Her All Along

“I’ve spent the past week trying to wrap my head around things,” she went on. “More than that, I’ve been trying to accept it.”

“Have you?”

She shook her head and kept her gaze fixed on the table. “I can’t, Avery. I’m finally going to get my life back.” Right. They were set to leave for the East Coast in June. “I’ve never dreamed of kids. The opposite, really. I…I know this probably makes me a horrible person, but I don’t want to be a mother.”

It didn’t make her horrible. If anything, it was a decision I’d wished my own mother would’ve sympathized with when she was pregnant with Finn and me. For years and years, I’d firmly believed she should’ve had an abortion. So what if I hadn’t existed? But then… Fuck, things were changing.

“You want to have an abortion.” I put the words on the table so we were clear.

Taylor swallowed hard and nodded.

I planted my elbows on the table and tented my fingers against my mouth, unsure of how to process her decision. I mean, it meant the problem would go away. I could go back to my life, and she would start hers in New York. But it fucked with my head knowing there was life growing inside her.

I closed my eyes and drew a breath.

“I assumed it would be your wish too,” she said quietly. “It is, isn’t it?”

“Unquestionably,” I replied, opening my eyes again. “But don’t you have a voice in the back of your head wondering if it’s the wrong decision?”

She looked queasy. “No. I’ve been searching for that voice. I just feel…I don’t know. There’s guilt because I don’t hear it.”

I leaned back and folded my arms over my chest, bringing one hand to rub my jaw. My skin itched, and I felt uncomfortable as hell, even more so when I started thinking about my purpose in life. It was a road I should steer clear of. I’d survived childhood, I’d coped with my teenage years, and now I was living. Now I was, at long last, in a good place.

My mind traveled to Jake and everything he’d fought for, not to mention everything he’d never gotten the chance to see, to experience. To have.

I swallowed a burst of emotion and threaded my fingers into my hair, tugging at the ends.

I needed to set my brain on mute.

“It’s your choice, and you’ve made it,” I stated in an attempt to derail my line of thinking.

Taylor squinted slightly and tilted her head. “I won’t do anything until you’re wholeheartedly on board.”

“And what if I never will be?” I asked, frustrated. At a fucking loss. Christ, I’d never had to consider anything of this gravity before. I’d just found out, goddammit. But yeah, no, something didn’t sit right with me.

I groaned and scrubbed at my face for the umpteenth time.

“Okay, you clearly need time to think, Avery. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

I shot her an irritated look. “I’m very aware, but what good will it do?”

“Well…” She became flustered and shifted in her seat. “I mean… I don’t know what I mean.” She shook her head quickly. “That’s a lie. What I mean is, if you discover that you really want to be a father, there are options. Maybe I could, you know, go through with the pregnancy and then…”

She trailed off. There was no need to finish the sentence.

I stared at her blankly, wondering if she was serious. Wondering if she was being incredibly naïve, wondering if she was an idiot or extremely selfless, wondering…if I could actually go that route. As in, was I even capable?

It was laughable and straight-up batshit crazy.

Taylor was right about one thing, and it was that I needed to think.

“Are you serious about that offer?” I asked quietly. Imploringly.

I needed her answer to be yes as much as I dreaded it.

She nodded, though.

Fuck. Now I had to consider all the possibilities in order to make up my damn mind.

“I have to go home,” I muttered.

“Okay.”

I drew a shaky breath and stood up.

Taylor followed me out, and we paused in the hallway.

I glanced at her. “Whatever decision we end up making, you’re not horrible. We haven’t been reckless.”

That made her eyes well up rapidly, and I could sense she was losing her composure. I swallowed hard and hugged her to me.

“I’m not judging you, Taylor. Understand?”

She whimpered and nodded.

“We’ll figure this out,” I said.

I hoped.

Fourteen

Abortion. Go on with my life like this never happened.

Or…

Become a single father and raise a child on my own.

I took a drag from my smoke and refilled my glass with bourbon.

I’d gone through the motions after coming home, showering, changing into comfortable clothes, and filing some shit from school I had to go through. Then the nausea had made a swift return, and I’d donned a hoodie and stepped out on the patio with a bottle, a glass, and my pack of emergency smokes.