, going into the bathroom and closing the door behind me. I lean up against it. This is the first time I’ve been alone since I realized who Jonas is to me. I close my eyes, still not believing any of this. There is nothing I can do. I will have to just go along with this. I walk over to the mirror and look at myself.
“Why can’t you remember?” I might be better off not remembering. I pull my hair back to look at the scar that is a daily reminder of a life I can’t remember. That same hollow feeling I get in my chest every time I do throbs back to life. No matter how much time passes it’s always there. I let my hair down, covering the scar.
The sound of Jax’s laughter has me moving into action. I find the things Jonas got me. All of them are my favorite things. Either he really does know me or he poked around my place. He didn't have time for that, though. The only thing that’s a little snug are the pants. They would have fit me before my belly started to grow. It’s been two years and I still haven’t taken off all the baby weight.
I force a smile as I open the bedroom door. The last thing I am going to do is fight with Jonas in front of our son. I can force a smile and deal with my own emotions later. Jonas stands with Jax in his arms as I exit the bathroom. Both of them are dressed.
“Mommy.” Jax reaches for me. Jonas doesn't look like he wants to let him go but he gives him to me.
“I think I need to baby proof this place.” Jonas looks around the bedroom. I see a million things Jax could grab and pull down on himself. I nod in agreement. “Breakfast?” he offers.
“Are you hungry?” I ask Jax, ignoring Jonas the best I can. It’s hard. I don’t know how but with his hair still a mess from sleep and holding Jax he is more attractive than ever. My body is reacting to him in a way that it shouldn’t be.
“Pancakes!” He squeals, clapping his hands.
“He?
??s been saying that over and over.”
“It’s his favorite.”
Jonas opens the door for me. I step out into the hallway, waiting for him.
“The kitchen.” He nods for me to walk. I look both ways.
“Which way?” I turn to look at him when he doesn't answer me. He stares at me for a moment.
“Left,” he finally says. I give him another one of my silent nods before heading left. Ignoring him is going to be harder than I thought.
Chapter 13
Jonas
Gran is gone this weekend to a spa in Beverly Hills, so the lacquered breakfast table is empty when we arrive. The staff, so utterly professional, doesn’t even blink when I ask for a highchair. It does take them a while to bring one out. In the meantime, I jostle Jax on my lap.
“What does he eat?”
“Pretty much anything,” Darby says, smoothing a napkin across her lap. “Are you sure there isn’t a different table we can eat at? Jax is sort of messy.”
“It’s fine. There are more tables where this one comes from,” I lie. It’s an antique original but if it’s not meant to be eaten on, what’s the point of owning it?
A staff member comes forward and pours Darby a cup of coffee. She’s visibly startled, as if she’s never experienced the Willits’ treatment before. “She’ll have three scoops of sugar.”
“Yes, Mr. Willits.” The staff bops her head and spoons the sweetener in while Darby watches wide-eyed.